Landmine Goes Click

[Overlapping chatter

in different languages]

[Soft European music]

[Man]

And we're listening

to this because...

[Woman]

It's the only show in town.

[Man #2]

That's nice for him.

He's got a completely

captive audience.

[Woman]

I wonder what he's saying.

[Man]

People of earth,

do not be afraid.

[Woman]

Assimilation is painless.

[Man #2]

Yeah, but probing not so much.

Hey, we could use my phone

to play some music.

[Man]

There is no auxiliary.

- [Man #2] Well, sh*t.

- [Woman laughs]

- [Man] Indeed.

- [Woman] We will live.

[Man #2]

I will not.

[Man]

I need a quick stop, okay?

- [Soft Latin music]

- [Groans] Whoo.

[Man #2]

That good, huh?

Did you think about

what I said?

Yes.

I think it's a mistake.

What, what we did, or...

What we did

doesn't matter anymore, okay?

But telling him

about it does.

- Yeah, it does.

- So we say nothing.

What, what do you think,

I wanna tell him

Just to break you guys up?

Should I?

[Man]

You know this place

used to be a warzone

A couple years ago.

[Man #2]

A warzone, really?

- [Woman] Huh.

- [Man] Yeah, tanks, artillery,

Mines, the whole deal.

[Man #2]

What was it, like a civil war?

[Man]

Russians invaded.

[Chuckles]

Shocker.

F***ing Russians, man,

they just don't get it,

nobody likes them.

I mean seriously,

name one good thing

To come out of Russia

other than, like,

Really hot

girl tennis players.

- [Woman laughs]

- [Man] Vodka.

- [Woman] Yeah, there's that.

- [Man #2] Vodka?

The swedes make better vodka,

Sh*t, even the French

make better vodka.

[Man]

Oil and gas.

- [Woman] What?

- The Russians,

They make oil and gas.

[Man #2]

They don't make oil and gas,

They have oil and gas.

[Woman]

Yeah, right, it's not like

Anyone said wow,

this Russian oil

is so much better than that

- watered down Saudi sh*t.

- [Man] Hold up,

Let me get my bearings.

- Are we on course?

- Yeah, I think we are.

I give you the ak-47.

- When you absolutely...

- [Woman chuckles]

Positively gotta kill

Every motherf***er

in the room,

[Both men]

Accept no substitutes.

- [All laughing]

- [Man #2] That's a good point.

[Woman]

You shouldn't have seen that.

[Man #2]

It's kind of sad, really,

you know, the Russians,

I thought they... i thought

they wanted to be free.

- Be good.

- [Woman] Be like us.

[Man] All I know is

you never trust someone

That comes from a country

that's successful with chess.

[Man #2, laughs]

Yeah, you all right?

- [Man] Come on.

- [Woman] I'm all right.

[Man #2]

All right, there you go.

- [Man] All right?

- Up, all right.

- [Woman] It's good, thank you.

- [Groans]

- [Man] You're welcome.

- [Gasps]

What?

- [Man #2, laughs] No...

- Oh, my God.

How do you like

them apples, huh?

- Aw, man, dude.

- [Laughs]

Chris, will you marry us?

- [Woman] Now?

- Yeah.

- Come on, come on.

- What?

- Let's do it.

- Shouldn't we save it?

Put your bags... babe,

we have the whole ceremony

To make it official,

this is, like, between us,

Friends, family,

it's all that matters, right?

Yeah, but I just...

-[Stutters] I wouldn't know

what to say, so.

- Just put your...

Screw it, I will help you.

Yes, okay, yes, he's right.

- I'm sorry.

- [Laughing]

- So, I say what...

- L-ladies and gentlemen,

- we are gathered here today.

- Right [Clears throat]

Ladies and gentlemen,

We are gathered here today

to celebrate

The marriage

of Daniel and Alicia.

[Daniel] Wedding

is a sacred institution.

[Chris]

Yeah, marriage

is a sacred institution

And it should not be

taken lightly.

[Daniel]

And we're not, so let's skip

forward to the good part.

So, Daniel,

do you take Alicia?

[Chris]

Daniel, do you take Alicia

To be

your lawfully wedded wife?

For rich, poor, sick

and in good health

So long

as you both shall live?

- [Alicia] I do.

- [Daniel] I do.

- [Laughing]

- This is stupid.

- What?

- This is stupid,

You know, I mean,

you guys are...

Doing your thing and it

makes me feel, like, I just,

I don't want to, okay?

- What, what is wrong, man?

- Nothing, nothing.

Nothing's wrong, I just,

you know, you guys

have your fun,

I got... i gotta set up camp

And, you know,

we're losing light, so just...

[Daniel]

I know something's wrong.

- And I wanna know what.

- [Chris] Hmm?

Chris.

[Chris]

Nothing.

- I'm fine, it's nothing.

- [Chuckles]

- Okay.

- It's all good.

Now, Chris, Chris, so, look,

I'm your best friend, okay?

You don't think I know

when something's up your ass?

Huh? Spill it.

[Chris]

Yeah, all right, fine,

There's something

that I gotta tell you.

It's... I'm...

I'm sorry, okay?

You know, you guys

are getting married

- and I should be happy, but...

- But what?

- Because i...

- So what, so... so, wh...

No, no, no, no, no,

so, you think,

You think we're gonna have

couples dinners without you?

You think

we're gonna go antiquing

And... and... and

rent a tandem bike

And ride around town

in matching outfits?

You a**hole.

And...

I'm gonna set you up...

With so many hot girlfriends.

So many hot girlfriends.

So many.

I hate antiquing.

It's not happening.

- [Chris] All right.

- [Daniel] Okay,

To my best man.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

- Whoa, wooo.

- [Chuckles]

- [Sighs]

- Okay.

- You okay?

- All right,

There's a possibility

I may be drunk.

Maybe just a little bit.

- All right, bedtime. Come on.

- No, no, no, no, no.

[Chris]

Guys, there's actually,

there's something I really do

Need to tell you.

It's, um... um...

I now pronounce

you man and wife.

- Really?

- Yeah, really, so go ahead,

Kiss the bride if you think

you got it in you.

Well, I'm gonna attempt to.

- Babe.

- Okay, I'm drunk,

But I'm not that drunk.

[Chris]

Da da da-da,

da da da-da,

- there ya go, good job, buddy.

- I can do it by myself.

- Good-night, Chris.

- Good-night, buddy.

See you in the morning, okay?

- Yes.

- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, thank God.

- Get in here.

- [Mumbling]

- [Moaning]

- Mm. Babe, what the heck?

- We gotta consummate our vows.

- Close the thing.

- Ugh.

Okay, it's closed.

[Moans]

[Groans]

- He can hear us.

- We can be quiet.

We can be quiet.

[Soft Latin music]

[Alicia moans]

Oh, f***.

- Hey, what are you doing, pal?

- Hey, whoa. Stop, help, help!

You're stealing our stuff,

a**hole.

I'm not stealing.

I'm devi.

- Davie, who's davie?

- Help!

- Why you stealing?

- Not davie, devi!

I'm friend

of Alicia and Daniel.

I'm park ranger, get out!

- Hey, what's wrong?

- [Alicia] Devi!

- He's going through

your packs.

- What the hell happened?

He's going

through your packs,

he's stealing your stuff.

Yeah, he was getting

my camera so I didn't have

-To climb back up.

- I was gonna

introduce you guys,

But it looks like

you already met.

[Groans]

Yo, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, man,

I'm... I'm Chris.

- Devi.

- [Speaking foreign phrase].

- You okay?

- [Native language]. I'm fine.

[Sighs]

- It's okay, Chris.

- Okay.

- I would do same.

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