Larceny, Inc. Page #3

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Why don't you blow your brains out?

Go ahead, Pressure.

Now, here's the angle.

I'm going to the shop

and have a talk with the owner.

In five minutes, the gas-meter man comes,

goes to the cellar, and has a look around.

Yeah, but where do we get

a gas-meter man?

Come with me.

Here.

Hey, I'm allergic to badges.

You are now working

for the gas company.

Now, don't forget, in five minutes.

That will be 65 cents, please...

...for the coffee, the flashlight

and the badge.

Interested in the bank?

Here, Mr. Bigelow, is a newcomer

in our featherweight line.

The Hotchkiss foldaway. It's gonna be

backed by national advertising...

...the greatest campaign

in all luggage history.

- I don't know if I can guarantee delivery.

- Why not?

Because the factories are all...

- I don't believe I caught your name.

- Bachrach. Sam Bachrach.

- I own the music shop across the street.

- Yeah? Maybe you got a customer.

- No.

- Excuse me, a customer.

Yes, sir.

- What can I show you?

- Nothing at the moment, my good friend.

- Just let me browse around.

- Certainly. Go ahead, help yourself.

- You'll find many interesting things here.

- Don't worry, I won't overlook an item.

I don't want to waste your time, Jeff,

but the way the street is torn up, l...

Well, business is so bad, I was wondering

if you couldn't take back some luggage.

Your stock's all right,

the trouble is you don't dramatize it.

However, I'll give you a breather.

I'll pop in next week.

All right.

Oh, just a suggestion, sir.

Don't overlook

the Hotchkiss pocket bantam.

You've got it in stock.

It has four flaps, two zippers...

...space for calling cards, driver's license,

stamps, keys and a pencil. Show it to him.

It comes in English morocco

and French alligator.

And Persian cat.

- It also presses your pants.

- Yeah.

- L... I beg your pardon, sir.

- Okay, bud.

- Look at your meter.

- Right down there in the cellar.

- Snug little stand you got here.

- Thank you, sir. Here's that pocket bantam.

- Well, don't you have anything in pin seal?

- Oh, yes. Over here.

A place like this fascinates me.

Always been interested in leather.

Spent two years on an alligator farm.

Must be in my blood.

Now, here's the pin seal,

a nice roomy one.

Yes, but don't you have something

with gold trimming?

- Oh, of course.

- How do you do?

- How do you do?

- I'll have to ask you to come to the case.

Now, here's a wallet trimmed in gold.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I dropped it.

- That's all right.

Yes. Yes, sir,

all my life I've had a dream.

Always said to myself when I retire,

I'm gonna open a leather store like this.

Well, it's not an easy business, sir.

Homer, did you hear what the man said?

He wants to buy a luggage store.

Well, that's fine.

Crocodile?

- No, alligator.

- Oh, domestic.

Tell me, Mr. Bigelow,

that's your name, isn't it?

BIGELOW:

Yes, sir, Homer Bigelow.

Mr. Homer Bigelow,

if someone came to you...

...and offered to buy your place,

how much would you ask?

Well, I've never given it a thought.

A thousand dollars cash,

and 3000 over a year. It's a steal.

- But Sam...

- He has to vacate, doctor's orders.

He has to go to Florida for his...

[COUGHS]

- His health.

- Lungs?

No, heart.

Well, that's too bad,

I'm sorry to hear that.

- Yes, that's what the doctor tells me.

- Well, really.

Oh, you...? You really want to

buy this shop?

Yes, if we can negotiate

a satisfactory deal.

Well, a thousand dollars cash,

I might be persuaded.

You see, I've been here a long time.

Goodwill is worth something...

...and the fixtures and my stock.

- And a good lease.

- Yes, indeed. Thousand dollars, huh?

- It's a bargain.

BIGELOW:
Of course, there are also

a number of unpaid bills.

And a mortgage.

You'll have to take care of them.

Yes, that sounds like a reasonable sum.

Well, it's worth thinking about.

Tempting idea.

Yes, indeed, very tempting.

Oh, what about this wallet?

Oh, that?

You better hold it till tomorrow.

We might be discussing something more

important than the purchase of a wallet.

Fascinating business.

Good day, gentlemen.

Good day.

- You think he'll come back?

- Lf he does, he must be crazy.

Gentlemen, I have some news for you.

- We're going into the luggage business.

- Yeah? For how much?

One thousand dollars, a bargain.

How's the cellar?

Oh, a natural. We can tunnel our way under

and spend Christmas in the bank vault.

Of course, this ain't none of my business,

but where we gonna get a G?

Well, I've given that some thought too.

Oh, tell me, Weepy,

how long have you had that vehicle?

Oh, just about a...

Oh, no. No, you don't, Pressure,

that car's all I got.

- Besides, it's only good for 500.

- Yeah, that's right.

Let me see, it's six years now since we

worked that hit-and-settle game, isn't it?

Yeah, just about... Hey, wait a minute.

I ain't gonna get hit by no limousine.

As I recall, the accident

happened at 1 and we collected at 3.

Pressure, have a heart,

them new streamlined jobs is murder.

Now, Jug, it isn't often

I call on you for a sacrifice.

- Pressure, listen to me, will you...?

- Get in there.

Corner of Park Avenue and 57th Street.

MAN:

Read all about it. Extra. Paper.

Read all about it here. Extra. Paper.

Final edition. Read all about it.

Extra. Paper.

Paper. Extra. Paper.

Extra. Read all about it.

Extra. Paper.

Extra. Paper. Paper, sir?

Pressure.

I can't do it, Pressure, it's suicide.

You used to take four dives a week.

That's when I was training.

Let Weepy, he's in shape.

- No, that's not my line.

- It's a pipe if you know how.

Take a side bounce off the fender.

You spot the big job coming down...

...you make like you ain't looking,

you step off like this, watch.

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

Oh, you poor man. Are you hurt?

This is an outrage.

I witnessed this entire catastrophe.

As a public-spirited citizen, I protest this

savage attack on an innocent pedestrian.

- Let me see your license.

- I saw the whole thing, sir.

- Get the gentleman's hat and overcoat.

- Oh, thank you.

It worked.

- There you are, Mr. Maxwell.

- Here you are.

- Don't spend it all in one hotel.

- Thank you, Mr. Maxwell.

- That's very kind of you.

- Yeah.

Gosh.

- I'm gonna miss the old place.

- You'll forget about it...

...when you're lolling on those sunny sands

in Florida, you lucky dog, you.

Well, goodbye, Mr. Bigelow,

don't forget to drop us a card.

- About that inventory...

- Now, look, Mr. Bigelow.

I study human nature

and I can tell an honest man.

The stock is everything you represented.

Thank you very much.

Oh, about the burglar alarm.

- You'll find it behind the counter...

- Yes, we know all about those.

- Oh, I'm so glad you do. Well, goodbye.

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

Oh, I want to wish you

and your partners...

...the very best of luck

in your new venture.

- Thank you.

- Goodbye.

- Well, goodbye, Mr. Bugelow.

- Goodbye, Mr. Bigelow.

Well...

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