Last Action Hero Page #4

No, he's not cute, he's hopelessly insane.

Very soon he's gonna tell you

he loved you in Gone with the Wind.

- This is her first movie.

- You see?

- Now who is Skeezy?

- It's just a sorority thing, Dad. What they do

is they assign you a freshman, and

when he comes to the door, you kiss him.

- Do you have to kiss him?

- Dad, would you come on?

Okay, would you grab the phone

and if it's for me, I'll be out of the shower

in less than one hour for sure.

What a cutie.

It's old evidence. Counterfeit case.

Looks real, doesn't it?

Turns funny colors when you burn it.

Try using it for alimony.

What's wrong?

You don't happen to have a cigar, do you?

"I'll be back." I know, I know.

Dad! Dad!

He would have been your age.

I know.

The Ripper killed him three years ago.

Pulled him down off the roof.

Your dad saw everything.

How did you know all that?

Your pop gets in the papers a lot.

I'm interested in crime stories.

- That's Skeezy.

- I'll get rid of him.

Hello, Toto.

There, there, and there.

No! Let go of me! Let go of me!

- Stop it!

- Evening. Uncle Jack around?

Mr. Slater's off tracking a lead somewhere.

Joey, would you teach her

the virtue of silence?

- Right.

- Benedict.

- If you harm a hair on her head...

- Stop!

Go away! Stop it! No!

You were saying?

Now, I believe

it was Sherlock Holmes who said

that if you eliminate

all the logical solutions to a problem,

the illogical, however impossible,

is invariably true.

You see, I know

that your name is Daniel Madigan.

What I don't understand

is how you know mine.

Slater showed me some mug shots.

We made your face easy.

Daniel Madigan from New York City.

Awfully long way away from home,

aren't you? When did you get here?

Just.

And how do you know

what I said on Vivaldi's terrace?

I heard a recording.

Microphones in the statues, are there?

You wouldn't believe how many.

And the eye I was wearing?

I saw it. I saw it in a movie.

There are micro cameras in the statues.

I should tell you that I have killed people

smarter and younger than you.

Look, whatever this is,

it's between you and Slater.

There's some money in the desk.

Take it and leave me and Meredith...

Whitney alone.

Holy sh*t, boss.

It looks like 2K in here.

Just a minute.

Give it to me.

These bills are marked, aren't they?

You were trying to sucker me

with marked bills, weren't you?

Burn it.

- Burn it?

- Yes, burn it.

Don't play games with grownups, little boy.

You'll get hurt.

Stop it! Stop it! Oh, God.

Big mistake.

It's great, isn't it?

Now, we'll hurt you just a little bit,

but you'll...

Freeze!

Lose the guns or I redecorate

in brain-matter gray, got it?

Yes!

You kill me and I'll kill him.

Leave it. Get the door.

Boss?

Hi.

Don't give up your day job.

Jack!

Don't leave home without it.

Go!

Where are you going?

Got to catch the red-eye.

I don't believe this. I'm in the movie, and...

I'm in the movie,

and I'm missing the best action!

Punch it. Let's get the hell out of here.

Go back up to the top!

Next time, we get thicker armor.

Like a tank.

Chicken, it is.

This is gonna work. It's a movie.

I'm a good guy. This has got to work!

I'm a comedy sidekick.

Oh, sh*t! I'm a comedy sidekick!

It's not gonna work!

Well, I think I scared him pretty good.

You did great. Come on.

- Benedict's got the ticket.

- That's too bad.

I wanted it for my collection.

I told you, Blanche isn't here.

She won't be back for two hours.

I know. I'm gonna wait for her.

It is a shame. It's so romantic.

Well, I'll never get any work done

if I stay here and think about that.

I'll run with Jane to the store.

What a shame. Two tickets to Hawaii.

Oh, I've gotta get her a husband.

Maybe Blanche can help out.

We'll be right back

after this commercial announcement.

You know, if you're looking

for a new or used car, see me first.

Give me first crack at the deal.

I'll beat anybody else's deal.

I'd gargle anti-freeze

to beat anybody else's deal.

So see me first, give me first shot.

Now here's a nice car.

Seventy-three, this is a Landau,

top power steering, power brakes,

air conditioning. $999.

If you're looking for trucks, we got trucks.

We got all kinds of trucks. '79 pickup, $2,999.

Here's another one. This is a Long Bed.

This is $3,999. Can't beat that.

Give me first shot...

You're traveling

through another dimension.

My name is Skeezy. S-K-E-E-Z-Y, sir.

S-K-E...No I-E. Thank you.

Say this.

Hey, grow up.

Just say this one word.

Is this another one of your movie proofs?

Maybe.

Kid, I don't want to say it.

Say what?

You can't. You can't possibly say it

because this movie is PG-13. Admit it.

Officer Slater,

the guy with the missing eye,

I saw his license plate.

Well, good for you.

- You mean the guy with the glass eye?

- No.

When he was running for the car,

it was missing.

It's got words.

"Vengeance is..."

Don't touch!

You flipped up on all of it!

God damn it, that's all I can take from you!

I got the California Raisin Counsel doing

an all-male version

of The Diary of Anne Frank,

doing an all-male version

in my fuzzy slipper!

Tiny Tim is tiptoeing through the tulips!

- Did you catch that?

- You ball-peen jack-a-menace.

I slurped about all the cock-sucking toast

I can take from you!

You know you...

I think some of it's English.

Well, see if this is clear enough!

Give me your badge!

And this time, you won't get it back.

Wohlschlager, you're partnered up

with the black-and-white digitalization

of Humphrey Bogart.

What, are you making some changes?

Come on, why don't you come

and work the funeral with me, anyway?

I mean, I don't know, I wouldn't miss

this one. I hear Torelli spent a bundle.

He's got a damn helicopter

circling the building.

A rooftop funeral service in Long Beach.

How's that for taste?

Who died?

Leo the Fart was shot yesterday.

Somebody was trying for Torelli and missed.

Leo was tough.

He could do everything

but sneak up on you.

Look, look, if you change your mind,

I'll be in front of the hotel.

- Where are we, anyway?

- Home.

Geez!

How did you know there was a guy in there?

There's always a guy in there.

Costs me a fortune in closet doors.

Right. Like in Slater, Part Il:

The Sagittarius Strangler.

Yeah, in a few seconds,

you're gonna meet the Madigan strangler.

I just got fired.

What you find so entertaining

happens to be my life.

Now I'm not even a cop anymore.

You'll get your badge back.

He was just pulling rank because you

destroyed more of the city than usual.

Jack, you're not just my hero,

you're everybody's hero.

And it will all be okay again. Trust me.

No, Danny. It's getting harder.

I never started out

to be anything but a decent cop,

but I kept getting involved

in these crazy adventures.

But the craziest part is, I kept surviving.

Jack, these are the sequels.

They gotta get harder.

But look on the good side.

I mean, you've got a great daughter.

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