Laura Lansing Slept Here

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1

We are talking with the

legendary author, uhm,

authoress, which do you

prefer author or authoress?

I really don't see what sex

has to do with it, do you?

(laughing)

With the legendary

writer, Ms. Laura Lansing.

(applauding)

Ms. Lansing's latest novel

is called Penthouse Paradise.

Now this is actually your

second novel with the word

penthouse in the title,

do you like penthouses?

Well I sure do.

I live in one, I think everyone should.

It gives one a perspective

on life, the spirit soars.

(majestic music)

Okay kids.

Dinner.

Move!

Come on!

It's time honey.

Oh Junior shut that thing off.

Come on Malcolm.

I said shut that thing off.

I wanna watch the cartoon.

[Mom] Well you can watch it in here.

Where's Dad?

He's gonna be late again.

I'm not hungry.

I got hot dogs.

I'm here Janet.

Yes Ms. Whimms.

(bell dinging)

[Doris] Hello Larry.

Hello.

I know, I'm a bit early.

Oh that's all right, she's

had her run and her swim.

She's on the telephone of course.

I'll be as quiet as mouse.

(speaking foreign language)

Want any coffee?

I'd love it.

Oh that hat, I love that hat.

(speaking foreign language)

You're not due today, you're due tomorrow.

I know dear, but uh,

there was some urgency.

What about it?

About the new book.

Sit down, if you sit in that chair

and push that little button

you'll get a massage.

Oh, a lower back would be nice.

Oh I've had such pain.

[Laura] Push lower back.

Ah...

What about the new book?

[Larry] Well Laura dear,

I'm afraid I have some rather

unpleasant news.

Oh?

I hardly know to say it.

[Laura] Oh just say it.

Well the fact is, Willburn

and Frederick don't want it.

Don't want it, what do you mean?

Don't want it?

[Larry] Look how do I turn this off.

I'll turn you off.

What do you mean Willburn

and Frederick don't want it?

They've published me since I was a child.

I made millions for them.

Darling you were a

sensation in your 20s.

A household word in your 40s.

An institution in your 60s.

But in your...

Watch it!

Why don't they want it?

Now Laura dear, you

mustn't get yourself...

Doris call Barbara Walters.

Tell her I can't possibly

lunch with her today,

tell her I'm dead.

God knows I may be by lunchtime.

[Doris] What's wrong?

What's wrong, I'm chopped liver.

I'm down the drain, I'm

out with the garbage.

You'll feel better after your rubdown.

Why?

Well they seem to

feel you've lost touch.

Lost touch?

With what?

With the real people, normal people.

Well they feel you don't know them.

What they're like, how do they live.

What do you mean real

people, look at today,

Barbara Walters, Clint

Eastwood, Jackie Onassis,

a little late supper with Calvin Klein.

Just folks.

[Larry] Whose folks?

My folks.

Penthouse Paradise isn't selling.

Who says?

Laura, it is not selling.

I know this isn't proper

agent talk, but you are

of a certain age.

Watch that.

Well now I'm sorry darling,

but you've plenty of money.

And I've been wondering if

you've ever given any thought

to well, closing shop.

Closing shop?

Yes dear, take life easy.

You mean not work, not write?

That's death!

Don't worry Larry, if poor

old Willburn and Frederick

are out, I'll get me another

publisher but I'll keep on

writing, I expect to

go to my grave typing.

Real people, hah, I'm

just as real as they are.

Just as down to earth, underneath that is.

Look out there Larry

all those darling people

working away, you could

prop me down in any one

of their dear little

homes and I'd fit right in

like a cozy old aunt.

Don't make me laugh.

I would remind you Larry,

that when I was writing.

Love Can Be Cold, I spent

nearly a month in an igloo

with eight Eskimos.

And I survived.

Yes, but did the Eskimos?

Oh.

Darling I love you, you're adorable.

But in the house in the

suburbs with a normal family,

you wouldn't last a week.

Would you care to bet?

(frolicking music)

Hold the door please, hold

the door, hold the door.

Hold it, thank you.

(elevator dinging)

Good morning Mr. Baumgartner.

Oh, good morning.

I'm Walter Gomphers, I work

in the accounting department.

Oh yes.

[Secretary] Can you take

these for me, thank you.

Morning Mr. Baumgartner.

Oh good morning Marie.

Have a nice day.

What, oh yes, thanks.

What exactly is the bet?

That I could spend a week

with a so-called normal family,

living somewhere outside of New York City.

I could telephone when

I'll escape into Manhattan.

If I stick it out, Larry has to pay

the lucky family 500 bucks a day

for their trouble.

If I can't, I pay.

500 dollars a day?

And!

And what?

If I lose I give up writing.

Oh Laura.

When your agent is urging you to quit,

you pretty much know where you stand.

Don't you dear?

But surely you're not going

through with this silly bit.

(mumbling), besides there's

nothing to worry about.

Larry has to come up

with the normal family.

And Larry hasn't known

anyone normal in years.

I'd appreciate it if you

could send that over right away,

thank you.

Hi.

Oh hi, Mr. Baumgartner.

Busy are we?

Well, yes I have to get

those reports finished.

Mr. Baumgartner could I

talk to you about an idea...

How long have you've been with us, uh?

- Gomphers.

- Gomphers.

Nine years.

You see sir, I have this idea

for the accounting department

that I think would improve...

Much of a commute?

What?

Well from where you

live to here for instance?

Portal to portal about an hour.

You know the Long Island Railroad.

You live on Long Island?

Yes, uh Hicksville,

it's not far Levittown.

We like it up there.

About my idea sir...

We, who's we?

My wife and the kids.

Oh you have children,

how many, what age?

I have a photograph,

would you like to see it?

I'd love it.

That's my wife Melody.

Kind of a funny name isn't it.

Before we were married

her name was Melody Lane.

She kinda liked it but, I

was glad when she changed it,

Melody Gomphers sounds more like her.

Excuse me, (mumbling), Mr. Gomphers.

Thank you Violet.

You're certainly welcome.

Oh excuse me Mr. Baumgartner.

Walter.

Walter.

Do you live in an apartment or a house?

Oh we have a house,

it's not paid for yet,

it's in a very nice area.

Do you have a guest bedroom?

You wanna visit?

Is it true Ms. Lansing that

you were intimate with Gandhi?

Oh I wouldn't say intimate.

Oh I didn't mean

intimate, but you knew him.

Of course.

What was he like?

He was sweet.

And didn't you dine

recently with Queen Elizabeth

in London?

Oh yes, yes, I did.

[Interviewer] And what was she like?

She was regal.

Are these the dishcloths

that are on sale?

Guess what happened today.

Hi honey.

Mr. Baumgartner, the

Executive Vice President

of the whole agency, in

charge of some of the biggest

clients we've got, came

to my office today.

[Melody] No.

[Walter] Didn't call

me to his, came to mine.

I still don't get it.

We can make a cool 500

dollars a day for doing nothing.

Just nothing.

That's what I don't get.

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