Landline Page #4

try and braid my hair later?

- Do you want

to go swimming?

- What a cold

and rainy day

[splashing]

[both scream]

- [laughs]

This is the best sports drink

I've ever had.

- That's because

it's Whiskey Mountain Dew.

- It's because it's what?

- It's Whiskey Mountain Dew.

- [laughs]

- Whoo! Hoo!

- [laughs]

Did I do that?

- Three Mississippi, four.

- You think you could ever

be a synchronized swimmer?

Do everything

that I do.

[laughs]

- I could definitely do this.

- Can you do that?

[splashes]

- Can you not, please?

- Big splash. Stop!

[splashing]

- Ow! Stop! Stop!

Ow, God!

What's your problem?

Why do you play so rough?

- God, calm down.

- Seriously, why do you have

to go so hard at everything?

You ruin everything.

- F*** you, c*nt.

- [groans]

- Sorry.

Ali!

- [inhales]

- Ali.

[bubbling]

Ali!

Stop!

[splashes]

Stop!

I don't like horse play.

I don't like pranks.

I don't like this.

I don't like it.

- [exhales]

Dad's having an affair.

- Oh, my God.

- Yeah, wait till

you get to April.

He had a haiku phase.

- Why does he sometimes

refer to himself

as "her Pillsbury Dough Boy"?

- Oh, it's because

he calls his dick "dough."

- Oh, Jesus. God.

- Yeah.

- Just broke my brain.

- F***ing--I hate him.

Okay, I hate him.

- You don't hate him.

- I do though.

- You don't.

- Why should I not?

- I don't think that...

we should say anything to Mom

until we know what this is.

- If I were Mom,

I would chop off that dough

Loretta Bobbitt style.

- It's not--it's Lorena.

- I got a strong feeling that

he's in love with someone else.

- She cut off an entire penis.

You should say her name right.

- I can tell that

he's in love with someone else.

- I think she threw it

out a window as well.

- And he doesn't even

have to be f***ing her.

What's going on is that he's

emotionally cheating on Mom.

- You watch way too much Oprah.

"Emotionally cheating."

And maybe it's just

a fantasy,

which--

[flutters lips]

to be honest

is totally healthy.

It's just, you know,

a totally healthy thing

to have--to have fantasies.

[sighs]

[clicking]

- I lost my heart

Under the bridge

To that little girl

So much to leave

- Do, do-do-do

Look what I found.

- Oh, my God.

- In mother's wardrobe.

- Looks so good!

Wow!

- Never know

Just what I found

- I have something to say.

I have something

that I feel that...

if I don't share it...

it will stay inside of me

and start to eat me alive.

- Please, say it.

- [sighs]

[groans]

I slept with somebody,

and it is not Ben.

- Ow.

- What?

- I know, I know.

- Whoa.

- I really...liked it.

- Oh.

- My body, like,

really responds.

Ugh.

- [stutters]

We're just like

a family of cheaters.

- I just have to get it out.

I just have to say

"I'm Dana,

"and I'm a cheater,

and I'm a Mountain Dew drinker."

- Yeah, and you're

a come guzzler.

- [flutters lips]

Sold.

- Okay.

Thanks for telling me.

- I just think maybe

this is a sign

that there's somebody else

that I'm supposed to be,

that it's trying

to get out of me.

- Okay, yeah. Okay.

What's her name?

[clicking]

[Stacey Q's "Two of Hearts"

playing]

- Ba...delia.

- Badelia?

- And I'll tell you what.

Badelia's very fun to be.

A lot of people

don't get to be Badelia.

Badelia is

a little bit wicked.

- Uh-huh.

- She's wild.

She makes her own choices.

And Badelia has secrets,

and secrets can be rather fun.

You know what else?

Double triple lunge!

- Oh!

- Mikhail Baryshnikov.

- Two of hearts

I need you, I need you

- I like dancing.

I don't think I've ever

danced with you before.

- It's really nice to hear you

say yes instead of no.

- No!

- [laughs]

- Come on, come on

[distant vacuuming]

- Anyone home?

Mom?

- Mom?

- Mom?

- Oh, Jesus.

- Sorry.

I love you.

I love you.

- And I love you too.

What's going on here?

- I love you.

I just wanted you to know.

And I love everything you do.

Busting dust.

- Where's Dad?

- He's at his writing workshop.

I called Sophie's mom.

Do you want to tell me

where you really were?

- Oh, she was at my place.

Ali!

- Sorry I scared you.

- [exhales]

What is that? Laundry?

- Oh, I was actually

hoping to crash here

for a few days,

if that's possible.

If you have room.

- Is everything okay?

- Yeah.

- What about you?

How long do you

plan on staying?

- Uh, until I'm 40.

- All right, that works for me.

- Thanks for bringing

this stuff.

- I'm just so surprised.

Are you okay?

- [sighs]

Yeah, I'm fine.

- It's just crazy.

Your dad doesn't seem like

the type to have a mistress.

He seems like--

don't take this the wrong way--

but, like, too p*ssy to cheat.

- What did you say?

- What?

What?

- Say "p*ssy" again.

- Oh my God.

- Say it.

- Umm...

Aren't you supposed

to be at work right now?

- I called in sick.

[kissing]

- This is nice.

- You can bite me

if you want.

You want to bite me?

- Oh. No.

- Do you?

- Oh God.

Does anybody--oh my God.

Is anybody here?

[breathing heavily]

Okay.

- Tell me how good

my p*ssy feels.

Tell me.

- Huh?

- Tell me how good

my p*ssy feels.

- Oh my God, I don't want to.

- Do it.

- It feels great.

It feels great.

- Say it.

- Why are you barking at me?

- What do you want? Tell me how

it feels on your dick.

Tell me how my p*ssy

feels on your dick.

- If I told you to tell me how

good my dick felt in your mouth,

you'd call 911.

- Okay.

Let's call the police.

- Wait, wait, wait.

Hold on a second.

- [sighs]

- What's happening?

- [scoffs]

Well, we were f***ing,

and then you ruined it.

[grunts]

- Okay.

- [sighs]

You can't even

say "p*ssy" to me?

- I can say it.

- I asked you to say it,

and you didn't say it.

- Just not all the time.

- No, it's not all the time.

I asked you to say it one time,

and if mine is the only one

you're ever going to see

then you need to figure out how

to say the word "p*ssy" to me!

- [laughs]

What's happening right now?

- [sighs]

Ow. Ow!

- Ow. Ow!

- Sorry.

You know I would never

write erotic poetry

to another woman.

Because I can't read or write.

- That's not funny.

- Okay, sorry.

I'm just trying to tell you

that I would never

cheat on you.

If that's what

you're worried about,

I'm here, and if you want to

talk or you don't want to talk

or you want to keep saying

"p*ssy" over and over

until it gets weird

we can do that too.

- Can you hand me those jeans?

- Um, when are you

coming home?

- I just want to be here

for Ali right now, okay.

She needs me.

So, I'm going to stay here

for a few days.

And I'll call you tonight.

[traffic noise]

- He accepted

the German terms.

- Oh!

- But after

the unconditional surrender,

the Nazis bombed the city

anyway.

[explosions onscreen]

- [sighs]

You okay?

- Yeah.

[laughs]

- [sips]

- Ooh!

[explosions onscreen]

- You can't deny that

there's a lot of energy

and confidence

behind that.

- They knew how to sing too.

- [laughs]

- No, don't do that.

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