Laura Lansing Slept Here Page #3

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I see my bathroom please?

Sure.

Excuse me.

(electronic music)

What is this awful cacophony?

Oh!

Who do you think you are?

I know perfectly well who I am.

Let me see your eyes.

Absolute confusion.

Mom!

I'm sure she meant it as a compliment.

The bathroom, right

this way, see it's uhm,

very convenient.

Oh?

I'm a real stickler for hygiene.

And I must ask that nobody

else use my bathroom.

Uh Laura, I don't think

you've got the drift.

Am I not right Ms. Gomphers when I say

that in this house,

there's just one bathroom.

What are these poor people to do?

Well, we'll figure something won't we?

[Malcolm] Yeah won't we?

Hello shorty.

(weeping)

What's this?

I'm afraid the Gomphers are a little low

on champagne glasses.

Can't you uh, stick

something in his mouth?

I mean a cookie or something.

He's just not used to you.

I'm not used to him

but I'm not screaming.

Yet.

(weeping)

Here's to the real people.

The real people!

(baby chirping)

Mom is she coming out again tonight?

I don't sweetheart,

keep your voice down huh?

Why can't we turn on the TV?

It upsets her, I guess.

[Walter] What's she doing in there?

[Melody] I don't know Walter.

Why didn't she eat dinner?

I don't think she cares for beefaroni.

But boy does she care for

that chopped liver she brought.

I guess she was hungry.

I smelled it, it stank.

She is so famous.

She writes book.

You don't Walter, she's

on all the talk shows,

she goes out with Robert Redford and uh,

and she knows Steven Spielberg

and the Queen of England

and the Pope.

Really, Steven Spielberg?

(door slamming shut)

Isn't this pleasant?

Is this what this you do in the evenings?

Sit in meditation?

I've got it, a schedule of the bathroom,

I think I've solved our problems.

Now Melody, you're the

first in the morning

because you have chores to

do to get your little family

going, you've got a full 20 minutes.

Walter's second of course,

he is the breadwinner,

has to train to New York,

bring home the bacon,

you've got a full 20

minutes, you're the Daddy.

The children follow, Annette

first, because she's a girl,

I don't think we should

mind a little discrimination

in gender, then Walter Junior.

They each have only 10 minutes

and they mustn't dawdle

because they've got to get to school.

Malcolm...

(baby crying)

Don't do that, or I'll go on

and pack you in a suitcase.

Yes, Malcolm then has 10 minutes

which is more than he needs

you'll note that I've put myself last.

Although I'm a guest,

I am also an outsider,

and I don't mind being

last, because then I can be

open-ended, so to speak.

Now, Walter.

If you've got a hammer, you

can put this right up on

the bathroom door.

Just as Martin Luther did on the door

to Wittenberg Church in 1517.

Oh, Melody, could you be a

dear and make me a little more

closet space?

Oh!

Not tonight, the morning

will be time enough.

And dear, I sat on my bed

and it's much too soft,

I'm gonna need a board under the mattress.

And uhm I am a writer you

know, I need a proper desk,

a good stout chair and a decent lamp.

And quiet of course,

that goes without saying,

good night all, bless you.

What did she mean, a board?

Where would I get a board?

Why here?

Or a desk.

Why us?

Or a good stout chair.

I don't even know what

a good stout chair is.

What's she doing here?

Or a decent lamp.

Where are we gonna get a decent lamp?

I just want a promotion.

(calming music)

(cat meowing)

(dog barking)

Now, I lay me down to sleep.

I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

If I should die before I wake.

It might be just as well.

(weeping)

Malcolm sweetie, ssshht, ssshht, ssshht.

Be quiet the door's closed

and I think Ms. Lansing

will be asleep.

(door opening)

Good morning, good

morning, good morning.

Not a bad neighborhood for a brisk stroll.

Startled some of the natives though.

Good morning Malcolm, good morning.

(baby chirping)

Why do you do that?

Now, look at me, you study my face.

You tell me what you see there.

Old.

The child's hopeless.

Do you need anything pressed?

Not now, no, maybe later in

the day, I'll let you know.

Thank you.

Oh uhm, what'll you have for breakfast?

Fruit, just fruit, a

little kiwi would be nice.

Kiwi.

(door banging)

[Laura] Who's in there?

[Walter] Me!

Well get out!

I think all I have is a banana.

He's making a mockery

of the whole system.

Oh that's Walter, he

was so anxious I guess

about, you know, staying

on schedule that he forgot

to shave.

You mean he went back in?

Well he had to.

I don't see why.

Anything you forget to do

while you're in there, you'll

have to wait to do until

you're on the schedule again.

Oh.

It builds character.

Yes.

Annette!

Honey come on, (door banging), breakfast.

You play in here.

You're gonna be late for

school, come on Annette.

Did you sleep well.

Of course not.

[Melody] Walter Junior!

[Laura] Good morning Walter.

Junior!

Walter Junior.

Would you like a cup of coffee.

Uh, uh, no thank, just

a little herbal tea.

I hate sleeping down there,

and that cot's too hard.

I'm sorry, I don't have any herbal tea.

Oh no it doesn't matter,

never mind, Twinings will do.

Annette stayed in the

bathroom too long, I timed her,

she was 30 seconds over.

Twinings?

Coffee.

Annette, I told you, you

cannot wear that skirt to school,

now I ironed the other one for you.

Why not.

Because you're not Tandaleo.

Who's Tandaleo?

Probably a friend of Ms. Lansing's.

Now, Annette, please, change it.

It's what everybody's wearing

and I'm going to wear it.

I did stock up for breakfast.

Eggs and bacon and...

No, no, thank you, I'll think

I'll stick with my banana.

Why don't you eat some of these?

Crispy Crunchy Sugar Supers.

If you continue to eat

these Walter Junior,

your body will turn into

putty and your brain

will dissolve into tapioca.

Huh?

He likes them.

(muttering)

Oh, is it all right?

Well uhm, what is it?

Well it's coffee.

Uh, coffee?

Real coffee?

Well no, instant.

I prefer it, it's what

I drink at the office.

I'll go shopping this morning,

Walter I'll need the car

so I'll drop you off,

oh, I just remembered, Malcolm

ate the banana last night

I'm so sorry.

It doesn't matter, I've

often fasted (mumbling),

during difficult periods in my life.

Walter what am I gonna do?

Honey, just ignore her.

Don't forget, I made an

appointment to do the oil change

this morning.

You won't be late again

tonight will you, please?

Please don't leave me alone.

I'll try.

Goodbye, goodbye dear children.

Study hard.

Nose to the grindstone.

Shoulder to the wheel.

(groans)

Good morning Walter.

How did it go, first night and all?

Fine, fine.

Really?

Well, she has opinions.

I guess you know that.

Well I have noticed once or twice.

Mr. Baumgartner I'd really

like to talk you about

my ideas for...

Oh another time Gomphers,

everything is really fine

at home eh?

Oh yeah, fine, fine.

Well...

We were wondering, why would

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