Last Holiday

- This way, please.

- But -

Oh, what's the use?

Sorry.

All right.

- Who's next?

- Mr. Bird.

Bird? Bird, Bird, Bird, Bird.

Oh, yes, yes.

This is interesting.

Mm-hmm.

There you are.

Genuine case of Lampington's disease.

Delayed, but now moving

into the acute stage.

Very rare, always fatal.

- Had X-rays taken?

- Oh, yes.

So have I. Wonderful what

they can do now, isn't it?

Do anything -

except get you enough to eat.

- Bird. George Bird?

- Oh, that's me.

Ah, Sit down,

- You married, Mr. Bird?

- No. Never have been.

Living with any close relation?

Mother or sister?

No, I haven't any close relations.

Just live in digs here.

- Oh. Some girlfriend perhaps?

- Not now,

Any special friend?

Some - Some old pal.

No. I had a great pal once,

but he went to Africa.

Lonely sort of chap,

aren't you, Mr, Bird?

Looks like it, doesn't it?

But what's all this about?

Well, Mr. Bird...

according to this X-ray...

you're suffering from

a very rare complaint...

known as Lampington's disease.

Come over here a moment.

Now then. Have a look at that.

What does it do to you, this -

Lampington's disease?

Ah, now, that's very interesting,

and it's a curious thing...

that nobody spotted it

until about 40 years ago...

when Trevor Lampington

wrote a monograph on it.

You see, between the stomach

and the small intestine, there's a -

I'm sorry, Doctor, but is it serious?

You want the honest truth,

don't you, Mr. Bird?

- Yes, Doctor.

- Well, it is serious, Very serious indeed,

Lampington's disease

has always proved fatal.

No pain, as a rule, you'll be glad to learn.

An acute case soon passes

into a coma, and-and then-

But I feel all right now, Doctor.

In fact, my landlady says

it must have been the fish.

It isn't what you feel, my dear chap,

It's what this X-ray tells us,

Couldn't be wrong, I suppose?

I'm sorry. I - I'm very sorry.

Afraid you'll have to prepare yourself,

May be a few weeks,

Just possibly might be

a few months...

but that's the limit,

And then? Finish?

What's your occupation, Mr. Bird?

I'm a salesman for the Chanbury

Agricultural Implement Company.

Saved any money?

About 300 or so.

And then I've an insurance policy.

I suppose the surrender

value'll be about 500.

Well, if I were in your place,

I'd take that 800...

walk out of me job

and go to Bournemouth or...

Torquay or Pinebourne...

find a good hotel

and enjoy myself while I could.

Now, don't forget.

There shouldn't be any pain.

Just a sort of numbness at first,

and then a coma and - and then -

You said that before.

Well -

- Thanks very much.

- Not at all. Stiff upper lip.

- Feels all right so far.

- No, no. I meant keep smiling.

How do you keep smiling

with a stiff upper lip?

I'm so sorry, Mr. Bird.

Don't mention it.

When you come to think of it,

you know, it's a bit thick, isn't it?

Couldn't agree with you more,

I mean to say... it's going to be all over

before I've even got properly started.

Don't lean against the window.

Well, Bird, you ought to have been

over at Binnisford today.

- I had to go to the clinic, Mr. Dinsdale.

- Now don't go fancying you're ill.

- All right. I won't.

- Well, off you go then. Off you go. Don't waste time.

- I am going, Mr. Dinsdale.

- Well, go on, then. Go.

But I'm going for good.

Here. Bird, don't be foolish.

I know the last time you asked me

for a rise I couldn't manage it.

No. Business wouldn't stand it,

you said.

Well, we won't quarrel

about a few pounds.

Not now, we won't.

Look, Bird. I'll -

I'll raise you to 400.

- 450.

- No use.

- 500.

- No go. Too late.

Remember that with the next chap.

Don't leave it too late, Dinsdale.

- Well, so long.

- Ah, but where are you going?

I don't know yet, but wherever it is,

I shan't be trying to sell anybody anything.

Don't go, Bird.

Listen. I'll make it 550. 600!

altogether, I think.

The bank will be glad to advise

about any investment.

I'm not going to invest it.

I'm going to spend it.

- Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.

- Oh, yes, you would. Even you.

Now, look.

Have you a branch in, um, Pinebourne?

Pinebourne? Oh, yes. Yes.

We can accommodate you in Pinebourne.

Oh, yes, any amount

of accommodation in Pinebourne,

What, uh, class of hotel had you in mind?

Well, what do you think?

Oh, something very reasonable,

I suppose.

- Pinebourne's rather exclusive, you know.

- Oh, is it?

Oh, yes. In fact, it's very exclusive.

- Why, what do they do there?

Meet you at the station and tell you to go back?

Hmm. The Regal Hotel.

- No. That's not what you want.

- Why? What's the matter with it?

The Regal? Well, although it's rather small,

it's very expensive. Select, you know.

Well, it can select me for a change.

Just you book me a single room

at this Regal from tomorrow, please.

And I'd better have

a railway ticket as well.

Certainly. Return, of course?

One-way.

One moment, sir.

Just one moment.

It's important. You are just

the man I've been looking for.

- What, me?

- Yes, sir.

And believe me,

it's a wonderful opportunity.

Won't take half a minute to explain.

Come inside, sir.

Come inside, please.

Mind the step, please.

What's the idea?

You know about that big sale

at Lord Fristover's place the other day?

Well, I went...

and was lucky enough to get some of

his late lordship's clothes and suitcases.

What do you expect me to do, cheer?

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

You are not on my side yet, are you?

Not specially. No.

You will be,

because it's lovely stuff.

Savile Row.

Cost a fortune now.

And I've been looking out for somebody

it would fit, and you are him.

That's why I called you in.

Try one of the jackets on.

Just try it. That's all.

All right.

But I'm only doing it to amuse you.

Mm-hmm.

Wonderful.

Beautiful.

Perfect.

Don't take my word for it.

Have a look at yourself.

Over there.

See what I mean?

Best tailoring in London -

in the world.

Wear two or three suits like this

and a dinner jacket...

and you're going to

look like somebody.

- You'll begin to live.

- A bit late.

But I see what you mean.

- Let's have a look at the rest of that stuff.

- Certainly.

Thirty-five, five, less three,

Three, four, five, six,

Sixty-five pounds, 16 shillings.

Uh, do you know what I'll do for you?

I'll throw this other case in.

And that's because I've taken

a fancy to you and enjoyed myself.

Well, what do you say?

- Sixty-five, eh?

- I believe I'm balmy, but all right.

Sixty-five pounds,

and I take this lot and both cases.

That's it. Now...

believe it or not, but I have done you

a big favor this afternoon...

and I want you to promise

to do me a little favor.

- Will you?

- I don't know. I might.

- Come on. Come on.

- All right. I will.

Take that mustache off.

Doesn't go with this class of stuff.

Make a nice all-round job of it.

Just to please me,

have a neat little hair trim...

and get that mustache off.

- Will it give me a stiff upper lip?

- Hmm, for an hour or two.

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