Latter Days Page #2

That c*nt? She made Julie take

my table, because she thought

I hadn't bathed recently. Like she

should talk. Did you see her eat?

Yeah, did you check out her legs?

Now I know why they call them calves.

I bet after sex, she smokes a ham

Darling, give me a glass of Cuvet

I do hope we're not speaking disparagingly

about our clientele

Gossip is so ignoble.

Especially regarding those less

fortunate. Less fortunate? That b*tch?!

You know something... tell.

No, I would never tell tales, such as

with the frequency she does it

the poor child must think that binging

and purging are aerobic excercise.

She hardly looks bulimic. Yes, if

I were a different sort, I'd suggest

a little more of the purging,

a little less of the binging.

But I would never say such things.

For gossip is the lowest form of discourse.

You should avoid it

if at all possible.

Hear, hear. I shall be in the office,

cooking the books, if anybody needs me.

Oh, and Ben called. He

seemed kind of insistent.

Do you suppose Lila is

hiding a boyfriend from us?

F***ing skank... that's not a tip, that's an indictment.

Take it sound, J. Christ, who pissed in your Cheerios?

Some A and R guy. She has drinks with

this guy so he'll listen to her demo

and now she fears for her virtue. Hey!

He's totally cute. I bust my ass making a great demo,

I can't get anyone to listen to it till this guy

who so obviously just wanted to f*** me.

Poor baby. I thought he was cute.

What, you would have sex to help your career?

Honey, I'd blown a guy just to get him out of my apartment.

Sex for my career would be noble.

Ben, I'm not ready to make that kind of decision yet.

I have to go. OK, I'll call.

Here's Andrew's wine order.

Thank you.

Is there something else? Everyone thinks Ben is your boyfriend,

but he's not, he's a doctor, isn't he?

Is everything OK? Young man, I will not

be the subject of gossip in my own establishment.

Sorry.

And that's how, through Joseph Smith,

God restored the true church of Jesus Christ to the earth.

Have any questions?

How come if God talks to Joseph Smith, he's a prophet

but if God talks to me, I'm schizophrenic?

Ah, well, he was sort of special.

What's the Mormon church's stand on black people?

That's a good question. African American members

have been allowed to hold the priesthood since 1978.

Since disco. And women?

Women don't get to hold the priesthood, what they get

is to be wives and to be mothers and share in its blessings.

Oh, sharing. See, sharing is good. Christian here was wondering

what is your church's stand on gay rights.

Um well... There's no such thing.

'Gay' and 'right' don't belong in the same sentence.

Oh, but 'right' and 'rightwing' go hand-in-hand?

Yeah, God hates homos.

You're gonna come into my house and tell me

God hates homosexuals?

And the French!

God hates the French?

Everybody hates the French.

Just push the orange button. Oh, you are such a sweetheart

for doing that, thank you. You're welcome.

Ma, you're flashing the whole terminal. I can't help it.

If I don't they are gonna end up around my knees.

Oh, I'm losing the only other sane one around here.

I think this belong to you now, son. Do us proud.

Yes sir, I will.

You know, you have yourself a real safe trip, OK?

Oh, for crying out loud, I wasn't gonna do this.

Ma, you promised. If you start, I will.

I know, but I can't help it, because you're my baby, you know.

And you always will be.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Look, if there's a problem, I could come back.

Look, maybe I'm just homesick.

Homesick? For Idaho?

Okay, fine.. I'm sorry. That came out wrong.

It's just.. When I left home... I zoomed like a rocket here.

But if you've never been away from home before.. Have you?

What? I've been away from home. Just, not for two whole years.

Could be worse, could be raining.

That's 'Young Frankenstein'. Yeah.

So two years, huh? Yeah.

We're not allowed to call or go home in the holidays,

and they're not allowed to visit.

Wow, where do I sign up?

Hey, I happen to like my family.

After all, a boy's best

friend is his mother.

'Psycho'! That's 'Psycho', right?

She goes a bit mad sometimes..

We all go a bit mad sometimes.

At least you got your

friends here, right?

What, Ryder? No, we just got assigned

to each other a few weeks ago.

Oh. Well, better you than me.

Kind of a funny coincidence, all you guys

being named Elmer, huh? -Elmer?!

You think I'm an Elmer? -Well, you're not?

No, doofus! It's Elder. It's a title. Elder..

Oh, that's a good thing. Somebody naming you Elmer,

it's just mean. What's your first name, then?

We're not allowed to use them. What? Why not?

We're not allowed to do a lot of things.

It's Aaron.

Aaron. I like that.

You're gonna sort through those, right?

Colours and whites don't mix, Aaron. OK, thanks.

Oh wait, you've never done your laundry before either, have you?

Well, maybe I've just never done everybody's.

That's what I have to do, 'cos I'm

a greeny. The new guy, you know.

So I have to do everyone's laundry,

in accordance with prophecy.

Really? Psyche'!

Dude, you're way too easy. That's what I've heard.

Well, thanks for the laundry tips.

Geez, Elder.

You're a thousand miles away over here

How you doing, Green? Good.

Yeah, you sure? Yeah.

You know, when I was a Green, it was really tough.

I used to pray that I would die during the night

so I wouldn't have to wake up to another day of this.

You're joking me, right?

I couldn't take going back to the family, you know,

Salt Lake and all. I had two of the general authorities

at my missionary farewell. You know what's that like,

your dad is a state president, right?

They set this thing up to be difficult, OK?

We can't listen to music, we can't watch movies,

we're never supposed to be alone.

I mean, what, we're 19, 20 years old,

and we're not even allowed to beat off.

Some nights I wake up and I find teeth marks

on my head board.

Look, I put my time in here so that I can go home,

so I could marry Jennifer, so that I can finally nail her.

See? It's amazing what we'll do for sex.

I know you did! I did not, I promise you.

Yes you did! I cross my heart. Oh, that means something.

Hey, we'd like to play here.

Yeah, we're playing here.

You're just farting around.

How vivid. We're playing, see?

Bounce the ball, bounce the ball.

No, you're just jerking us around.

There's one afternoon a week

where I can just be normal

and play some hoop, and you have

to come and get all ignorant about it?

Oh, listen to that, Julie. I didn't think Mormons liked whine?

I didn't know fairies liked sports.

Fairies? Oh, how seventh grade.

Why don't we just play two on two?

But you're.. A girl, so I can't play?

But then I am black, so maybe I can.

Your only problem is deciding which one of your

narrow-minded stereotypes can kick your

lilly white ass.

Which one will it be? Black girl... and a fag?

We'll mop you like a dirty floor.

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