Laughter in Paradise Page #2

consider this sort of thing... art.

Well, if you ask me, I think she's a...

But I didn't ask you, Miss Wilcott!

Now, shall we proceed?

A convulsive tremor shook her slender frame...

...and Petal moaned...

Petal moaned...

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...

Hello, Deniston Russel here.

What... a telegram?

Yes, yes... I'll take it.

Just a moment...

Yes...

Thank you... thank you very much.

Well, well, well!

Cousin Henry's dead...

Murdered?!

No, no, no, no... very peaceful.

Henry... he seems to have left me

a lot of money.

What?... good!

Good?... No... I was very fond of cousin Henry.

He was a remarkable man.

He was rich... he was very rich...

Well at least this ought to put an end to my

having to write this sort of stuff.

Goodbye to "Blood Lust"!

Goodbye to Mervyn Somesby

and Jeremy St Clair!

And Gloria Trabshaw!

Capt. Russell!... You wouldn't give up writing

just because you got a bit of money!?

Well, it would be a crime... you couldn't!

No, no... of course not, Miss Wilcott...

but don't you see now...

Now I can afford to write

under my own name

But good books... great books!

Yes... books that will live.

As you all know, our old friend Henry

scorned the use of a solicitor

in drawing up of his last will and testament...

So he called upon me, his oldest

and dearest friend, to help him.

It was a melancholy occasion.

- Because he knew that his...

- End...

Thank you.

He knew that his end was near.

With your permission,

I'll omit the preliminaries...

and merely read the essential...

- points.

Items.

Good idea... let's hear how much we get.

To each of you he has left the sum of 50,000.

But before you become

entitled to this money,

there are certain tasks

of a somewhat unusual nature

which must be carried out

by each of you.

I might have known it.

These tasks must be carried out

to the letter.

And may not be divulged, under any circumstances,

to anybody outside this room.

And each of you must take a solemn oath

to that effect.

Well, what are these ridiculous provisions?

I will now proceed to read them.

My sister, Agnes Russell...

who for many years has made life a purgatory

for those who she considers her inferiors...

shall, for a period of not less

than one calendar month...

and within one week

of the reading of this will...

obtain a post as a domestic servant

in a middle class home.

How dare he!

Should she for any reason whatsoever

be dismissed, or resign from this post...

before the end of this month

she shall forfeit her share in my fortune.

I shall contest the will!

I forgot to add, that if any one of you

contests the will...

the whole fortune for all of you

will be forfeited.

In that case, cousin Agnes

will not contest the will.

My second cousin, Capt. Deniston Russel

Royal Army Pay Corps, Retired...

whose hideous secret

I must now reveal to you...

has become a writer of penny-dreadfuls

in the worst possible taste and style.

How on earth did he find out?

You... a writer?!

And in the worst possible taste, too!

Are they a bit...?

Certainly not!

The gallant captain shall spend not less

and not more than 28 days...

in one of His Majesty's London prisons...

having been properly sentenced

for a genuine crime...

committed by himself within one week

of the reading of this will.

Should he fail in this endeavour,

he shall forfeit his share of my fortune.

Crime!?

Prison?

Oh, but I'm to be married in a fortnight.

And to the daughter of a magistrate.

Now, perhaps you'll marry her in prison!

My fourth cousin twice removed, Herbert Russell,

who has surely failed in the banking world

owing to his determination to be bullied...

shall with the aid of a mask and a toy pistol...

hold up his current bank manager in his own office...

in the manner of one of his cousin

Deniston's fictional gangsters.

And will force him to hand over

the keys of the bank

Should he fail, or be unmasked or overpowered

before 2 minutes are up...

his share of the fortune will be forfeited.

But... how could I?

How could he...?

It's impossible.

Not even a real gangster would dare

to point a gun at Mr Wagstaffe.

Or point anything at Mr Wagstaffe.

My first cousin, Simon Russell...

who has gone through life at the expense

of others' hearts and pockets...

shall marry the first unmarried woman

to whom he speaks after the reading of this will...

of no matter what age.

Should his well-known charm fail

to persuade the lady to marry him...

his share of my fortune shall be forfeited.

Easy!

I always knew he liked me best!

Thanks, cousin Henry!

Listen... we'll all plan together

and contest the will.

You can tell cousin Agnes that she's

the last woman I shall speak to first.

What's he grumbling about anyway?

Nobody in their right mind would sack a servant,

with the present shortage.

After all, 50,000 quid is 50,000 quid!

Before we come to the taking

of the solemn oath...

there is one small formality

to be carried out.

We must all rise... rise!

ALL rise!

Come along... upsadaisy!

This way...

And drink a toast to our

beloved benefactor.

By singing a verse of that popular melody

"For He's a Jolly Good... "

- "Fella"?

- Exactly.

Here's to our benefactor...

Raise your glasses!

Raise your glasses!

And sing with me

For he's a jolly good fellow

And so say all of us

For he's a jolly good fellow

And so say all of us.

Now drink to our dear departed.

Ask cousin Agnes if I can give her a lift

to the nearest employment exchange.

No?

How about you, Herbert

Can I drop you at the gunsmith?

What for?

You can't hold up a bank

with a fountain pen.

I know... I'm going to get that

at a toy shop.

That's the least of my worries.

It's where I'm going to find the courage

that's puzzling me.

Look, Herbert... there's a little work of mine

called "The Bank Bandit"...

It might give you a few pointers...

I'll be glad to put in the post for you.

Oh, thank you!

Well, hop in both of you!

No... I think I'll get my bus at the corner.

Goodbye.

Come on, Den old boy...

I'll buy you a snifter.

How on earth do you afford

a vehicle like this?

I don't. old boy...

got it on appro.

You keep it a week, then send it back...

say you don't want it.

Give you the address,

if you want to try.

Two more large whiskies, please George.

Cheer up old boy...

It's only a matter of time!

Everything seemed so rosy this morning.

The hope of money to come...

marriage in a fortnight.

And now, instead of

a honeymoon in Harrogate...

Prison in Pentonville.

I fear I shall lose my Elizabeth.

Nonsense!... She'll stand by you

if she's a good scout.

Elizabeth is an officer and a lady.

Well just tell her

it's worth 50,000 smackers

and I'm sure she'll be delighted

with the whole affair.

I would remind you Russell that we have

both taken a most solemn oath

not to divulge the contents of the will.

Yes, so we have.

Look here... if she does kip with a bird...

what about palming her off on me?

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