Larceny, Inc. Page #2

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Nothing but straight and narrow.

Strictly legitimate from here in.

Well, come on.

Taxi.

Pressure, I'm so sorry I have to rush off,

but Weepy's parked down the street.

Well, okay, honey, don't you worry

about a thing, now. I'll pick you up tonight.

I got plans, big plans, for you, for the boys,

for J. Chalmers Maxwell.

- Pressure, do me a favor.

- Anything.

- Drop the "Chalmers" out of your name.

- But, baby, that's what gives me class.

That's what gives you larceny.

Alexis Dance Studio, 43rd and 7th.

- Now I know where it is.

DENNY:
Bye-bye.

- So long. Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

- She's a great little girl.

- Yeah.

Every time I see her, my heart goes

pitty-pat, pitty-pat, pitty-pat.

Oh, no, forget it. Denny isn't falling for any

ape who's tutoring ended in reform school.

The way you talk, you'd think

she was a born princess or something.

I happen to know

she's Dutch Costello's daughter.

Well, Dutch Costello met a very

untimely end in the phone booth.

To all interested parties, I'm her daddy.

All right, you're her daddy,

I ain't gonna argue.

Hey, fellas.

Hey, fellas, a gorgeous silver fox.

Four bucks, it's hot.

- Weepy.

- Holy smokes, Pressure.

- Weepy, how are you? You look great.

- Hey, pretty swanky.

Oh, just keeping body and soul together,

trying to dispose of genuine silver foxes.

Say, they're beautiful.

How can you do it for 4 bucks?

Fella over at 2nd Avenue

makes them for a buck and a half.

- Strictly peanuts.

- Would you sell me this for $2?

- I wanna give it to a friend as a gift.

- Two bucks. Give me that.

- Oh, there goes my profit.

- I'm sorry.

- Come on, we've got a lot to talk over.

- I got just the place.

- Get in the car.

- All right.

I got plans, fabulous plans, for all of us.

- Oh, Jug, that overcoat. Just about my size.

- Can I keep the cane, Pressure?

Now, here's the setup.

This dog track is in Florida.

It's in pretty good shape.

Needs a little remodeling,

and a little of my organizational genius.

What do we got to go to Florida for?

Why can't we crack that bank

Leo told us about?

Because, you cork-head,

banks ain't made out of cellophane.

- Florida ain't no good for my sinus.

- Neither is that joint up on the Hudson.

Now, listen.

We can buy into this track for 25 grand.

Two dozen dogs, mechanical rabbit.

Boy, milk and honey.

It's legitimate, it's legal, it's lucrative.

It's wonderful, Pressure.

But 25 G's is a lot of coleslaw.

- Where we gonna glom onto it?

- Well, I got that all doped out.

We're selling the assets

of the North American Nickel Company...

...and all those obsolete slot machines

we own.

A guy in Kansas City

is taking them off our hands.

This is gonna be hard for me to spill...

...but we ain't got more slot machines.

- What?

Well, you see,

while you boys was away at camp...

- What happened?

- Do you really want me to tell you?

- Well, what happened?

- Well...

- What happened?

- Ten cops came in with hatchets one day...

...and all they left was two cherries

and a tulip.

They chopped up our slot machines?

- Like hamburger.

- Why, this is criminal.

It isn't the machines so much...

...it's the wanton destruction

of private property.

What are we kidding ourselves for,

Pressure? It's the 25 grand.

Hey, fellas,

let's crack that bank on 6th Avenue, huh?

You say that once again, I'm gonna crack

that skull of yours on 7th Avenue.

We got exactly 10 days

to rake up the dough.

Say, maybe Jug has got something.

- After all, what is banks for?

- Yeah.

That's it. That's it.

Weepy, you've thrown me

to the most sensational...

...the most awe-inspiring idea

I've ever had.

- You mean, we're gonna blow that bank?

- Shut up.

We're going into a legitimate business.

What's to prevent us

from borrowing it legitimately?

Yeah, but then you got to sign papers.

- The minute you sign, they got you.

- Bank loans are the backbone of the nation.

- But what bank is gonna give us 25 grand?

- Any bank, even that bank on 6th Avenue.

- Come on.

- Weepy...

...I don't like the idea of going into a bank

through the front door.

Come on.

That's a swell picture of Louie, ain't it?

Well, it is.

Oh, good afternoon. I'm Mr. Buchanan.

Glad to know you, Buchanan.

Maxwell is the name.

- I'd like to make a loan.

- That shouldn't be difficult.

- Come in and sit down, Mr. Maxwell.

- Thank you.

- Smoke?

- Thank you.

- My compliments.

- After dinner.

[WHISTLES]

May I help you, sir?

N... No, thanks. I'm just looking around.

This dog track's better

than a government bond.

Hundred percent return on the dollar.

- I'm prepared to cut the bank 10 percent.

- But we only take six, Mr. Maxwell.

Oh.

Well, look here, Buchanan...

...you play ball with me,

and you'll get the other four.

Personally.

That's very amusing, Mr. Maxwell.

May I help you, sir?

- Yeah. What's in the cellar?

- Our vaults.

Vaults.

- They keep all that cabbage down there?

- Certainly.

[WHISTLES]

If I owned the bank,

I wouldn't be able to sleep nights.

Look here, Buchanan,

this whole thing doesn't add up.

The only people who borrow money

are people who have money.

An honest citizen comes in with

a proposition and gets a quick brush.

My dear Mr. Maxwell,

all I'm trying to say is...

Yeah, I know, collateral.

That's the only way you can avail yourself

of our funds.

Brother, that's what you think.

Making business in the back.

- Sabotaging American industry.

- You said it.

We gave them their chance.

They wouldn't come across...

...we'll have to borrow our way.

- Now you're talking, boss.

We don't need help from no banks.

We can stand on our own two feet.

It's like the Western Front around here.

- What are they doing, building a bridge?

- No, the subway, you sap. You clumsy ox.

It's getting so a guy needs life insurance

to walk across the street.

PRESSURE:

Let's get in and have a cup of coffee.

Gentlemen, can I show you something?

Hosiery, lampshades, electric toasters?

- We have a 12-piece dinner set.

- What happens if you get sick in here?

- All we want is a cup of coffee.

- Hobart. Front.

- Coffee.

- Coffee.

Three coffees.

Right away.

Listen, this is a pushover.

Leo told us the vault was in the cellar

and it's put together with glue.

I ain't had my hands on a vault

in close to a decade.

Oh, cut it, cut it, you goons.

None of that Jesse James stuff.

This situation calls for strategy.

Here you are, the finest coffee in town.

Scientifically blended, fresh every half hour.

Did we ask you?

Blow.

What's the angle, Pressure?

You notice anything

while we were coming across the street?

- Yeah, just mud.

- Well, take a look.

What do you see?

- A bank.

- Next to the bank.

- Hm. Looks like a luggage store.

- Brilliant.

Now, the way I figure...

...it's barely possible that the cellar

of the luggage store faces the vault.

Let's quit horsing around.

Why can't we blow that thing like...?

Like three gentlemen?

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