Landline Page #5

Don't do that.

- What's wrong?

- What?

- Why?

- Because we're not--

Somebody could see that.

- Oh, really?

- Yes.

- You're worried about

the matinee crowd in here?

These guys?

What's--what's the matter?

- I'm sorry.

I was supposed to see

that movie with Ben.

He likes Nazi stuff.

- Well, you should go again,

you know.

You seemed a little...

distracted at certain moments.

- You're so perverted.

- I don't think you were

quite giving Adolf

your full attention.

- You're full of it.

[laughs]

[sighs]

All these old people in love

are making me feel

like a whore.

- Are you kidding?

- No.

- Did you see what

those two old people were up to?

- No.

- It was really--

It was really gross.

- No, you're gross.

- You're having

a torrid affair.

- You can't torture me.

[laughs]

- Hey, I think I love you.

- What? What?

- Just kidding.

- Don't do that.

- [laughs]

- That's psycho.

- I don't know.

Maybe I do.

It's hard to tell,

you know.

I'm probably dead inside.

- You're so irresponsible.

That is such a psycho thing.

That's such a psycho thing

to say for so many reasons.

- Am I very irresponsible?

[traffic noise]

[soft music]

- What time is it?

- Oh, I don't know,

and I'm fine with that.

I'm doing this thing

where I say

I leave the watch at home.

I release myself

from my schedule.

I go about my day.

- That could be C.

That could be C.

- That?

- Oh!

- That lady would break

Dad in half.

That is not love.

I do love her trench.

So many trenches.

- Yeah, I kind of want one.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Should I?

- You would look

just like a French film star.

- Are you serious?

- I am so sold on it.

- Okay.

That's going to be you

in 20 years.

- Hey! Oh!

- No.

Such a diss.

[laughs]

Well, guess what, babe,

you're going to be married

to that.

A gentleman like that.

- Oh sh*t.

- Passion--

- No, it's Dad.

- Oh my God! What's the plan?

- Hurry.

- [grunting]

Ow.

- Just get up.

- Ow, ow, ow.

- Move your ass.

- Hey.

- Get down. Get down.

- Huh?

Oh, I don't want

to see this.

- What's he doing?

- Hey.

- Hey, Alan.

- I missed you.

Feel better?

- All right.

- You were sick, right?

- Oh, don't have that

for lunch.

- Sauerkraut, mustard.

- He's getting

a f***ing hot dog.

- Cholesterol nightmare.

[indistinct TV chatter]

- Driving on nine

- What the hell is

going on with her?

- I have no f***ing clue.

I thought I was going

to be planning her wedding,

not feeding her

Lucky Charms.

- [sighs]

- Bye, sweetie.

- Have a great day!

- Driving on nine

I sure miss you

Past the motel

Looking at the pines

[robotic voice]

- You have one new message.

[beep]

- Hi, it's me.

I'm sorry that we keep

missing each other.

I need to stay here

for a few more days.

Just call me back.

[beep]

- Hey.

- Going by

- Hello.

- Driving on by

- What are you doing?

- Just borrowing a shirt.

What are you doing?

- It's my closet.

- [grunting]

God, yeah...

Can't control my arm.

[laughs]

Teri! You're crazy!

[indistinct chatter]

- Driving on by

- Whoa! Oh!

[laughs]

- Gotcha.

[kissing]

Oh my God.

What is that?

- It's an eyebrow ring.

- Yes, it is.

- Well?

- Lisa "Left-Eye" Lopez.

- Shut up.

- I love it.

- You do?

- Yeah.

It's, like, really hot.

- [laughs]

- It's like squatter-hot.

[kiss]

- No, don't, don't, don't.

- What?

- Don't--don't touch it.

Because I don't want it

to get infected.

- Really?

It's un--untouchable?

- Aw, f*** it, I don't care.

[kissing]

Let's have drinks.

- Let's do that.

- Let's have so many.

[snoring]

- You have to get up, Dana.

Dana!

Oh my God, you barfed.

- No, I didn't.

- This is how Hendrix died.

- Okay?

- [groans]

- You can't kick me.

I'm trying to help you.

- I can't!

- I have to go to school, Dana.

- I don't.

- You have to go to work.

Let's go to the bathroom.

- No, don't do it.

Shut up.

- Oh my God, I'm gonna kill you.

- If you want

to use the bathroom,

then use the bathroom

by yourself.

- I don't need

to use the bathroom.

- I'm not here

to be your counselor!

- I have to go to school.

Your butt crack's in my face.

- Good, then enjoy it.

[laughs]

- What?

Ben called again last night.

For the millionth time

in two weeks.

- [groans]

- I don't think

he's going to keep calling.

[snaps]

- Oh.

- Dance, Badelia, dance!

- Oh my God, Ali.

[waves lapping]

- I'm locked in here

while the world continues

to buzz around me.

I've become nothing

but a plant to water.

A piece of furniture

to dust.

I'm vanishing.

Turning into skin particles

floating around the apartment.

Particles that bore me.

Two sons

and one miscarriage.

[pages turning]

[whispering]

It's your line.

- It's on page 74.

Sorry, everyone.

- That was a sh*t show.

- My God, did you hear

my stomach growling?

It was like another character

in that play.

You know--thank you--

it was just so--

- Badly written?

- I'm not really concerned

with the quality of Dad's work.

- I'm glad it's

a pile of sh*t, okay.

If it were better, more people

might actually see it.

Mom would be

even more humiliated.

- Do you think that she was?

- He made us boys

and put the mother in a coma.

- Good point.

[indistinct chatter]

- Someone who can capture that

like Carla.

Do you know Carla?

- Uh-uh.

Carla?

- Ah, thanks for coming.

- Holy sh*t.

[indistinct chatter]

I think that's C.

- Oh my God.

- What do we do?

- This old lady

just pinched my ass

and winked at me.

Are you old enough

to drink?

- Mind your own business.

- I will take that from you,

thank you very much.

I am leaving.

I have a splitting headache.

[kiss]

And that's getting infected.

- I know.

- Hi.

- Hi.

I will see you at home.

- Oh...

I can't believe

we're all just

in C's house right now.

- Yeah, I'm going to take

a dump in her bed.

- Who--who is C?

- Who are you?

I'm going to go snoop

in her medicine cabinet.

- [gasps]

- Wow.

Not a fan.

- No, C is my dad's mistress.

- Wow.

That's funny, I was thinking

she looks like your mom.

- Yeah, that's really funny.

- She's a terrible actress.

- This is the home that

she shares with her husband.

Why would my dad

bring us here?

- Yeah, and also

you brought me here, you know.

It's like a play

within a play.

There's even someone

in a coma.

- Why would he do it

to my mom?

And in front of

his teenage daughter.

- Yeah, it's twisted.

Let's get out of here.

- I don't want to--

I'm not in the mood to--

whatever.

- Are you worried

about your sister?

- Yeah.

- She's gonna be fine.

- Well, that's--

how do you know that?

- Because we're grown-ups.

We all know monogamy

is impossible.

So it's better she learns

that now from her own family

than have it be some

like forbidden fruit

that tears her heart out

later in life.

- Is that what you believe?

- [laughs]

Look at us, you know.

- Oh my God.

[all singing]

Happy birthday to you

- Happy birthday dear...

Jeffrey

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