Lenny Page #3

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Coming from a big star like you, Mr Hart,

that really means a lot to us.

And that's a very pretty

little lady you got there.

- Very pretty.

- Thank you.

I might even be able to use ya

on my show sometime.

Thank you.

Cos I love you, Lenny.

I love you younger guys coming up.

You younger guys are what makes

this business a pleasure.

Who wants to be a parent with

no children, a king with no princes?

I was talking on the Barry Gray Show

about that. Did you catch it?

- She never misses it, Sherman. Right?

- Right.

What I'm trying to say, you're so talented.

I'd hate to see ya get off on

the wrong foot. Work clean.

Don't resort to using dirt. There was a big

beef about your show the other night.

Lucky for you, I ran into Jack Goldstein.

I stopped him

from phoning in a bad report.

I appreciate that, but it was just

a mistake. It was a comedy of errors.

We just finished the duet, and I was

bored doing the same old jokes.

It was hot. So, dig. I took off

my jacket, I turned to the band,

and I said "Now for my 'jacket off' bit"

And the mic picked it up,

so the band cracked up.

- I looked at Honey...

- I cracked up.

And then I cracked up. I know it looked

the worst, man, but it was just...

That's very stupid.

A comic has to use his head.

Up there, you gotta be

thinking every second.

Thank you, thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

one of the all-time greats

of show business is here.

In fact, he got his start

right here in this hotel.

Mr Entertainment himself,

Sherman Hart, ladies and gentlemen!

Sherman Hart!

You're wonderful.

You're beautiful. Oh, you're heaven!

I... Beautiful audience! Oh!

Lenny, baby, I just love

what you're doing up there!

You'll love it, too,

when you see it on my Comedy Hour.

Wednesday night, CBS.

Thank you. You're beautiful.

I might as well tell you the times.

It's 9.00 Eastern, 7.00 Rocky Mountain,

and 4am in Tokyo. Tokyo!

Oh, you're beautiful!

Thank you. Thank you.

Lenny, baby, do me a favour.

Would you just talk a little slower?

I can't write that fast.

Go get 'em. Go get 'em.

Sherman Hart, ladies and gentlemen.

You're wonderful! You're super.

Thank you. Go get 'em, kid.

You know, folks, just to digress

for a second, I know that...

I'm new at this business and I've got

a lot to learn, but thanks to Sherman,

I realise I made a mistake

out here the other night.

And if I offended any of you,

I'd really like to apologise.

So, by way of making it up to you,

I, uh...

I think I'm gonna piss on you.

- Why?

- Look, I just wanna get outta here.

Why would you do such a terrible

thing on the High Holiday weekend?

Everybody's going to be

warned about you!

You won't work another club, room,

anything! You're finished!

- Finished in show business!

- Oh, no, no, no. Not that! Not that!

OK, you'll see! You've got

a rough road ahead of you, sonny!

Especially with your dirty mouth

and your no-talent wife!

Come here, Jack.

Not one Puerto Rican in your kitchen

hasn't schtupped your wife.

Thanks for everything.

What does he know about talent?

OK, what is dirty? And what is clean?

Now, if I had to make a choice, man,

I would rather my kid watches

a stag movie than a clean movie,

like King of Kings.

Why? Because King of Kings

is full of killing,

and I don't want my kid to kill Christ

when he comes back.

That's what happens in that.

Tell me about a stag movie where

anybody gets punched or killed.

If you're lucky, you might

see someone get tied up

or tapped lightly with a Hickok belt,

but for the most part, all you really

see during that hour and a half, man,

is a lot of hugging and kissing...

and moaning and groaning...

Oh, God. And then,

near the end of the movie,

when that one potential instrument

of death is revealed...

The pillow.

The guy might smother the chick,

like in a horror flick.

He takes that pillow and gently

slides it under the girl's ass.

And they go off,

and nobody gets hurt or killed.

And it's nice.

And that's the end of the movie.

Somebody help!

Please, somebody help!

Oh, I had cuts all over my arms, my legs.

I had a big gash right across here.

Um, my bladder was punctured.

I was in shock for three weeks.

It was, uh... it was very dramatic.

Would you like some cold coffee,

Mr Bruce?

Thank you.

Yes? OK, I will.

Mr Bruce? You can go in now.

- What is that, Doctor?

- Morphine.

Some people have all the fun.

I love you.

Mr Bruce?

Don't leave your coat.

- Oh, thanks.

- Let me help you on with it.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Aw, sh*t.

Let's face it, guys are different.

And ladies just don't understand this.

Because to a lady,

cheating means, I know,

hugging and kissing

and liking somebody.

With guys, that doesn't enter into it.

Guys are detached.

You put a guy on a desert island,

he'll do it to mud.

A chicken. A barrel. Anything. A knothole.

If you know this,

would you really feel hurt

if you came home and found your

husband on the bed with a chicken?

- "A chicken. A chicken in our bed!"

- "Oh, come on. "

"Don't touch me! You want your dinner,

get your chicken to get it for you. "

In New York, it's illegal.

"Seeming sexual intercourse

with an animal, to wit, a chicken. "

That's the literal.

But how can you even fantasise it?

They're too short!

"How come you're alone?

Your chicken leave town?"

"Will you leave me alone already?

I was drunk. I met her in the yard. "

"Anyway, I was thinking of you

the whole time I was doing it. "

Do I have to stay in this thing?

I can walk, you know.

It's the rules. Just as far as the door.

You don't wanna break the rules, do you?

Here we go.

OK, take it easy. Easy, easy.

- You OK?

- Mm-hm.

Goodbye, Mrs Bruce, Mr Bruce.

- Bye.

- It's been nice meeting you both.

- Thanks for everything.

- Thanks a lot.

- You made it with her, didn't you?

- Deny it. Flat-out deny it!

If you really love your wife, deny it.

If they got pictures, deny it.

It bugged me at first. You know, it hurt.

If they walk in on you, deny it.

Say this chick came into the apartment

with a sign around her neck that said

"I have malaria. Lie on top of me and

keep me physically active or I'll die. "

Later, I found out a lot about

why he did things like that.

And chances are, man... they'll

believe it. Do you know why?

- To prove himself.

- Needed to prove himself.

Because they wanna believe it.

- Insecurity?

- Insecurity.

When you got out of hospital,

you had a nice surprise.

- Is that right?

- Yeah.

- You feel OK?

- Oh, a little weak.

- Don't look until I tell you to.

- OK.

Wait.

Now.

Big black Cadillac.

It's ours.

Where did you get the money? Insurance?

$7,000. A few more accidents

like this, and we're set for life.

Oh, it's beautiful! It's the most!

I love it. I really love it.

You should have seen the salesman.

He said "This car is the same kind Ike

and Dick drive in. " That's what he said.

"You take it from Fat Boy.

It's almost new. "

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