Last Action Hero

This is squad, we got him here.

We have a positive ID. It is the Ripper.

Repeat, it is the Ripper.

This is one hell of a way

to spend Christmas.

- Mulcahey!

- Sir.

- Secure the sidewalk. No one in or out.

- Yes, sir.

Got a present for you. Pigs!

Damn you! Let the children go!

Damn you, Ripper! Let the children go!

Slater! Don't even think it, Slater,

you hear me?

You're gonna sit and wait

for the real hostage negotiator!

God damn it, Jack, I'm talking to you!

The last time you pulled this jive, jitterbug,

tough gonad sh*t,

people lost body parts!

Now, you go in there and it's your badge!

Jack! I know, as mayor

of this great metropolis,

you and I have had our little tiffs,

but this is the Lieutenant Governor.

- Slater, here's what I...

- When the governor gets here, call me.

Slater's attempting to enter.

Do not let him in. Repeat, do not let him in.

- Piece of cake.

- Hey.

You want to be a farmer?

Here's a couple of acres.

- Dekker, the next one I'll hurt.

- Slater, don't go in...

Check fire. There's an officer in the building.

I say again,

there's a plain-clothes officer

in the building!

- Jack, what kept you?

- Dad!

Andy here's been getting nervous.

I promised him you'd come.

Gave him my word of honor

he could watch you die.

- Lose the cannon.

- Has he hurt you, Andrew?

Hurt, Jack? You say "hurt"?

What do you know about hurt, Jack?

- You put me in a cage for 10 years.

- You should have gotten the death penalty.

Yeah, would've, should've, could've.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

Things crawling around in your head.

Sitting on my chest when I wake up.

Do you know what that's like, Jack?

It was your illegal search

that rendered the bloody ax inadmissible.

Remember, Jack? Now lose the gun.

All right, I'm unarmed. So let the boy go.

Just one gun, Jack? You got to be kidding.

- Is that all, sport?

- Yep, that about does it.

Then step away.

Chop-chop.

Oh, unless you consider this a weapon.

Brilliant, Jack. Brilliant. I surrender.

- It's a live grenade.

- Yeah, right, Jack. Right, right.

You're going to sacrifice your own child

to get to me.

I'm very flattered, Jack, but I doubt it.

Andy, pick up the grenade. Go on.

Show it to me. That's good. Right there.

Jack, that toy can't hurt the boy,

but this one can.

Focus!

Hey, come on! Focus!

- Hey, people are trying to sleep.

- Yeah, right.

The film is out of focus.

The film is out... Never mind.

Nick!

Nick.

Nick?

Nick, you okay?

- What?

- The climax is on the fritz.

All right. All right.

I never used to do that, Danny.

It's okay.

I've seen this Slater six times.

I just got worried.

You know, the new Jack Slater

opens this weekend at the Odyssey.

Like I didn't know that.

"They killed his second cousin.

Big mistake."

"Jack Slater IV."

Well, I'm checking the print tonight,

midnight. Just myself.

I could arrange for you to gain admittance,

that is, you know,

if that sort of thing appeals to you.

- See it before it opens?

- Yeah.

- Who do I have to kill?

- Nobody. All you have to do is get to school.

You know, if you hurry,

you're only going to be four hours late.

Treachery, conspiracy,

sex, sword fights, madness, ghosts.

And in the end, everybody dies.

Shakespeare's Hamlet

couldn't be more exciting.

And though it may seem

that he is incapable of taking any action,

he is, in fact, one of the first action heroes.

What you are going to see

is a scene from the film by Laurence Olivier.

Some of you might have seen him in

the Polaroid commercial,

or as Zeus in Clash ofthe Titans.

O, bosom, black as death!

Help, angels!

All may yet be well.

Now he's praying, and now I'll do it.

And so he goes to heaven.

Don't talk. Just do it.

Hey, Claudius.

You killed my father.

Big mistake.

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark,

and Hamlet is taking out the trash.

- Stay thy hand, fair prince.

- Who said I'm fair?

No one's going to tell this sweet prince,

"Good night."

To be or not to be.

Not to be.

The whole morning? He wasn't.

No, I said, "He wasn't."

He wasn't at school today.

He's sick as a lamb, poor dog.

Regale me with the story of your life

starting this morning, 8:30, first period,

American history and make this really good.

I mean something along the lines of,

"I cut so I could donate a kidney."

You were at the movies again, weren't you?

And that crazy old guy is an accessory.

- Nick's not crazy.

- Damn it, Danny!

You know, I'm in there, lying to a principal,

me, a charter member of the PTA.

And what for? So you can go to the movies?

Sorry.

I didn't choose any of this. I didn't choose it.

I didn't say, "Hey, what the hell,

"let me see what it would be like

to be a widow before I'm 40, give that a try."

- I know that.

- Give me a hug.

- I won't cut again.

- Let me hear the "p" word on that.

- Promise.

- All right.

Oh, Jesus! I'm late. I got to get to work.

All right.

Lock the top lock

the minute I close the door, okay?

And do not open this door for anyone.

- Bye.

- Bye.

She called her mother in

and they're trying to do something about it.

They had cereal bugs.

I can't wait to see the new...

...continue to be a big problem...

Come here often?

Ron Rice for one reason.

What you eating?

Nothing, maggots.

You alone? Okay. Move it!

Do yourself to the drain.

Tough guy.

Do it. I'll make it easier for you.

Go ahead.

Do it.

What is it with you? You got junk!

No jewelry, no VCR.

A sh*t TV that will get me 20 bucks.

Go fish, amigo.

Remember now, your mom says

you're to go straight home.

- She'll be there when the shift is over.

- Yes, sir.

If we find the guy, I'll give you a call.

Nick!

Come on.

- I about gave up on you.

- Sorry.

- Well, what do you think?

- Well, I've never seen anything like it.

- It's not too tight, is it?

- No, no. It's... It's the style.

I always wanted to be a magician,

but my hands, they were just too tiny.

My father, he was bookkeeper here

and he got me my first job.

Usher. It was still a vaudeville house.

Then I worked myself up to projectionist.

It's not much, but it's still show biz.

So... Is the print ready to roll?

Just a minute, young man.

Aren't we forgetting something?

A ticket.

You got to have a ticket, Danny, to see

a movie, and have I got just the one.

See, when I was about your age,

Harry Houdini played this theater

and my pop took me backstage to see him

after the show.

And he made a gesture, Houdini did.

Like this.

And all of a sudden, this was in his hand.

And he said to me, he whispered,

he said, "This is a magic ticket.

"It was given to me

by the best magician in India,

"and it was given to him

by the best magician in Tibet.

"It's a passport to another world.

"It was mine, and now it's yours."

And now it's yours.

What does it do, Nick?

I never had the courage to find out.

I had the ticket for years

and I wanted to try,

but I guess I was afraid it wouldn't work.

See, when I was your age,

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