Lassie Page #4

Oh!

(continues blowing whistle)

(car horn honks)

Thanks a lot!

(car horn honks)

(car horn honks)

At last.

HEAD:

Don't even think about it, young lady.

You're in enough trouble as it is.

Withers, if you'd be so kind.

That's a definite.

I'll give you odds of 100 to 1.

No accohmpany ng aodu ts,

poor appoearancoe, woeary odoehmoeanou r

MR O'DONNELL:

I think you're right.

Pincer movement, Mr O'Donnell,

classic manoeuvre.

You drop off here,

approach from the rear, I move ahead.

Halt, take up a covert position and, bingo,

we attack from both sides, with maximum effect.

Right, sir.

Stand aside.

Come to the nice gentleman.

Steady.

(Lassie yelps)

Hold him, hold him.

You don't have to treat a dog like that.

Sorry, Mum, it's for the protection of the public.

There's a lot of mad dogs around.

- Well, you don't have to do it like that.

MAN:
She's right.

I beg your pardon, sir.

Well, you're upsetting the dog.

Oh, am I, really? I'm so sorry.

Am I upsetting diddums?

Get up. I'll put her in the van for you.

- It'll get away from you, Mum.

- Stop calling me "Mum" and stand up.

You should let her try.

We'll just have to go through it

all over again.

Stand up!

(Lassie whimpers)

Hey, girl.

And take that away.

There you go, girl.

Please open the doors of your van.

I...

Don't stand there gawping like a halfwit.

(dogs bark)

There. You don't have to

treat stray dogs like wild beasts.

Very grateful, I'm sure.

Thank you.

Thank you. Show's over.

Can I just say,

I thought you were absolutely brilliant?

The rest of us just stood there

and you did something.

I had a dog like that when I was a kid.

Same eyes.

What will they do with her?

I'm not sure.

Keep hold of her for a while, I suppose.

If no-one shows up, they... Well, they...

They'll kill her?

It's quite humane.

Just put her to sleep or something.

No, you're right.

You're absolutely right.

- Where is the pound?

- I don't know.

I'm sure we can find it.

(dogs bark)

No nonsense from you.

(Lassie whimpers)

(dogs bark)

Shut up, the lot of you!

You're not going anywhere.

Get in there. Go on!

Oh!

Mind the door, lad!

What are you doing, you stupid idiot?

No...

Watch out.

Step aside. Step aside. Mind your back.

Ah, hey... hey...

CLERK:

All rise.

You cannot come in. Court is in session.

My Lord, if I may respectfully...

Mr McTaggart.

Is this the surprise witness

the defence has promised?

- My Lord...

- (Lassie barks)

I take it that is an answer

in the affirmative.

And I can congratulate the defence

on producing, finally, a witness

who is capable of answering yes or no

to a question without equivocation.

(laughter)

Have you lost a dog?

Yes, we have.

Mr McTaggart, whom am I addressing?

It's a dog, My Lord.

JUDGE:

You confirm my own suspicions.

Well, well, well, a dog.

Sergeant of the court,

what do I want done with it?

You wish it removed, Your Lordship?

May I congratulate you

on your powers of deduction?

(laughter)

Well, go to it, man.

There's two men outside.

Silence, everybody.

Please don't startle the dog.

She cannot jump from there,

so please let the officers do their duty

quietly and safely.

Come on,

there's nothing to be frightened of.

Come on. Come on.

I've told you already,

we don't have a collie.

Not for a number of weeks,

as a matter of fact.

I have a whippet and a couple of

very annoying terriers if you're interested.

(door opens)

That's them all back... at last.

- Fancy a cuppa?

MAN:
You were there.

The collie. We've come for the collie.

We've brought money.

We'll pay for her, whatever it is.

She escaped.

Oh, brilliant.

Bloody brilliant!

Now we've got to fill in

a missing dog report.

A perfect record lies in tatters.

- We don't have a perfect record.

- Well, we haven't now, have we?

You mean, she's gone?

Yes, madam, she's gone.

Now, if you and your husband

wouldn't mind doing the same,

my colleague has a report to write.

(dog barks)

What a couple of idiots.

Yes.

Husband, indeed.

Oh, that. Yes.

- Look...

- Yes?

I don't suppose you'd like to...

I mean...

I'd love to.

You would?

- Most definitely.

- Good.

I'm so sorry. About the dog, I mean.

Sorry?

Don't be. She's free now.

That's all I ever wanted for her.

I think we've got company, Toots.

I wonder what she wants of us.

(traveller whistles)

(imitates Greta Garbo):

I think perhaps she vants to be alone.

Whoa!

Let's see if Miss Garbo's hungry,

shall we?

Hey, it's not for you, you greedy beast.

You're not a film star.

Not yoet anyway

(sniffs)

You're no wild dog, are you?

There's a tyke, she's shy and canny,

And she's slowly coming near,

She's as cautious as my granny,

But will overcome her fear.

Whoa! Ho ho! Ho ho!

Now, we know a trick or two,

don't we, Toots?

Let's see what Your Majesty thinks

of this, shall we?

There's your dinner, Your Highness.

Eat up.

Come on, Toots.

We seem to have made a friend after all.

(fire hisses)

Put it down in the road and it's no good.

Too well trained.

Put it down in a bowl.

That was the secret.

That made it all right.

You'll have to come along with us

if you want any more.

(Lassie barks)

(bell chimes)

Hello, Joe.

How was your day?

Miss Branson liked my poem.

Well, that's a surprise.

I didn't think she liked anything

other than the sound of her own voice.

Did you hear from Dad?

No, but he'll be home for Christmas,

I'm sure of it.

(vendors shout their wares)

WOMAN:

We can't be beaten on our prices!

Fresh eggs! Get your fresh eggs here!

Hello, everybody!

CHILDREN:

Hello!

Has anybody seen my dog Toots?

CHILDREN:

No!

Well, are you sure?

He's behind you!

Where?

He's behind you!

(barks)

- Oh! Ohhhh!

(whistle)

Roll up! Roll up, ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls,

for the terrifying tale

of Androcles and the lion.

What are you doing up there, Toots?

Come down.

(children laugh)

Were you looking after the children?

W ho wants to soeoe a t r ck

by oots t hoe wonodoer odog?

ALL:

Me!

Up you go!

(laughter)

There you are.

A round of applause, please.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the terrifying tale of Androcles and the lion.

Your Highness, if you please.

You're doing fine, Your majesty.

You're doing fine.

So Androcles found himself alone

in the desert,

when suddenly

he heard a strange sound.

The poor slave Androcles

was very frightened by the lion,

but then he noticed something unusual.

Looking closely, Androcles saw

there was a thorn in the lion's paw,

and that's why the lion was so unhappy.

So plucking up his courage,

he took hold of the lion's paw

and plucked out the thorn.

The angel Gabriel got a bit of a black eye

last year.

This year he'll have a new head.

I reckon he'll be all right for Christmas.

What do you think?

Beginning to feel the cold, are you?

Winter's coming.

I think we're not going to make the Riviera

this season, Your Majesty.

It's time to head back.

You'll like it at home. Won't she, Toots?

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