Lenny Page #2

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I'll just touch it myself. "

That's it, man.

We're all the same schmuck.

Oh, my God.

Oh, man! Is that an album cover!

Why don't you come in,

big boy, and pick a few flowers?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

It's a shiksa goddess.

That's about the time

I came into the picture.

In what capacity?

What was your relationship?

Personal manager. Friend.

You know... the relationship

between a client and an agent

is a very delicate one. Very delicate.

You don't know how far to get involved

in their personal lives.

Lenny, you name it, she's done it.

I mean, the whole bit.

By the time she was 15,

she had already done time.

So you can just imagine.

Lenny, I'd like to be more

than just an agent to you.

I think you know how I feel.

I mean, otherwise I would never

be telling you these things.

What did you do, Artie?

Hire a private eye?

I didn't have to.

Well, I heard you two were hanging

around a lot together, you know.

It was none of my business,

but I just started asking

around about her and...

- I started hearing these things.

- I love you.

Well, there was this one guy

who said that he knew her,

and he went to a party

with her, and... she, uh...

Lenny, look, I don't have

to spell it out for you, do I?

Did my mother

have anything to do with this?

Sally? No.

Look, Lenny, I'm not making this stuff up.

This isn't a very pleasant thing

to have to do, you know.

If you don't believe me,

check it out yourself.

I don't have to, man.

She already told me herself.

But, um, thanks.

I mean, I got involved in a lot of things

which I wish I didn't get involved in.

You know, very painful things

with, you know, his personal life.

Since you really cared for him.

Yeah, I loved that guy. I really did.

- Honey?

- Hm?

- Let's get married.

- What?

I was a June bride...

And I remember I was wearing

a bengaline suit, had on high heels.

Judge was Judge Liddy.

- You remember everything.

- Oh, yeah. A lot of it.

They've been sitting down there

like that for 15 minutes.

- Why doesn't she let him come up?

- Mema, give her a chance!

She's probably a lovely girl.

Oh, I knew all about her.

And I figured, it's his life, and if that's

who he loves, then that's fine with me.

But what can

they be talking about?

About us, dummy!

Oh, Jesus! There goes the hair.

My mother will be on all the time.

She probably won't

even know you're there.

Good, then I won't have to go up.

But you gotta meet Aunt Mema.

I'll get her to do her famous "Feh" for you.

"Feh"? What's that?

Her impression of a Jewish seagull.

"Feh! Feh!" You'll see.

- Come on, man, let's go.

- Lenny?

Do me a favour?

Please don't call me "man".

I really wanted her to like me.

In-laws, you know?

Oh, now, I gotta tell you

about the first time

that this schmuck ever worked a club.

Here it comes.

Never been on stage before. I'm

working this club on Ocean Parkway.

The Victory Club.

Ugh, what a joint.

The guys were so tough,

they wore wool suits in the summer.

With no underwear.

Listen, I know you know the story,

but I'm gonna tell it anyway.

- All right.

- One night the MC didn't show.

He had car trouble.

Police found marijuana in the trunk.

- Good.

- You haven't heard that before.

How long did you know Leonard

before you two got married?

- Um...

- You're on your own.

Mema... I'm on, OK?

So, I'm sitting in the bar.

And in walks Lenny.

You should have seen me. I had on

brown suede shoes, and the shirt...

So, I says "Lenny,

the MC didn't show tonight. "

"Now, how's about if I introduce you,

and you introduce the acts?"

And he says "Oh, no.

Are you kidding with that?"

And I says "There's nothing to it. '

"You don't have to be funny.

It's intros, like 'Here's Slip and Slap'."

"'How about a hand

for Schmutz and Dreck?"'

Dreck is Yiddish for "sh*t".

- Ouch!

- So he says "OK, why not?"

Three seconds later,

I'm in the toilet... bleurgh!

- All over the suede shoes.

- Leonard!

- Bleurgh!

- Feh!

- Bleurgh!

- Feh!

- "Feh". There it is.

- Hold it! Hold it, the star is on!

Now, listen, I'm up there, see,

and I got the microphone.

I'm saying "Folks, the MC couldn't

make it tonight, blah, blah, blah. "

"But luckily a good friend of mine,

and a funny, funny guy... "

Bullshit. You said "the funniest guy in... "

Ouch. "The funniest guy in the world. "

You're right! Right!

"Leonard Alfred Schneider,

who just flew in from the coast

for the Sullivan Show,

happens to be in the club. "

You dig what she did to me?

My own mother.

I'd never been on the stage in my life,

and now I gotta go and try to be funny.

You were so nervous

that you came rushing out,

and he tripped over the mic cord,

and he knocked us both flat on our asses.

It's true.

It's true. You never heard

such a laugh - mainly her!

So, how long did you two know

each other before you got married?

Yes, we must know the answer!

How long had we known each other

before we got married?

Half an hour. I picked him up on the

D train after he exposed his putz to me.

- Terrific!

- "Putz"?

I love the "putz"! It's terrific.

It's true. Mema, it's true.

I met her on the D train,

and I gave her one of these.

- Feh!

- That's a small "Feh".

Would you like to hear a loud "Feh"?

I went up to her...

- Feh! Feh!

- That's loud. Can I show Sophie?

Sophie! Sophie's her best friend.

Sophie! Mema.

Sophie! This is the way I met my wife!

Mema doesn't like it. I don't understand.

Mema, you used to...

you used to kiss it when I was little.

Oh, Lenny, she's a terrific girl.

There's no bigger test

of how hip you really are

than when your girlfriend

becomes your wife.

Wow. That's a new one. Why?

You're walking around

with your jugs and pupik sticking out,

and guys are sitting out there

watching you with newspapers

and hats in their laps.

You're jealous!

Oh, I like that. I like that.

So I... I thought maybe

we could work something out

that we could do together.

- What, a double act?

- Yeah.

Dig what I mean.

Like, you talk to the average guy, man.

"Hey, look at that chick over there.

I mean, isn't that a pretty chick?"

"Oh, yeah, she's beautiful. "

"She's got a real pretty face,

and nutty jugs. "

- "You'd marry a woman like that?"

- "Yeah, are you kidding me?"

- "And let your wife dress that way?"

- "No. I'd knock her right on her ass. "

"Well, what made you dig her?"

"Well, you know,

her jugs were sticking out. "

- "She can't dress that way now?"

- "No, you crazy? That's my wife. "

Well, I'll have to cancel some of my, uh...

Forget it.

OK, Daddy. A double act, OK?

That's where the conflict starts.

We all want for a wife

a combination Sunday school teacher,

and $500-a-night hooker.

Well, he started working

with me to be a singer,

and he really played, like,

Flo Ziegfeld or somebody.

And we were together 24 hours a day,

so we started working around.

Club dates, the Catskills,

and, um, it wasn't a bad act.

Really... not a bad act.

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