Lavalantula

1

Mr. Zander,

former Green Beret.

Medal of Honor

recipient.

CIA operative.

rmer head

of the Black Cobra

Mercenary Society.

I thought you would have

been a bigger challenge,

but what

a disappointment

you are.

You're beginning

to sound like my father.

Is there anything you

would like to tell us now?

Yeah.

I want to thank you.

You just saved me 1,500 bucks

in a root canal.

Heh.

Joke.

Don't misunderstand me.

I find you very funny,

but I'm done with you

and your jokes.

So tell me, Mr. Zander,

do you have

any final words

before I

remove your head

from your body?

Yeah, I do.

Nice leg.

Aah!

Aah!

Sayonara, amigos.

Cut!

Cut! Cut!

Darren, where are you?

Where are you?

I-Is this how you

take care of me?

It was supposed to be

taken care of.

What happened?

Sorry. It just

malfunctioned.

My bad, baby.

My bad.

Malfunctioned?

My bad.

Wait. This is smoke.

How could smoke

not function?

No. We don't use

smoke anymore.

No, no, no.

No, no.

"Red Rocket" was smoke.

That was whoosh.

This is different.

This is wheesh.

This is

liquid nitrogen,

new formula,

and it's safe

until it explodes.

Nitrogen? Are you kidding me?

Yes.

This is a chemical.

This can't be good

for my body.

Oh, baby,

you look fabulous.

Yeah, man.

You really do

look fabulous.

Let's move on to scene 87.

Sorry, boss.

Let's get

the green screen lit.

Let's get Colton

in his new wardrobe.

87? Hold on.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Darren, I'm not doing 87.

I'm wrapped.

I can't do this.

We have to do scene 87.

I need you

in the scene

with the bugs.

What bugs? I hate bugs.

I can't do a bug movie.

I'm not doing--

It's so funny

that you say that,

because you're

in a bug movie

right now.

That's what's happening.

I'm in a bug movie?

When did this

become a bug movie?

It became a bug movie when

the writer put his fingers

on the keyboard.

Excuse me. I hope she's

a good friend of yours,

because you

just got her fired.

Hit that

with something heavy.

If I see that

near your face,

your face is in

the unemployment office.

What page is there

a bug movie?

What page?

Did you read the script?

Yeah, I looked it over.

What do you mean

you looked it over?

Did you put it on a coffee table

and look at it,

or did you read it?

I read most of it, Darren.

Come on. We're done here.

We're not done.

We're not done.

Oh, really?

Look, we're into

four hours of overtime,

and you promised me

I could take my kid

to see his favorite team.

You promised me that you

would be a team player

on this shoot,

that I wouldn't have to put up

with your crap this time.

I've been

here for 16 hours

choking on smoke.

How much more

of a team player

do you want?

Don't walk out that door.

Really?

You're making a mistake.

Really?

Thank you, Amber.

Oh, come on. Get bent.

Don't walk out that door,

Colton.

Okay, you did.

Now don't walk to your car.

Really?

Okay, it's over

for you if you do.

Over? Come on.

Yeah.

We know each other

10 years. We're buddies.

10 years is nothing

in this business.

I'm done with you.

Oh, come on.

Look, Darren, you know

the only reason

the producers

put me in this

is to put my face

on the video box.

On a video box?

Did you just time-travel here

from the nineties?

This is your problem.

You live in a world

of car phones and

fax machines.

You're living in the past.

"Red Rocket"

was 20 years ago.

"Clown Cops"

was 25 years ago.

You have to realize

I only put you in this move

as a favor to Arni.

I'm making a movie about

giant cockroaches, okay?

It sells itself.

It doesn't need this,

not anymore.

Look, you don't

have to say that.

That's not really nice.

We're friends. Come on.

Not anymore.

I'm done with you.

Come on, Darren.

I'm gonna see you

tomorrow morning.

Not unless I'm down

at the unemployment

office, you won't.

Okay, bye, Colton.

Meg, get Arni

on the phone.

A recent swarm of earthquakes

has been rocking

Southern California.

Dr. Deckert Serbi is here

to talk about what is happening.

Thank you for spending some time

with us today, Doctor.

This is Colton.

You walked off the set?

Are you kidding me

right now?

Are you kidding me,

Arni?

It's a freaking

cockroach movie.

He didn't read the script.

It's what's

being offered.

It's $10,000

for one day's work,

and I had to beg

to get it for you!

Well, you know what?

They can keep

the money, okay?

You know, I'm looking

for something with

integrity and respect.

Do you know that word,

Arni? "Respect."

You know, I'm better

than this crap.

No, you're not.

I promised them--

No, I swore to them

you would be a mensch!

Nobody is more menschy

than me. You know that.

Look, I just

bailed you out of jail.

You were five seconds

away from orange is

the new ass in town.

They kept me four hours

after my day, okay?

I don't care!

You owe me money, Colt!

Just turn your car

around, please,

and go to work!

Arni, I got another call.

No more bug movies.

Don't you hang up on me!

Don't! Don't!

Mother--Maggie!

Hi, honey.

Where the hell

are you?

It's nice to hear

your voice, too, sweetheart.

The game starts

in 20 minutes.

Did you forget?

No. Honey,

this is Los Angeles.

Nobody gets to a game

before the fourth inning.

You know that.

Whatever.

I'm out of here.

Uh, he's on--

he's on his way, sweetheart.

I've heard it before.

Wyatt.

Great. He just walked

out of the house.

What's with that kid?

He doesn't listen

anymore.

Tell him the freeway's

a parking lot.

I'm gonna get there

as soon as I can.

You know what?

You tell him.

Colton West is

in the news again.

Why are you

on TV?

According to

law enforcement sources,

nineties movie star and

action hero Colton West

was booked last night

in Santa Monica

on charges of aggravated assault

and resisting arrest.

I guess that's one way to get

yourself back in the public eye.

What kind of trouble

are you in now?

I don't know, honey.

I really don't know.

You know what?

I don't care.

Goodbye, Colton.

Whoa.

Did you feel that?

Whoa!

We're having an earthquake.

Yeah, honey,

are you okay?

Olivia, are you okay?

Whoa!

You see that?!

Everybody

take cover!

Aah!

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on, answer.

Answer.

Reports are pouring in

of an unprecedented

geological event

occurring in Los Angeles.

How 'bout biological?

How 'bout volcanic,

you moron?

This is

a freaking apocalypse!

In a follow-up story,

the Malibu bar fight

involving nineties movie star

and action hero, Colton West,

who was made famous

by his role as the Red Rocket

and made famous the expression,

"Nice" anything.

Nice nose.

Nice tattoo. Yah!

Nice tentacle.

Eyewitnesses are now

coming forward

to say that Colton West

was in fact

trying to be a peacemaker.

If that in fact is the case,

then this reporter

has one thing to say.

Nice job.

We interrupt this program

to bring you breaking news.

The earthquakes

that have been shaking

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