Laura Lansing Slept Here Page #2

---

Annette, will you please

turn that racket down,

you're supposed to be doing your homework.

He wants a change, he said.

Now, please honey.

(rock music)

Who?

I told you, he wouldn't tell me.

Actually though, I think maybe

what we're dealing with here

is Mr. Baumgartner's mother.

[Melody] Oh Walter Junior help Malcolm.

He's gotta go to the bathroom.

[Walter Junior] I'm watching the show.

Just do it.

If she wants a change,

why doesn't he send her

to some place fabulous,

like Atlantic City.

Turn it down, Annette!

I've got the impression

he wants her to have

the pleasure of being

with a nice normal family.

Oh.

Want some (mumbling)?

If I turn down the

music I can't concentrate,

you want me to concentrate?

I want you to turn down the music.

[Walter] Honey please

turn down the music.

Okay, but don't blame me

if I turn into a total nerd.

You won't.

Maybe she just wants to

get out of Manhattan,

and breathe some fresh air.

Yeah the air stinks here.

Maybe we could finally

pay for Annette's teeth.

[Melody] Do you want some ice cream?

No, okay.

Oh they were out of chocolate chip.

[Walter] Don't worry about it.

- Walter.

- Hmm?

This Mr. Baumgartner, he's

pretty high up isn't he?

I mean at the office?

Executive Vice President.

Walter you know what?

What?

This could be it.

What's it?

Your promotion.

They never noticed me, nine years.

But when you tell them your idea.

- Nine years.

- He'll notice you now.

Oh honey!

Maybe we could get a new dishwasher.

Don't let your ice cream melt.

How old is she?

He didn't say, I did ask.

All he'd say was she was getting on.

Getting on?

That's all he said.

Getting on.

That could be really old.

She could be an invalid.

Gee I wonder if we could get

one of those handrail things

so she could get in and

out of bed on her own.

You're talking money.

Oh...

Who is gonna pay for her food?

Oh I said we would, how

much more can she eat?

Another hot dog, a little more soup.

It's a gesture on our part.

That's nice Walter.

I'll be back at five.

[Doris] Have you got any money?

Now why should I need any money?

You should always carry some

money, just in case, here.

Take this.

(phone ringing)

Tell them I'm out.

Hello?

Oh hello Larry.

Yes she's here.

All right, he says it's important,

it's about your bet.

(calming music)

Yes Larry?

What, well, uh next week, I'm going to be

at a convention in

California with Jane Fonda.

Something about a coastline.

No, no, (mumbling).

What?

An accountant?

Three children?

Normal?

Hicksville?

(calming music)

Now listen Wally, we

don't know this person

but I'm sure she's a very

sweet old lady and we wanna be

very kind and considerate to her.

Is she poor or something?

I don't know but if she is

we won't say anything won't we?

Oh no that was a mistake,

don't like that, that's okay.

You may want some of these.

What shall I take

Doris, I want to fit in.

Simple, something simple.

You mean white?

All in white, a filmy diaphanous white.

I don't wanna look like

the Ghost of Marley.

Oh, I know, Janet, there's that

robe the Dalai Lama gave me.

What do you think, the beautiful

housewife wear, (mumbling)?

Of course not, you're not

going to the Old West you know.

Aprons, I suppose, day and night aprons.

Nothing but aprons as

far as the eye can see.

I don't wanna sweep down here.

Think of it as an adventure.

There aren't any windows.

What do you want windows for?

Well for one thing, ventilation.

And who knows, I might wanna look out,

see if it's raining, see if it's day,

see if it's night.

You can come upstairs for that.

Here help me with this cot.

I hate this cot.

Walter Junior I have had about enough.

You loved this cot.

You said it was just

fine when Grandma came.

I lied.

Please, please cooperate.

I'm nervous enough as it is hmm?

Now go upstairs and

bring down anything else

you think you'll need,

get Annette to help you.

[Walter Junior] She's not here.

Where is she?

[Walter Junior ] Who

knows, she went off with

some boy after school.

What boy?

[Walter Junior] Some boy!

(upbeat music)

Annette, turn that off

and go to sleep honey.

[Annette] What?

[Melody] I just wanted

to say good night.

Good night.

Night.

(calming music)

Honey.

Hmm?

It's Saturday night.

Have you got everything Howard?

I think so Ms. Lansing.

Good.

Why all the luggage, it's only a week.

I wanna look right.

Where's my typewriter?

Oh Lord.

Now who's going to cook for you?

The dear little housewife, Emma.

You just can't eat

anything, you need the best

and you need it specially prepared.

I'm sure she wouldn't dream of giving me

anything but the very best.

Hmm, here.

Here's a nice little packing

I made for you to nibble on.

I'm gonna miss you Emma.

Okay, I've got it.

[Larry] Do you plan to do some writing?

Why I gotta, I'm a writer, ain't I?

(warm anticipatory music)

Look, all the houses are exactly alike.

How would they know which one is theirs?

Oh, how green the grass is.

And I'm sure they get

a sunset, in the rear.

How do you do, I'm...

Laura Lansing.

Heavens.

You must be Mr. Gomphers, is

your wife given to seizures?

Not that I know of.

[Larry] I think she's coming around.

Good, she should've been told,

the excitement has been too much for her,

you poor dear, are you a fan of my books?

No.

Well then, why?

I've seen you on talk shows.

You scare me to death.

Shall we go in?

Yes, we should.

What are these?

Oh the (mumbling).

How do you do, I'm to be your house guest.

Yes I can see they're thrilled.

What a charming little country cottage.

(baby cackling)

Ms. Lansing.

Yes dear?

If I'd known it was you

I'd have, I'd have uhm...

Yes dear?

Changed the wallpaper.

I should've phoned ahead.

Howard fetch the champagne please.

I brought a case of

champagne, just in case

we had a thirst.

We don't drink, usually.

Can we go now?

Please everyone, I

would like to say a word.

Dear friends, dear (mumbling),

I want you to know one thing about me,

I am without ego...

(coughing)

Well I mean I do have normal ego.

But I want to be treated as

if I was simply one of you.

I assure you I won't intrude

on your little lives,

in any way.

You'll never know I'm here.

Just go about your

businesses if I didn't exist.

Howard, there are two bottles cold.

Uh, Larry you'll give him hand?

Is it a bit warm in here, airless, ah.

[Walter] Let me help you with that.

Oh no I never need help.

Where's the sweet old lady?

Hush dear.

Now, may I see my quarters please?

Oh of course.

This way.

I've tried to make it

nice for you, Ms. Lansing.

I'm sure it's simply...

Lovely.

There's a copy of

Valley of the Dolls there.

You shouldn't have troubled.

(mouse peeping)

Where's the telephone?

[Melody] In the living room.

I mean, my telephone.

In the living room.

Well we've been thinking

of getting an extension,

but Walter thought the extension...

Of course dear, now, may

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes