Lenny Page #6

---

to make a black kid cry

because somebody called him

a n*gger in school.

I am of Semitic background. I'm Jewish.

Now, a Jew, dictionary-style,

is one who is descended

from one of the tribes of Judea

or one who is regarded

to have descended from them.

But you and I know what a Jew really is:

One who killed our Lord!

I don't know if it got much

press coverage here on the West Coast

cos it was 2,000 years ago.

Although there should be a statute of

limitations, we're still paying the dues.

Why do you keep busting

our balls for this crime?!

"Why? Because you skirt the issue.

You blame it on Roman soldiers. "

I'm gonna clear the air once

and for all, and confess.

We did it. My family, I did it.

We found a note in the basement:

"We killed him", signed Morty.

Good thing we nailed him when we did,

because if we had done it within

the last 50 years, we'd have to contend

with generations

of parochial schoolkids

with little electric chairs

hanging around their necks.

- 1,000 a week?

- Yeah. That's right.

No. No, no. We want 13...

- Uh... 1500 a week minimum...

- 15?!

- .. guaranteed against a percentage.

- Percentage? What percentage?

- What percentage?

- Yeah.

Uh, 20 per cent?

Get outta here!

The guy's a fad, like Hula-Hoops.

Oh, I'm a f***ing fad? 30!

Look, uh... did I say 20 per cent?

I really meant to say 30 per cent.

30 per cent? I never paid an actor

30 per cent in my life.

Well, you know Lenny. He's, uh... crazy.

Crazy? Are you guys trying to screw me?

- Yes.

- How crazy can he be?

You pay me what I want

or I don't show up.

- Who is that?

- Pay Lenny or he don't go to work...

- What's going on there?

- Look, I'll call you back.

No, man, it's a lot of bullshit, man,

I'm just a comic.

Yeah, but for a nightclub comic,

you certainly have a great deal

of social impact.

No. Come on, man.

True. And people say you feel

a certain obligation to speak out

on subjects that would not normally...

No, no, no. That's not it at all.

I'm just trying to make a buck.

Oh, that's nice.

- You want some yoghurt?

- No, thank you.

- It's good for you. It's healthy.

- Well, that's good.

I really dig being up there. It's like I want

to recite a poem in front of everybody.

It's like you stand up

and everybody listens to you.

Your mother, your father.

They finally listen to you, man.

And they don't chase you outta the room.

Yeah, come in.

Hi. Oh, this is Artie Silver,

my manager.

This is... Sorry, I forgot your name again.

- John Santi.

- Mr Santi writes for Time magazine.

- Oh. Very good.

- Uh-huh.

Well, usually I don't like doing interviews,

but... I find you very interesting.

"Sick comic Lenny Bruce

whose jokes about the President... "

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

You know what's sick?

Zsa Zsa Gabor will get $60,000 a week

in Las Vegas, Nevada.

And schoolteacher salaries in that

state, top salary is $6,000 a year.

Now, that's really sick!

And that's the kind of "sick"

I wish they would have written about.

Or the fact that married guys have

to jack off more than anybody else!

It's true, and it's weird.

All over the country, thousands

of guys are lying on bathroom floors

whacking it off to Miss December!

Because the wife don't

want to touch it any more.

You can't stop masturbating gradually.

You got to do it cold jerky.

What's Time gonna say about that?

All right, how about

some more sick material, huh?

Integration.

Actually, I do have some guilt that

I don't do enough for integration.

I try to do my bit,

but it just doesn't seem to be enough.

They asked me to make

the marches, but I couldn't,

because it's always the same old crap.

Ray Charles bumping into

Stevie Wonder all day long.

I mean, it's the worst!

No. You don't have to applaud!

Really, it's really weird.

It's enough that you're listening.

It's strange.

I used to get fired for doing this, and,

like, now I'm getting a following, right?

Oh, come on.

Oh, it's embarrassing!

Just stop it.

Come on. I'm walking off here

if you don't stop right now!

I don't want any more applause.

No more love.

Why aren't you two standing?

Thanks.

You know, I been thinking.

I mean, I am totally corrupt.

I mean, really. My whole act. My whole

economic success, whatever that is,

is based solely on the existence

of segregation, violence,

despair, disease and injustice.

And if, by some miracle, the whole

world were suddenly tranquil, pure,

I'd be standing on

an unemployment line somewhere.

So you see, I'm not a moralist.

If I were, I'd be donating my salary

to those schoolteachers. Right?

I'm a hustler.

As long as they give, I'll grab.

While that was happening,

you were in prison?

- Yeah.

- Did he visit you?

Whenever he could.

And we wrote each other a lot.

- What kind of letters?

- Oh, here, I kept some of 'em.

Sh*t. They're here somewhere.

Anyway, they were about, um...

how sorry we both were.

I don't know, I guess I just

never thought of us as being divorced.

Oh, wow!

Oh. I got some terrific pictures of Kitty.

- Are you ready?

- Uh-huh.

You'll be surprised.

Oh... Go on.

She's getting so big, huh?

- Kitty on pony.

- Oh, that's cute.

Kitty with stuffed lion and friends.

Who's the chick?

A friend of Artie's.

- Do you believe that?

- No, but thanks for trying.

Hey, listen.

I got cited for meritorious behaviour,

and that means that if I'm good

I get 67 days knocked off my time.

- Can I see the album again?

- Yeah.

It must be wonderful to be, like, a star.

Something's bothering me

and I wanna talk about it.

Did you read about the, uh... Thanks.

.. the two schoolteachers who

were busted for homosexuality?

Right. This is an editorial

from this morning's newspaper

and I'm quoting directly from it.

I'll just read the last sentence:

"And let us make certain

that these sexual deviates

are never allowed

inside a classroom again. "

That's wrong. First, they were

busted for what they were doing

15 miles away from the school.

What's more important

is what came out at the trial

is that they're good teachers.

And do you know how long it takes

to make a good teacher?

I'll tell you something else.

There wasn't one incident reported

where a kid came home and said

"We had five minutes of geography,

10 minutes of cocksucking. "

Man, what is that?

And that's what happened the first time.

Dirty Lenny said a dirty word,

and they schlepped him away for it.

What makes you think you've got

the right to say a word like that?

What word is that? I said a lot of words.

You know what word I'm talkin' about.

It's against the law.

I didn't do it, man, I just said it.

Yeah. If you ever said it

in front of my wife or kid,

I'd punch you right out.

I really don't want to get involved in this.

Empty your pockets.

At first, I think he really enjoyed it.

You know, he got a lot of publicity.

I don't know if he enjoyed it or not.

Enjoyed it? Hell, no.

He was obsessed with it.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes