Last Action Hero Page #2

Houdini was like a god to me.

But what if he was faking?

And then again,

what if it did work?

Yeah, well, what if it did?

Well, Houdini said something else to me.

He said, "This ticket has a mind of its own.

"It does what it wants to do."

And that always made me just a little edgy.

Well, I guess there's only one way

to find out, then, right?

Please retain your stub, sir.

Shall we see if Mr. Slater wins this time?

Jack Slater can't lose!

Never has, never will.

Oh, Frankie.

Frank. Frankie.

Frankie, why you keep on with the insults?

- I would never insult you, Mr. Vivaldi.

- When you lie, that's an insult.

I know you're Jack Slater's

favorite second cousin in the whole world.

You all the time talk to each other.

I got to know what Slater knows,

and you are going to tell me, huh?

Does he know that my mob and Torelli's mob

have just signed a secret pact

to control...

To control all the drugs

in Southern California?

We mostly talk muzzle velocities.

Guns.

Meet Mr. Benedict.

The genuine article.

And, you'd better believe it.

Sometimes, he likes to bake

while he's shooting people.

What I'm saying is Mr. Benedict

can take you out as easy as cake.

Pie, you Sicilian schmuck.

The man is a surgeon.

You want me to make him operate on you?

I swear, I don't know.

Dump him at his place, huh?

But take it easy.

He bought it.

He actually believes

me and old man Torelli are banding together.

Beauty part is, nobody knows different.

Not till after the funeral.

Then everybody knows.

Everybody knows Tony Vivaldi

is number one.

You are going to pay.

Oh, are you going to pay.

Are you sure this is the right address?

This don't look like no crack house to me.

What do you want?

Sixty guys dancing on the lawn,

throwing cocaine at each other?

Just kick the door in.

What's up, guys?

- Quiet. This is a drug bust.

- A drug bust?

You must be joking.

My second cousin Frank lives in there.

The only drugs you'll find in there

are aspirin.

And if you touch that front door,

you're going to need them.

Maybe there's been a mistake.

We received an anonymous tip.

Frank? Frank? Frank?

Frank?

- Frank.

- Jack...

Jack, listen to me.

- Who did this?

- Listen to me. This is important.

Tony Vivaldi and the Torelli mob

are joining forces.

I'm out of here.

Frank. Frank!

I'm sorry, Frank.

It's a bomb!

He's okay. Minor wound. Both cops dead.

Two days to retirement.

Nick? Hello?

Nick!

Who the hell are you?

Don't shoot me.

I'm Danny Madigan, I'm a kid.

How did you get here?

I'm not quite sure where "here" is, sir,

but I don't think you want to know.

Okay, close your eyes,

stay flat and don't move.

You're driving with no hands.

You think it's easy?

You have to practice a lot

and never ever do it in heavy traffic.

Iced that guy. To "cone" a phrase.

Wait a minute. The bad puns, the voice,

the hard rock.

This is happening.

This is really happening.

This is not happening.

Repeat, this is not hap...

Oh, no!

I booted. Sorry.

I thought I was going to die.

I'm sorry to disappoint you,

but you're going to live to enjoy

all the glorious fruits life has to offer,

acne, shaving, premature ejaculation

and your first divorce.

Boy, does this suck weenie

or what?

This is a movie set.

This is a movie set.

That's how the scenery changed, right?

You're going to play chicken, aren't you?

Just like Jack Slater.

Fasten your seat belt, please.

Your fingers?

Cross as many as you can.

I'm in the movie.

Holy cow, I'm in the movie!

Nick, Houdini wasn't faking.

Jack, did you see that?

I was just in a real police station

and this is much nicer.

Hey, Slater, it's your ex-wife on two.

You stay. She's always calling me.

Hello, sweetheart, how are you?

It's so nice to hear your voice.

- Oiler, you're partnered up with Waterman.

- Give me a partner, Sarge.

That is right.

Yep. Of course. No, just as you say.

Yep.

Krause, you're teamed up with the rabbi.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- How do you get to Carnegie Hall?

- Practice!

John Practice, you old SOB.

What are you doing away from Washington?

The bureau thinks something strange

is going on between...

And this is top secret...

I know. The Vivaldi mob is joining forces

with the Torellis.

Damn it, Jack, how do you do that?

Well, I'm not parked behind a desk all day

eating those donuts.

Those are government donuts, my friend.

It's not easy work. I got to call DC.

Good for you.

Watch it, Jack. He killed Mozart.

- In a movie?

- Amadeus. It won eight Oscars.

I saved his life in Nam.

I'll make sure to be on the lookout. Thanks.

Now, no more movies!

Slater!

I got the city council chewing my eggs off

for that plane you crashed!

I got the mayor scheduling parades,

up my Lincoln tunnel

for that stunt you pulled on the beach!

Everybody wants to know,

what it is, what it ain't and what it will be!

- Do I make myself clear?

- I'm just doing my job.

You've given this department

the worst reputation in the country.

Now I've got the Chamber of Commerce

doing cartwheels in my cocoa factory.

Radcliff, you're pulling duty

with the animated cat.

Hiya, toots.

- I'm getting a flea bath later. Join me?

- You touch me again, fur ball...

- Wait! I can prove this is a movie.

- Who the hell are you, kid?

Look out there, there's a cartoon cat.

He's supposed to be back on duty.

He was only suspended for a month.

Now, shut up.

Listen to what I'm saying.

An animated cat just walked

into the squad room. Hello.

He'll do it again tomorrow.

So what's your point?

- That cat is one of the best men I got!

- Yeah.

Now who is this twerp?

And why is that smile on his face?

I just love the way you two fight,

knowing how you really feel

about each other.

Pray tell, just how do I feel about

this weird-looking sack of puppy poop?

You're dearest friends.

After your wife left you for the circus midget

and Jack told everyone he drove her to

New England to the diphtheria clinic.

When he came back, you said,

"You saved me from public humiliation,

Jack.

"You're my dearest friend."

- And you promised me you wouldn't tell.

- I didn't.

- Then how did he know?

- Jack Slater I.

- What's winning got to do with this?

- No! The very first Jack Slater.

You told your dad?

I didn't tell anyone.

I don't even know this kid.

Well, he seems to know a lot about us.

No such number. No such name.

The state of New York's never heard of you,

Mr. Madigan.

- What's your real name?

- Danny Madigan.

- Where are you really from?

- 355...

- How did you get in the car?

- I...

I fell off a walk over a bridge.

Slipped into your car.

He saved my life.

Truth at last. Now, why were they after you?

My second cousin Frank

found out some crucial drug information.

I wouldn't put too much faith

into what Vivaldi told him.

- How do you know Frank mentioned Vivaldi?

- I know a lot about what's going on.

Now if you will just listen to me...

All right, son,

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