Leatherheads Page #8

- You got that much gas?

- Try me.

Have a good game today, Dodge.

Have a good, clean game.

Thanks, fellas.

- It doesn't seem fair.

- We never played any game clean.

- We played Wabash clean last year.

- They only had nine men.

Yeah, but still...

Ladies and gentlemen,

good afternoon and welcome.

It is a fine day for professional

football here in Chicago.

Rain has been coming down in buckets but,

at least for the moment, has subsided.

That's making for some muddy conditions

as the league-leading Chicago

team, with their new star

Carter "the Bullet" Rutherford,

hosts the Duluth Bulldogs,

who are out for revenge.

Field conditions are simply horrible.

That should favour the

ground game of Chicago.

But the real story

today is the match-up

between the Bullet and old

team-mate Dodge Connelly.

And we're proud to bring you

all the action live on the radio.

Joining me in the broadcast booth

is Saul Keller, our sound engineer.

And we remind you that our programme

is brought to you in part by

Coca-Cola, "Delicious and refreshing,"

and Standard Motor Gasoline.

Go home, you bums!

I hope Big Gus didn't stretch

your uniform out too bad, Eddie.

Lose this one for us, will you, Dodge?

We just might.

Never thought I'd see the day.

Times are changing.

It's a hell of a thing.

You can't say "hell" over the radio.

Why not?

Those are the rules.

Jesus.

You can't say "Jesus," either!

- Say, Sudsey.

- Hiya, doll.

Hell of a crowd.

Are you two related?

Well, we are ready for the coin toss.

The two captains, Connelly and Rutherford,

are going to head to the 50-yard line.

And who wouldn't want to be down

there on the field for this exchange?

Dodge.

- Fellas.

- Carter.

Okay, so, the winner of the coin toss

gets to determine which side of

the field they want to play on.

For example, Dodge, if you want

to play from this end zone...

Jimmy, what happens after that?

It's a new rule.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Then the opposing

team, that would be you, Carter,

you decide whether you

want to kick off or receive.

And that's all determined

by the coin toss.

Who calls that?

Hell, I don't care.

Carter, you call it.

You're the home team.

Write that down. That's a good one.

Heads.

It's heads.

We'll take the ball.

We'll take that side of the field.

Okay, well, then let's get

this damn thing started!

It's a whole new game.

- I'll try not to hurt you.

- Yeah, you do that.

And here we go, folks. Duluth

is set to kick off to Chicago.

Hardleg Hansen boots

the ball in the air.

And Rutherford snags it.

He's to the 10, the 20.

Look out, he's at the 30!

Side-stepped Ralph

Banning. Look at him go!

He's at the 40, the 50!

He's got one guy to beat.

Yes, folks, it's number

Connelly brings down Rutherford

at the Bulldogs' 49-yard line.

Chicago fans are on their feet.

Now, that's how you start a game!

Wow!

The ball is handed off to

Rutherford at the line of scrimmage,

and he's slammed to the ground by Big

Gus Schiller from Penrose High School.

It's a run.

Well, after three very safe plays,

Chicago is finding itself

facing a fourth down

with 8 yards to go.

They'll line up for a field goal and hope

to walk away with just three points here.

That is some well-played

defence by the Bulldogs.

It's all right, fellas. We're

just going to wear them down.

Let's take three and put them back

on their heels, all right? Let's go.

Hauser is lined up for the kick.

The snap is down and the kick is...

Good!

It only took six minutes

into the first quarter

to get on the board,

and Chicago has done it.

They lead, 3 to nil.

Legs Hauser is set to

kick off for Chicago.

Sudsey, can I have a

shot of your giggle water?

Yeah, but don't drink

it all. I'm in need.

Word is the new commissioner told

Dodge he had to play the game clean

or he'd kick him out of football.

Clean?

No Pig in a Poke? No

Chasing the Cattail?

Not even a Crusty Bob.

Christ!

Sorry.

Can he win like that?

Without question, he cannot.

But the worst part is...

Boring.

Well, with 10 minutes left

to go in the second quarter,

Chicago still leads, 3 to nothing.

Neither team seems to be moving the ball.

The Bulldogs with just

All right, how many

yards did we get, seven?

Two.

- Really? -

One-and-a-half.

- What down is it, second?

- Third. Third.

- All right, let's throw the ball down the field.

- Okay.

Curly, you run down the sideline, and

you beat that dwarf to the 40, okay?

- Okay, Dodge.

- All right.

Well, the first half has ended

pretty much the way we started here,

3 to nil, Chicago.

And after two quarters of play,

I guess you could blame the

low-scoring game on field conditions.

That's all right, Ralphie.

We can win this.

They just want to wear us

down, but we can win this!

Come on. Tell them, Dodge.

- We can win this.

- Yeah!

Yeah, Bulldogs! Come on, guys.

Put it down with the Bulldogs. Come on.

Gone are the big plays.

Gone are the on-field antics

that have made this Duluth team

so successful up to now.

So far, the big match-up between

Dodge Connelly and Carter Rutherford

seems to be little more than

a wrestling match in the mud.

It looks like Lake Michigan out there

and certainly seems to

be affecting both teams.

Go on in.

What? I've never heard of that!

You can't block a man in the back!

You got to be kidding

me! Not even at his knees?

Pall Mall for that

smooth, go anywhere taste.

And as we head into

the fourth quarter here,

the scoreboard still

reads Chicago 3, Duluth 0.

Today's match-up not exactly the

offensive showdown we'd hoped for.

More like a muddy snooze fest so far

as Carter "the Bullet" Rutherford has

a grand total of about 300 yards...

I can't tell who's who.

Well, folks, with just under a

minute left in the fourth quarter,

Duluth is pinned down on their own 35.

It's fourth down at four yards to go.

The Bulldogs really have

no choice but to go for it.

Connelly takes a lateral from

Zoom, and look out, he's at the 45!

The 50! Rutherford tailing

him! He's at the 45!

Rutherford hot on his heels!

He brings down Connelly

on the 38-yard line of

Chicago! How about that?

Time-out on the field now,

and these fans are not happy.

And they're letting

Rutherford and his boys know.

- How many time-outs

we got left? - Two.

Two? Good. We got time

for two more plays.

We're gonna take it down the right side,

we're gonna get it out of

bounds and stop the clock.

Get about 8 more yards, then

Hardleg can tie this thing up.

What?

Let's just beat them now, Dodge.

You guys having fun?

Heck, yeah.

Okay, God damn it. Let's beat them now.

I got a new play. It's

called the Sergeant York.

Listen up, watch the wing.

Nobody gets out of bounds.

Bulldogs run a sweep to

the right side of the field,

and that's not fooling anyone.

- Stretcher!

- Stretcher!

And there seems to be

an injury on the field.

A Duluth player, can't

quite make out which one.

They're gonna bring the

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