Last Action Hero Page #3

I've got the perfect listener for you.

- Meet your new partner.

- Oh, no.

Better to die.

You're going to love it, Jack. I mean,

we're perfect buddy-movie material.

I'll teach you to be vulnerable,

you'll teach me to be brave.

Hi. I'm Jack Slater's new partner.

Jack and I will be working together

for the duration of the film.

You know I'm right.

If this was the real world, I mean,

they wouldn't make me your partner.

They'd assign me to a social worker.

Here's one.

Tell me how I know they tortured Frank

and then stashed him behind his front door.

Because I saw it all on screen,

because this is a movie.

You're very clever. And the only reason

why I'm not roaring with laughter

is because someone killed

my favorite second cousin and that's a...

Big mistake.

That is what you were going to say, right?

- Gee, how would I know that?

- No one likes a smart-ass.

Okay. Then shoot me.

That's right. Take your gun,

point it at my head and pull the trigger.

Come on, do it. I double dare you.

You're not going to do it, are you?

And do you know why?

Because people like you

don't kill kids in movies.

Because, believe it or not,

Jack, you're the good guy.

You really believe that we're inside a movie,

don't you?

- Yes!

- All right.

I'll give you 10 minutes to prove it

and then I shoot you.

Slater!

- Quick, where are the Schwarzenegger films?

- Foreign films are in the back.

- No, action. This guy's an action star.

- Down the center on the left.

No. It isn't possible.

What's not possible? He's fantastic.

This is his best performance ever.

- But that was you. You were in that movie.

- You were in a movie?

Yes. It was called The Girl ofMy Dreams.

It starred you.

As a matter of fact,

we had this very romantic scene together.

- What's the phone number of this store?

- 555-2310.

Okay. What's your home number?

That's okay. You can give it to him.

I'm a police officer.

- 555-3812.

- Amazing.

I'm willing to bet

that everyone has a 555 number.

- So?

- So...

There can only be 9,999 numbers

that start with 555.

- How many people live in LA?

- Eight or nine million.

That's why we have area codes.

- Is this your kid?

- This? Oh, no.

This is a mental patient and I'm going to

take him downtown. Come on.

Okay, I got one.

What about this girl right here?

She is way too attractive

to be working at a video store.

I agree with you.

I think she should be working with us.

Undercover, of course.

Look, the point is

there are no unattractive women here.

I mean, where are the ordinary,

every-day women?

- They don't exist, because this is a movie.

- No. This is California.

And by the way, thanks.

I think it was really slick,

the way you got this girl's phone number.

Okay, Mr. Non-believer.

I'll take you to the house

where your cousin Frank was tortured.

I've seen it, on screen.

It's kind of like that one, except it's got to be

on the other side of the road

'cause it's got an ocean view.

Listen, there's something

you don't understand.

This ticket is magic, and it really works.

Any second we're going to drive

right into a theater.

Maybe I need to warm it up first.

Of course. My decoder ring has to warm up,

too. All the time.

Okay, okay. The house looked European.

Like maybe you get a postcard

from Italy or something.

Like that one. In fact, just like that one.

The bad guys are in there.

You know something?

I think you should be wearing this.

- I don't think I've earned it yet.

- You don't understand.

You just solved the entire case.

You just revolutionized

the entire history of police training.

I mean, all these years at the academy,

studying human character,

psyche of the terrorist, fingerprint analysis.

All the courses that I've taken

in surveillance,

hostage negotiation

and criminal psychology...

When all I had to do is just drive around

the neighborhood

and point my finger at the house and say,

"The bad guys are in there."

- You think you're funny, don't you?

- I know I am.

I'm the famous comedian,

Arnold Braunschweiger.

- Schwarzenegger.

- Gesundheit.

May I help you?

Yes. Could I speak to the drug dealer

of the house please?

I beg your pardon?

It's a beautiful day

and we're out killing drug dealers.

Are there any in the house?

Be ready for anything.

- Wait. Where are you going?

- I'll be back.

You didn't know I was going to say that,

did you?

- That's what you always say.

- I do?

Everybody keeps waiting

for you to work it in.

It's kind of like your calling card.

I understand you're interested

in drug dealers.

Yes.

Jack, that's him,

the henchman with the glass eye.

Sir, are you a henchman?

No. I only go as far as lackey.

Will there be anything else?

Yeah. Take off your sunglasses.

- Who's asking?

- The tin man.

- Well, tin man, suppose you hit the bricks.

- No. They're the wrong color.

Are they? Oh, dear. By all means, let's

change them. Would arterial red suit you?

Make no mistake.

They are exceptionally well-trained.

I snap my fingers again,

and some time tomorrow

you emerge from several canine recta.

Or you and Toto can go back to

the land of Oz.

- Questions?

- Yeah.

Two of them.

Why am I wasting time

on a dime store putz like you

when I could be doing something

much more dangerous?

Like rearranging my sock drawers.

And two, how exactly are you going to

snap your fingers

after I rip off both of your thumbs?

Have a nice day.

He had one with a bull's-eye

when he was with your second cousin.

He hates his boss.

He calls him a Sicilian schmuck.

How did Slater find out? Will you tell me?

I want him to join me, but he's nuts.

He keeps going after the bad guys.

Where is it written I'm a bad guy?

Find out who talked and have him killed.

Then, Slater.

Hey. Hey!

What's with you?

We should change

the funeral arrangements.

Are you crazy?

When I say bloodbath, there is

- a bloodbath.

- A bloodbath.

I'm going to find out more

about Slater's short friend.

Come on, Jack.

That guy has got to be guilty of something.

Yeah. He's guilty of acting like an a**hole.

If I arrest him,

I have to arrest half of Congress.

Why did we park back there?

In case my ex-wife is around.

Don't worry, she's not.

Her name wasn't in the credits.

Kid, who does the doctor treat?

Patients.

Look at the elbow of my jacket.

What is it doing?

- Wearing thin?

- Bingo.

Geez, that was a stretch.

Wow! Is this

what you drive on the weekends?

No, this is my little girl's car.

Come on. Knock on the door.

I told you, your ex-wife's not home.

Her name wasn't in the credits.

Meredith?

I hope you mean Whitney.

Sorry. Whitney.

You're not Skeezy, are you?

Daddy! Oh, my God.

- Daddy!

- You've gained some weight.

Hi. I'm Danny Madigan

and I realize I haven't had that long of a life,

but I just want you to know that

from now on, it's all going to be downhill.

- Hello, sweetheart, you look wonderful.

- Thank you.

So, who's your friend? He's cute.

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