Landline Page #7

and I was talking to Nate there.

And then--

- No!

Oh, my f***ing God.

- Please, please, please.

Let me finish.

- Did you f*** him?

- I'm not putting

my words together.

- Did you f*** him?

You f***ed him!

- [crying]

- I knew it.

I f***ing knew it,

and I didn't say anything

because I'm a f***ing chump!

- No, no, no, no, no.

I am the chump.

- I can't believe you.

- Ben? Ben, please.

Please, please!

Ben!

- You drop your box, Raisin Man.

- F*** you!

[disco music playing]

- Never was

a disco man myself.

- Neither was my husband.

The coke was great.

- [laughs]

Yeah, so I hear.

Divorced? Widowed?

- Uh, what if I'm neither?

- Somebody married you.

So how long

you been divorced?

- I'm not.

- Looking for a third?

- You're not his type.

- You're a real pisser.

- [laughs]

My husband used to think so.

- I'm Mitch.

- Let's dance, Mitch.

- Who knows how to disco

like it's 1975?

[disco music plays]

- Dim all the lights,

sweet darling

'Cause tonight

It's all the way

Hey, baby,

Turn up the old Victrola

Gonna dance the night away

- [sniffs]

What did I just do?

- Badelia be crazy.

- I just didn't want

to be Dad.

- You're not Dad.

- You should've seen

his face.

He's never going

to talk to me again.

- Yes, he will.

I mean it.

It will be okay.

Um, can you just wait here?

I have to pick up

something for a friend.

I'll be back

in, like, a second.

- No, thank you.

[door slams]

Who do you know

who lives here?

- Um, don't worry

about it.

- Ugh, Ali, no,

I hate that, okay.

And also this has been

a horrible, long night.

Can we please just go home?

- Yeah, just wait

right there, okay?

- [sighs]

Is this dripping?

- Bag and a bag?

- Uh, yeah. Two?

- Two and two.

- What? Wait, he's taking

my money.

- He'll be right back,

freshie.

- Is this your friend?

What did--

- Just be quiet, okay?

- Why?

Is this a drug deal?

Are you buying drugs?

- Shut the f*** up, trash bag.

- Uh, take a better look,

cool guy.

I'm a California Raisin.

- Dana! Can you just--

can you be cool, please?

- No, I can't be cool.

I've had the worst night,

and I don't know why

you would bring me

to this gross place.

No offense.

Let's just go.

[glass shatters]

Ooh! Oh my God!

Is that a needle?

- Just calm down, okay?

- I don't want to calm down.

- It's for a friend.

It's not even for me.

And this is not, like,

a regular thing for me, okay.

It's--it's a holiday.

- The holiday is Halloween,

which is not typically

a heroin holiday

on most people's calendars.

You're so smart.

Why would you do this?

You know that people do it

one time, they get addicted--

- I did it once.

I'm fine.

Jesus F***ing Christ, Dana,

not everything

is so black and white.

Like, you can--you can f*** Nate

and still love Ben, right?

- Oh, sh*t!

- Okay. You need

to just step out.

You're not

in this conversation.

[sighs]

[footsteps on stairs]

- So, Mini Trash,

want your sh*t or not?

- Not.

[muted yelling]

- Five-o! Five-o!

- What is that?

- I don't know.

- Yo, run, raisins, run!

- Go, go, Ali!

Go, go, go, go, go.

- Hold on, ladies

- Are you kidding?

I just said no.

- And I'm sure Nancy Reagan

would be real proud.

But you're trespassing.

Come on.

- All alone

All alone

[Alan laughs]

- Like a near-sighted dog

with a bone

Aw, but it's better

- Hey. Lenny's on HBO.

- Yakking on the phone

I gave her everything

- Remember I took you

to see him on our first date?

Then we went to night court

to watch hookers

and pimps get arraigned.

[laughs]

What's...

What's gotten into you, huh?

Hi.

[kissing]

[heavy breathing]

[exhales]

[moans]

[cries out]

Oh. Oh!

- Ah, oh.

[sighs]

- Oh.

- I'll be rich

- [gasps]

- But so all alone

[applause]

Alan?

- What?

- Which one of us

fucks better?

- What are--what are you

talking about?

- Just--just stop, okay.

- Really, Patty,

I don't know what you're--

- Stop.

Stop lying.

I know about Carla.

I read all the stupid...

f***ing sh*t that you wrote.

- Are you serious?

It's a play.

It's--it's for the play.

- I should chuck that

f***ing computer at your head.

- Patty, I--

- Just stay,

stay where you are.

What was your plan?

Were you ever

going to tell me or...

Why her and not me?

- Because she knows

I'm alive, okay?

- She knows you're alive?

Really?

When was the last time

you or anybody in this house

ever even looked at me?

- You think I'm a failure.

You said it

right in front of Ali.

- I did what?

- You don't even

like me anymore.

- Look, I married you, okay.

Can we just assume

that I like you?

- I don't have to assume

with her.

She tells me!

- Really? She tells you what?

That you're so great

and that she loves you.

- Yeah, for who I am

and some other person

she wishes I could be.

I had...

I had no idea...

that this was

going to be anything, Patty.

I don't want

to lose you.

And the girls.

- You broke the rules.

[phone rings]

[sighs]

[phone rings]

[indistinct chatter]

[door unlocking]

[door squeaks]

- [sighs]

[laughs quietly]

[door buzzes]

[door slams open]

[soft music]

- Hey.

[patting]

We're home.

We'll all talk

in the morning.

I'm gonna find a spot.

- Okay.

Okay.

- Mom?

[sighs]

Mom?

Oh my God, Mom.

We're okay.

I'm so sorry. We're fine.

We're fine.

Mom, we're totally fine.

- [sniffs]

Your father f***ed up.

[laughs]

- We know.

- You do?

- We haven't known

for very long.

And we also weren't sure.

- Yeah, but I should've

told you.

- No, no, no.

You have nothing

to apologize for.

I've known

for a little while too.

[sighs]

- [coughs]

Oh.

[hacking cough]

No.

[sizzles]

[coughing]

[hacking cough]

- Come here.

I love you guys so much.

Even when you make me crazy.

You're the best thing

that ever happened to me.

You know it doesn't

always wind up like this.

Right, it doesn't

have to end up like this.

- This isn't so bad.

[knocking]

- Saw it in her eyes

- I don't want to see you.

- Oh, it wasn't what

she said

She came together

like a dream

[door unlocking]

That I didn't know I had

From the sleeping life

I lead

- Hi.

- You think you're being cute.

But you're being

a f***ing a**hole.

[phones ringing]

- I can't recognize

The one in front of me

Oh, the truth

is I don't mind

And then it finally

came along

Turn around

and then he's there

Oh, the lovers I've...

[crashing]

- [laughs]

- I want to know you

I want to show you

- I love you.

- I love you.

Thank you.

- Um, I made you this tape.

- Oh. What a loser.

- I called it.

I knew you'd get back together.

- Yeah, you know everything.

- Yeah. Bye.

- Bye!

- Want to get high

and watch "Zelig"?

- Not really.

- What's up?

- What do you mean?

- You're not saying anything.

- Neither are you.

- My mom wanted me

to invite you

to my grandma's

80th birthday party.

[laughs]

- Oh.

- They call you

my girlfriend.

Is that okay?

- I like you.

Like, like a lot.

Um, just seems like

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