Larry Gaye: Renegade Male Flight Attendant

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1

Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

- Mmm-hmm. Yeah, keep doing that.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, Larry! -Oh... Uh, I'm

sorry, help me out here.

- Suzanne.

- Oh, Susan!

No! Suzanne. -I'm sorry.

I meant to say Susan.

No. Suzanne.

Oh, Suzanne!

- Oh.

- Yeah.

- You are amazing.

- Well...

I could never have reached those

heights of passion without you.

Actually, you did reach those

heights of passion without me.

Oh, God, you are so damn hot.

Yeah. Right there, Larry.

That's it.

- Don't stop.

- Larry!

What?

What?

- So, how about some breakfast?

- I couldn't possibly.

- You see, Su...

- Zanne!

You see, Zanne,

I know you'd want me

to have breakfast,

date for a while, get married,

start a family,

plants roots in the community,

join the local church, synagogue

or a polygamous cult,

but that's not my speed.

If I stay on the ground too

long, the sky starts to beckon.

Don't you ever get

tired of that lifestyle,

flying from place to place

all the time?

Every once in a while,

I wake up in a cold sweat,

my entire being enveloped by

a crushing, empty loneliness

that physically presses down on

me till I can barely breathe.

But then I ignore it

and it usually passes.

That doesn't sound too healthy.

Well, mind-blowing sex

and free medical advice.

- Zanne, what don't you give?

- I have a surprise for you.

Is that what I think it is?

Here's something

to remember me by.

- Oh.

You sure I can't get you anything?

A little breakfast to go?

Okay, but just something

quick and easy.

So...

Mr. Gaye,

um, you're a flight attendant?

- Bingo.

- And, uh, you want us to

publish your book? -Yahtzee.

- Oh, but the book is not written yet?

- Twister.

Uh, and it is the story

of your life?

The Unauthorized Autobiography.

The Unauthorized Autobiography?

Um,

- but an autobiography cannot

be unauthorized. -Or can it?

By writing the book, you're implicitly

authorizing that it be written.

Define "implicitly."

Mr. Gaye, was there ever a time in

the past that maybe I'm unaware of

where I wiped my bottom

with 20 minutes of your life?

Define "aware" and "20."

- Who arranged this meeting?

- -Uh...

I... I did, sir.

You're fired.

Oh. And happy birthday.

- Hey. -Would someone please

show this jackass the door?

I already saw the door

on my way in.

Now, sir, my life story

yearns to be told.

It's a tale of intrigue,

adventure

and life among the clouds.

Mr. Gaye,

if you held a gun to my head

and said to me,

"Hey, be less interested

in my book"

"or I will splatter the walls

with the contents of your skull,"

I don't think I could.

I guess I'll just have

to take my story elsewhere.

There are other fish in the

publishing sea, my friend.

Yes, in Manhattan,

I'm gonna need two numbers,

the first one is for Simon, and

then I need one for Schuster.

Look, if I walk out that door,

guys, I'm not coming back!

You got it?

Oh, you think I'm bluffing?

You think I'm bluffing?

Good day, everyone!

Okay.

I'm headed to the elevator.

- Do we have any kind

of screening process here?

Okay. I'm in the elevator.

- Get out.

- Yep. Yes.

It's closing.

The door is closing.

- The door is closing.

Last chance!

If I get in a taxi,

you're out of luck!

Is there a quicker way to

the airport, my friend?

I'm running late for a flight.

Sorry, man,

it's like this all over.

- Rush hour traffic, you know.

- I know that accent.

What part of Canada

are you from?

I'm from Jamaica.

Yeah, but you obviously lived

in Canada for a long time.

No, man, never been there.

But your parents were Canadian

and spoke it around the house.

No, man!

Bet you never had to worry aboot

traffic like this in Saskatchewan,

eh?

Eh?

Who's that guy?

I can help you with that bag.

All right.

Please be careful! I have my grandfather's

remains in an urn up there.

- I will, sir.

- Excuse me!

This woman claims she's in 9E,

but that's my seat.

I'll try to straighten

that out. Okay?

I can't remember if I ordered a

kosher meal or not. Can you help me?

Okay. If you can just give me one

second, I will check that, I promise.

Okay, people, please, please, please, okay?

It's my very first flight

and our lead attendant is not here,

but I'm doing the best that I can.

So, please, bear with me.

Grandpa!

Excuse me.

Is there a problem here?

Allow me.

Anything else?

She's in my seat.

Oh.

Actually, ma'am,

you're not in 9E.

You're in 3b.

Common mistake.

I've been trying to find out

if I ordered a kosher meal.

Rabbi, I got the passenger

manifest in advance,

so I personally prepared you a nice piece

of chicken with a side of borscht.

Thank you, my son.

What about my grandpa? Look.

- Gramps comin' at ya!

Thanks.

You really saved me there.

You saying "Thanks"

is thanks enough.

Um, okay.

- I guess we're ready.

- Not yet.

My finely honed senses

tells me there's someone

on board this flight

who's a threat to us all.

You, sir.

Frat guy, huh?

- Oh, Phi Beta Kappa, it's an

academic fraternity. -Oh?

You like to drink,

get out of control,

you boot and rally,

you cause a scene.

No, I don't drink.

I'm a Rhodes Scholar.

I'm actually flying to UCLA

to collect an award.

I won't have those kind

of shenanigans on my flight!

Take a hike, party boy!

- No, but I'm...

- Save it, Animal House!

Off my plane!

Off my plane!

Okay, rookie,

let's fly this b*tch.

Miss McCoy, it's all yours.

Thank you.

Gentlemen and ladies, what do

we spend the most money on?

- Passenger safety.

Stop it, Geddes, stop it!

This is serious.

Outside of equipment,

fuel and brass tacks,

our greatest operating expense

is service.

Flight attendants.

- Yes.

- Their union is strong,

their salaries keep rising.

Not to mention their benefits.

But what if I told you

there was a way

to completely eliminate

human flight attendants?

Even if we could, where

would you hide the bodies?

Oh, just asking.

Gentlemen, there is someone

I would like for you to meet.

Good morning, Miss McCoy.

Good morning, Sally.

Sally, may I have

a cup of coffee, please?

My pleasure.

Thank you, Sally.

Oh, this coffee is way too hot!

Oh.

I'm sorry, Miss McCoy. I'll find

some more coffee that's not so hot.

- What the...

- She's not real!

- Right, Sally?

- That's right, Miss McCoy.

My body is state-of-the-art

neoprene

stretched over a complex

electronic framework,

my brain is a powerful

microprocessor

capable of five billion

decisions per second

and my b*obs are a perky 34C.

This is amazing.

Go ahead, touch her. You'd

never know the difference.

- What?

- Touch her.

You mean, just... Wow!

I'm Nathan, by the way.

The pleasure's yours, Nathan.

That was incredible, all the

stuff you did back there.

I'm not sure "incredible"

is the right word.

I believe it's "uncredible."

I'm pretty sure

it's "incredible."

Let's agree not to disagree.

I don't think

that's the expression.

Are you disagreeing with me?

We just agreed not to.

You were saying?

They sure didn't teach us any of

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