Leprechaun Page #3

But... But I-I'm smart.

Yeah, well, sort of.

What I mean is,

we could make you real smart.

That way, people won't

make fun of you.

- They make fun of me?

- Not in front of you.

Only behind your back.

Come on. Let's go the well.

Come on!

Um, wait. Here, start in the corners.

Nice, even strokes.

Wow. That's it.

- You got it.

- Not bad?

Yeah, yeah. A regular Picasso.

Put me out of business.

- Oh, need another can of paint.

- Oh, okay.

Well, you just watch how

a pro gets a can of paint.

All right. Let me get a rag first,

all right? Go ahead.

Oh...

Nathan.

Nathan, come on. What are you doing?

Oh, my God.

Oh, what was that?

Oh, geez.

Honey, are you okay?

I heard you scream.

I thought that was

you rubbing my leg.

- And you let me?

- That's not the point.

Something was rubbing my leg,

like caressing it,

and it ran off over there.

It's probably just an

old possum, honey.

No, Dad, that was

not an animal, okay?

I know what it feels like

when a man caresses my leg.

You do?

Look, we gotta get

these cuts cleaned up.

Yeah, I should probably go

look for that animal?

- Absolutely.

- Wait. Why?

- Might have rabies.

- Great.

It was a cat.

I think we found your

secret admirer, honey.

It wasn't a cat.

Sounds hurt. Come on,

kitty, kitty, kitty.

Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Come on, kitty. Come on.

Here kitty, kitty, kitty,

kitty, kitty, kitty.

Here kitty, kitty,

kitty, kitty, kitty.

Come on. Come on,

kitty, kitty, kitty.

What? What?

- What?

- The cat bit me!

- Oh, my God.

- Okay. Put pressure on it.

- It bit me! It bit me!

- Oh, my God!

- Stay there. Put pressure on it.

- Oh, my God!

It's gonna be okay, Dad.

We're gonna take you to the hospital.

- Truck. Ozzie, Alex!

- It bit me!

We're taking him to the

emergency room, all right?

Sit down, boy.

Aw, man.

- Oh, no!

- Come on.

- Alex!

- Shoot! The distributor cap.

Right.

Come on, come on!

Hey, guys, we may be a while, okay?

So why don't you go get

a bite to eat at the caf?

- We'll see you in a bit.

- All right.

- This is our chance.

- What, to get something to eat?

- No, to check out the gold coin.

- Oh, yeah.

- Come on. It's getting dark.

- Okay.

I have never seen a coin like this.

The symbols,

incredibly strange markings.

Cut to the chase. What's it worth?

Well, if this is solid gold,

could be worth $500.

But if there's historical value,

it could be priceless.

Could I keep this

overnight and study it?

You won't lose it or

anything, will ya?

No, no. I'll put it in my safe.

I'll write up a receipt.

You... You reckon that...

that coin

might've come from a leprechaun?

Never mind.

Okay, we'll come back tomorrow.

And let's just keep this between us.

- Okay.

- We better get to the restaurant.

They're gonna be pissed

we were gone so long.

I must be hearing things.

Well, okay. I'll get

this put away right now.

Three left. Right.

There we go.

I want me gold coin!

Me coin!

It's not nice to steal gold

coins from a leprechaun.

Bad shop owner. Bad shop owner.

I'll be back.

Now we're going to play.

Do you want to play with me?

Oh, no!

No!

This old lep, he played one

He played pogo on his lung

Teach you to steal me gold.

Aw.

Can't have dirty shoes, now, can we?

There. Nice and shiny.

Oh. You'll bounce back in no time.

One gold coin, 99 to go.

By the luck of the Irish.

Oh, won't you please

Be my four-leaf clover

Can you be my lucky charm

Are you sure you told Ozzie

and Alex where this place is?

I mean, they were

supposed to meet us here.

Relax. They're kids.

Probably just stopped off

to buy Ozzie a comic or something.

Boy, what a night.

My first day here, and my

father ends up in the hospital.

Well, it's just for observation.

He'll be fine in the morning.

Look on the bright side, Tory.

I mean, the worst is over.

Oh, won't you please

Say, aren't we a little

young to be out this late?

No. I'm 600 years old.

Okay, smartass.

Why don't you take that ridiculous

mask off and step out of the car?

It's not nice to make

fun of a leprechaun.

Is that so?

So now you're a leprechaun?

You sure you don't want anything?

No. I mean, yes, I do want something.

What I wanted was a watercress salad

and an Evian water,

but they don't have that here.

All they have is cheap

whiskey and warm beer.

Well, here's water.

Geez. Thanks.

Okay. Okay.

Get away from me, you little creep!

Get away!

Oh, God! Okay.

So, you want to play

hide-and-seek?

Over here!

I'm over here.

Stop.

Stop!

Leave me alone. Leave me alone.

Leave me alone!

Leave me alone!

No more.

No more.

Where the f*** are you?

Oh, thank God.

Thank God...

No! Oh, God!

Now, that was fun.

You know, Tory,

you look a little skinny.

No offense, but,

you should have some meatloaf.

- I got plenty, really.

- Oh, no.

- Do you know what that is?

- Yeah, it's meatloaf.

No, that's cut-up dead cow.

Okay? And that's if you're

lucky, in this place.

See, I don't eat meat,

and I don't kill living things.

- I feel very strongly about that.

- Really?

Really.

All right.

What are you... Nathan,

what are you doing?

Cut-up dead cow. That's what

your shoe is, you know?

Nathan, give me my shoe.

Nathan, give me my shoe back!

Come on! Look,

Alex and Ozzie are coming.

Would you try to set

a mature example?

Sorry we're late.

- Hey.

- Where have you been?

We were down over at that place.

Now, where's me crock of gold?

There.

Dad!

Daah! Bah!

I want me gold!

There.

- Geez.

- Oh, God.

What the...

Oh, my God.

I think something got in here.

No sh*t, Sherlock.

You better watch your

mouth and go wash it out

with soap right now, boy.

Sure. Sure.

And right after that, Ozzie,

I'll be sure to ground

myself for two weeks.

This is crazy.

- What the hell's going on here?

- Well, it could've been a bear.

They sometimes come down

from the hills looking for food.

Great. My dad had to bring

food into this place.

You know what? That leprechaun...

he tried to shine my shoes,

and he said he was a shoemaker.

Look, you guys can sit

around here and theorize...

bear or no bear...

but I am getting out of here.

As a matter of fact,

I'm walking out that door,

and I'm not coming back.

A little too dark out there.

All right. Let's clean

this place up, all right?

Here. You know how to

work one of these, right?

Okay. Fellas.

Man!

Well, we finally got that

kitchen straightened up.

Yeah. I'm really beginning to

get the hang of this thing.

- What's that?

- Sounds like a bell.

Look what I found.

- Great, Ozzie.

- Great.

I'm gonna go check out the bedrooms,

find out where we're

gonna stay tonight.

Oh, great. While you do that,

I'm gonna find my purse

and check into a hotel.

Alex,

do you think you could

kill a leprechaun?

Ozzie, you can kill anything.

You just gotta know how to do it.

Now, me? Give me a .357 Magnum,

press it to the little

green critter's temple,

and blam!

Brains and guts and

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