Landline Page #6

Happy birthday to you

[applause]

Jeffrey! All right.

Okay, Max, hit me.

Ah! Come on,

one more time.

One more time.

Come on, hit me!

Ah! Come on.

[laughs]

You guys love it

when the shrimp

misses my mouth.

- We're too old

for this place.

- So...

What did you guys

think of the play, huh?

- Well, you put mom

in a f***ing coma.

- Hey, Columbo,

I'm the one in the coma.

- [sighs]

Okay, can I go?

I have a test tomorrow.

- They're about to make

the volcano onion.

- She does.

She has a test.

- Fine.

[distant applause]

- It's nice to see

you two be sisters.

- I think most of her friends

think that I'm like

her weird aunt.

- [snickers]

- What?

- You're the only one

in the family who says aunt.

- Aunt?

- Too much Jane Austin.

- [slurping]

- May I ask you...

a question?

- [slurping]

- Shh, shh.

- Excuse me, hi. May I please

have another of these.

- Yes, and make it two.

Do you have to, like,

slurp it down?

- [slurping]

- I mean, Max, he notices.

- The same person

who threw food at your head?

- I asked you a question.

- You're afraid that

I'm going to offend him?

- I asked you a question.

You didn't answer it.

- You didn't.

You asked if you could ask--

- What are you doing home?

- Oh.

[sighs]

I don't know, Dad.

What do you want me to say?

I'm flailing, okay?

I'm just trying to figure out

if the life

that I have picked for myself

is even the one that I want,

and I don't...

even know if I'm allowed

to ask that question.

- You may never

figure that out.

- Here you go.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

Well, why did you want

to marry Mom?

How did you know?

- She had great legs.

And the mouth

of a truck driver.

- [laughs]

- Truth is...

your mother is

the best partner I ever had.

I wanted to be better for her.

She made me think

I could be.

[squeaking]

- [sighs]

[soft music]

[grunts]

[groans]

[phone rings]

[phone rings]

- Hello?

- I got--I got

my eyebrow pierced.

- What?

- And then it looked

really dumb,

and it got gross,

so then I took it out.

- [sighs]

Sounds like you've been busy.

- [laughs]

What are--have you

been up to?

Did--did you get

any new holes in your body?

- Oh, I've been here

just holding down the fort.

- I miss you.

I miss your voice,

and I miss you

a very, very lot.

- You've got

a funny way of showing it.

- I think I just got

really scared.

- Of what?

- I don't know.

Us?

[sniffles]

And then this thing

with my family,

it's like I'm surrounded

by these people

who never asked

any questions.

There are just all of

these little things

that I haven't said.

I don't know, I haven't taken

a shower by myself

in the last five years.

- So, shower alone.

I'm not forcing you

to shower with me.

- [sighs]

I want to come home.

- I have not heard from you

in two f***ing weeks.

- [sighs]

I know.

And I'm sorry.

[exhales]

Ali and I are still going to go

to the Halloween Parade,

and your costume

is still in the closet.

And I totally get it

if you just don't want to go,

but I really hope

that you do.

And I love you.

[sniffs]

Ow.

[indistinct chatter]

[slamming]

- Be quiet.

- Okay.

[distant whistle]

[clicking]

[thud]

Sick.

- Hurry up.

- I'm hurrying.

Holy dang!

[locker slams]

I feel like if you bring

this much money to school

you do not need it.

Hey, since you live downtown,

would you mind picking up the H

for the party later?

- Without you?

- Yeah, I mean,

it's really easy.

I'll tell you where to go.

- Yeah.

[wind blowing]

[elevator dinging]

- Happy Halloween.

Ooh, this is spooky.

[gasps]

Ali, one per customer.

- I feel like

such an a**hole.

- You are such a thief,

and you are an a**hole.

This is fun.

Don't be in a bad mood.

[rings bell]

I didn't think I'd get

to do this again.

Happy Halloween!

Trick or treat!

- Happy Halloween.

Trick or treat.

- Oh, hi, girls.

- Thank you.

- Oh, thanks.

- Look, Emma, it's--

- Oh, we're

the California Raisins.

[laughs]

Cute, a nerd. In costume.

[laughs]

Happy Halloween.

- I think we have

to tell Mom.

You know, I don't think

he's ever going to.

- He's not ready to.

- He's never going

to be ready.

- Can I just say...

you don't understand

what he's going through.

Dad loves Mom.

But now he's terrified

of hurting her.

So, it's not that easy.

- Yeah, he should've

thought of that

before he titty f***ed

some woman

whose laundry

is full of dry clean only.

- [clears throat]

You went through her laundry?

- I'm telling her.

I'm telling her right now.

- Stop! Stop, stop.

Stop, Ali. Please.

Oop!

Pardon me.

- Mom? Mom, we have

to tell you something.

- We're going to be late.

- You guys look so cute.

No, wait, just one picture,

just one picture, please.

Go--um, just be a raisin, okay.

Oh, that's cute.

Move around a little bit.

[plastic scratching]

- Like this?

- Oh, that's adorable.

- How about a little of this?

[thud]

[smack]

- Alexandra.

Please tell me you are

holding these for a friend.

- You smoked

for 20 years.

- My gynecologist

smoked then.

- Okay, great,

we heard it.

I'll talk to her.

- This is bullshit, okay?

Bullshit.

Both of you are hypocrites.

I'm so over this.

- What the f***

just happened?

- I'll handle it.

I got it.

[groans]

She's just being scary.

It's Halloween.

She's a scary--

a scary raisin.

[dance music]

- La la dee la la da

La la dee la la da

La la dee la la da

La la dee la la da

In my sleep

I see you hanging

Reaching for me

Although I'm falling

[indistinct chatter]

- Come on, darlin'.

It could've been that bad.

- Watch it. My ex...

- Can I get a white wine?

- You got it.

- [sighs]

- I don't think

he's going to be there.

It's making me sick.

- Okay, well, I mean

you cheated on him,

and you ignored him

for two weeks.

So, I probably wouldn't

show up either if I were him.

- Yes, but just

take into account

that he doesn't know

the cheating part.

- Good.

You take that

to the vault, okay?

- Why? What?

- You just throw away

the combination.

Because he never

has to know about it.

Anything.

- You--

Ugh!

Ooh.

It's that time of the month.

[both laugh]

- No.

- You know, you are really

a weird little bird,

you know that?

Mime. Sorry.

- You're a weird

little bird.

- [laughs]

- I just want you

to be happy.

- [sighs]

- He's here.

- How's my raisin?

- It looks really good.

You look awesome.

- You forgot to make

a pee hole for this thing.

- [laughs] Aw.

- Hi.

Oh. Hi.

You're crying.

- I know.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah.

- What's the matter?

- You look so nice

in this box.

You are so nice

to wear the box.

- I love it.

I mean, I hate it,

but I love it.

I'm wearing it.

- You are so good.

- Yeah, you are too.

Okay, you're freaking me out

right now.

- Okay, yeah.

I'm not good.

- What happened?

- I did something bad.

- Okay. Just what?

What?

- A couple weeks ago,

after we saw--

after we went

to the party, I--

when I was at the party

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