Legally Blonde Page #25

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Well, that's what we're trying to prove

didn't happen. Do you have any reason to

believe it did?

MRS. WINDHAM VANDERMARK

I never met the woman, but from what my

daughter tells me, she's quite the cun--

ELLE:

(interrupting her)

She's not!

(CONTINUED)

82.

98 98

EMMETT:

Did your daughter ever say anything to

you about Brooke and Heyworth's

relationship?

MRS. WINDHAM VANDERMARK

Aside from the fact that he found her on

an infomercial? She said they humped like

gorillas . Chutney could hear them all

the way in the pool house.

EMMETT:

I ' m sure that was very awkward for

Chutney.

(sotto)

Much as it is for me, hearing you tell

about it.

MRS. WINDHAM VANDERMARK

But I guess it wasn't enough for Brooke.

EMMETT:

Why do you say that?

MRS . WINDHAM VANDERMARK

Haven't you seen the cabana boy?

ELLE:

(uneasy)

Ys. . . .

e

MRS. WINDHAM VANDERMARK

Like I said, I've never met Brooke, but I

have seen her from a distance. When I ' d

come over to pick up the alimony check

that Heyworth forgot to mail every month,

she'd be out by the pool, with Mr. Hot

Pants hovering over her with some pink

drink.

EMMETT:

Hovering?

MRS . WINDHAM VANDERMARK

I didn't stick around long enough to

watch him stick his swizzle stick in her

mouth, but I ' d bet my next check that

that ' s where he was about to put it .

99 INT. EMMETT 'S VOLVO - DAY 99

Emmett drives, raving.

(CONTINUED)

83.

99 99

EMMETT:

How can you still believe she's innocent?

ELLE:

You're going to trust the word of a woman

who named her child after a condiment?

She's ly-ing.

EMMETT:

And you know this for a fact?

' ELLE

Did you see the icky black color of her

hair?

EMMETT:

So?

ELLE:

I never trust a woman who's not blonde.

Except for my friend Serena, but that's

only because she's a blonde at heart.

That's the whole reason I ' m starting the

Blonde Legal Defense Fund.

He looks at her and laughs.

EMMETT:

The what?

ELLE:

Blondes are discriminated against

worldwide! Brooke's a blonde, and people

are saying she's sleeping with the cheesy

pool boy and shooting her husband. If

she was a mousy brunette, it would be,

"Oh, the poor widow."

EMMETT:

You're serious?

She's fired up now.

ELLE:

You should see the way I ' m treated in

class! I'm a complete source of mockery.

This is why the Blonde Legal Defense Fund

is needed.

He goes along with it, won over by her enthusiasm.

EMMETT:

Okay, how would it work?

(CONTINUED)

84.

99 (2) 99

E LLE:

It would be a full-service law firm, by

and for blondes, providing positive

blonde role models and community outreach

in high blonde areas. I mean, think

about it -- name one blonde intellectual

role model.

EMMETT:

-- I can't.

ELLE:

That is a direct result of anti- blonde

discrimination!

EMMETT:

Wait -- Hilary Clinton.

ELLE:

If she were a true blonde, she would've

left the cheating bastard. Blondes don't

let their husbands get fellated by

brunettes and live to tell about it.

Emmett frowns.

EMM E T T:

. In that case, maybe Heyworth got ---

fellated --by a brunette and Brooke

caught him.

ELLE:

Exactly how much gorilla sex do you think

a sixty-year-old man can take? ·.

EMMETT:

That's not really a topic that keeps me

up at night -- but maybe it should.

Elle digs in her purse.

ELLE:

Speaking of that ·-- I bought you some

seaweed cream while we were at the spa.

She hands it to him. He keeps his hands on the wheel, not

taking it.

EMMETT:

What the hell is that for?

(CONTINUED)

85.

99 (3) 99

ELLE:

The bags under your eyes. You're an

attractive man, but you need to take

better care of yourself.

EMMETT:

I don't --

(gesturing to the cream)

Do that stuff.

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