Last Action Hero Page #5

And your ex-wife wouldn't keep calling if

somewhere deep down

she didn't want you back.

Danny, do you think I would marry

someone so stupid

that doesn't know

the real voice from a taped one?

I pay a cashier at the drugstore

to call me every so often at the station

so the guys think I have a private life.

My ex-wife, she's happily remarried.

She never calls.

And Whitney.

Why can she not be like

every other teenager?

On prom night, she stays home

and field strips an AK-47.

She's going to die a young maid. I know it.

I'm going to buy it soon, too.

No way.

You can't die till the grosses go down.

That guy Vivaldi,

I heard him say something

was going to happen at a funeral.

Now this Leo the Fart is going to have one.

Maybe we should look into that.

Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say.

Jack, it's a funeral for a guy named Fart.

Hello?

Funeral?

Check this out.

Someone tried to kill old man Torelli, right?

Missed and shot Leo the Fart by mistake.

- Right.

- Wrong.

Who took the shot? Was it Benedict?

Most likely.

Would he miss? No way.

Unless he wanted to miss.

You're saying he meant to miss?

Why?

Because, amigo,

Leo the Fart was very, very fat.

- Get it?

- No, I don't.

They broke in last night.

They cut Leo open like a turkey,

stuffed him with TNT,

he goes off at the funeral

and takes out the entire Torelli mob,

all at once.

Vivaldi owns the town.

That's what all this has been about.

Vivaldi's going to blow up that funeral.

No. No. It wouldn't just be a bomb.

I mean, we've already had

a dozen explosions in this movie.

Danny, don't start that again.

- Nerve gas!

- What are you talking about?

Three canisters of nerve gas were stolen

from military trucks the night before last.

They could have stuffed those inside him.

And you know what that means, don't you?

Leo the Fart is going to pass gas

one more time.

Mr. Torelli,

I hope it's all right with you I am here.

- I don't want to be no fourth wheel.

- Nonsense, Antonio...

Fifth wheel.

That's nice. Thank you, thank you.

Did you hear that, Benedict?

Family.

Go pay your respects, huh?

- Stay in the car.

- No way. I'm coming with you.

Kid, let's say this is a movie.

How many times have you heard someone

say, "Stay in the car" and the guy doesn't?

What happens?

- He saves the day.

- Or gets killed.

Good point. I'll stay in the car.

Wait a minute! What if staying in the car

is what gets me killed?

There's a gun in the glove compartment.

- Practice!

- Makes perfect.

- You decided to join me, huh?

- The Fart is a bomb.

They're going to take out the whole

Torelli mob. We've got to stop it.

That explains the break-in at the mortuary.

Geez, that's brilliant.

Come on.

We'll use the service entrance in back.

- Who are you working for, John?

- What do you mean?

We both know

there's no side entrance to this hotel.

Sorry, Jack.

I didn't want it to go down this way.

Danny told me not to trust you.

He said you killed Moe Zart.

- Moe, who?

- Zart.

I kill a lot of people.

I can't remember half of them.

How do you get to Carnegie Hall?

In a body bag, if you don't drop that.

That's doubtful, kid.

Real doubtful.

Thanks for the fingerprints, kid.

You're about to murder Jack Slater.

Here. Chain yourself to that pipe.

See, Jack, these drug guys, they got

more money than the U.S. Government.

So you cut a deal

with a Sicilian scumbag like Vivaldi.

Right you are.

You see, Vivaldi made up with Torelli,

but it was a phony.

He's going to destroy him.

So, in exchange for letting him alone,

he gives me a profit percentage.

I'll be rich, Jack.

- You'll be dead, but...

- Freeze!

Toss me the cuffs.

Man, are you an idiot!

You made the classic movie mistake.

Don't explain so much.

You had to get in those last few words.

I mean, if you had just fired,

you would have won.

But, no, you're the typical villain. Dumb.

You ain't no genius yourself, kid.

- The Fart goes off in seven minutes.

- Get my car.

Move it.

Well, I'd love to stay and watch the fun,

but I have to go and establish my alibi.

So, is this the day

you were talking about saving?

- I don't see you doing anything.

- I wouldn't want to steal your thunder.

No, no, no.

You stay here and make sure

everything goes on as planned.

You had Slater in front of the eight ball

before, but you always screwed it up.

All right. Let's go.

It's behind the eight ball, you moron.

Somebody once told me I talk too much.

No more words.

Whiskers! Where the hell have you been?

Sorry, Jack. Fur ball problem.

Seal off the area. There's a possible

chemical explosion in five minutes.

- Thanks, Whiskers. I owe you one.

- Forget it. You saved my fur plenty of times.

You see the hook of that crane?

I want it on top of the roof

in two minutes. Go.

Wait. How do I get them to do that?

You got to help me move that crane!

You got to help me!

- I got to get that crane to the roof.

- Sh*t.

Hey, wait a minute!

You got to work this thing!

I don't even know how to drive.

- Pardon me. Excuse me.

- Hey!

Pardon me.

He was a good man. A flatulent man.

Do you hear this?

Help me. Get me out of here.

My God! This man's not dead!

Get out of the way! This man needs a doctor!

Out of my way.

- This man needs a doctor!

- I'm a doctor.

- You're a doctor?

- Yes.

Check his chin.

The doctor has fainted.

Can somebody help this man here?

I'll take the corpse... I mean, the patient.

Look, an elephant.

Hold it! Don't shoot! He'll drop Leo!

Don't shoot!

Oh, sh*t!

Watch out!

It's a no-fly zone, fella.

Sh*t!

Danny! He's ticking!

Move the crane as fast as you can!

Danny! Stop the crane now! Stop it!

Drop! Go! Go! Go! Go! Damn you! Go!

Gas bag, drop! Damn you! Drop!

Drop! Gas bag, drop!

Get out of here! Everybody out!

Silent, but deadly.

Bring the car around.

Can't. The helicopter landed on it.

I hate when that happens.

You know, tar actually

sticks to some people.

Hey, Dad! I heard you were here.

I thought you could use some clothes.

- Thanks, honey.

- Wait a minute.

No one finds this a little convenient?

Hey, kid, you always said

this is a movie, didn't you?

How did it go?

Hey! How did it go?

Come on. I'm dying out here.

How was it? I want to know how it went.

Come on, move your butt.

How did it went?

Splendid.

What?

- It went splendidly!

- Wait, wait a minute. I can't hear you.

I don't want to miss a thing.

Come here. Come here.

- Hey, Benedict, get your stuff.

- Yes.

- Was it beautiful?

- Perfect in every detail.

And the gas tanks. Poof! Were they okay?

Like clockwork.

You should have been there.

Men, women and children dropping

left and right, writhing and screaming.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait. Wait a minute.

I want to enjoy it all.

Go on, go on. Tell me, tell me.

They were writhing and screaming and

leaping to their doom to escape the pain.

- Really? Really?

- No, not really. I'm lying.

It was a complete and utter balls-up

and I've had a terrible day,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes