Lesbian Vampire Killers Page #2

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Cragwi... Cragwich?

It's spelled A-D-V-N-T-U-R-E, my friend.

Christ, you're a tit!

[Inhales, exhales] Get that?

- Country air. Nothing like it.

- [Cow mooing]

Smells like normal air

with cow sh*t in it.

Exactly. Nothing like the

pervading stench of faeces

to take your mind off your troubles.

[Birds cawing]

Have you brought anything besides beer?

You're expecting a

water bomb fight or something?

[Flies buzzing]

[Cell phone buzzing]

- Hello?

- [Judy] Jimmy, it's me.

- Judy?

- Yes! Look, Jimmy.

I've been thinking, and I realise

I've made a terrible mistake.

I want to come back, Jimmy.

I... love you.

- What?

- I love you!

- Hello?

- [Judy speaking indistinctly]

I can't hear... Hello?

- [Mouthing words]

- Judy?

I'll drive to meet you.

We can talk, the two of us.

We can work everything out.

When I get there,

you can wear my panties.

- Why'd you do that?

- We are here to hike.

But... I can't f***ing believe

you just done that!

OK, maybe I did overreact

a bit, and I'm sorry.

I'll, um, buy you another one. Jim...

Jim!

[Panting] Hold up a minute.

[Coughing, groaning]

[Flatulence, coughs]

Can't we take a little rest?

I'm getting a stitch.

We've only been walking

for three minutes.

Yeah, but you're not walking.

You're virtually running.

It's like you're in a mood with me.

- I can't imagine why. Can you?

- You're getting a real attitude.

- Oh, f*** off.

- No, you f*** off.

I've dragged my arse

to some leafy sh*t-hole

I can't even pronounce, for you,

and look how ungrateful you're being.

Ungrateful? You stamped on my phone

whilst Judy was trying to make up.

What? Like the last seven times?

You're a mental case holding out

for that serial dumper

to have you back for the... drum roll,

please... eighth f***ing time.

That's why we're here

rather than somewhere

it might be remotely possible

to engage a solitary woman

in so much as a polite conversation.

- There might be girls.

- Will there? Balls.

- [Door shuts]

- [Women laughing]

[ Wolfmother:
Woman]

Woman

You know you

Woman

You got to be a

Woman

I've got the feeling of love

When you're talking to me

You see right through me

I've got the feeling of love

She's a woman, you know what I mean

You better listen, listen to me

She's gonna set you free

Oh, oh, yeah

- What are the chances?

- [Women laughing]

Come on, Jim.

They came from there.

- Yeah. So?

- "So"?

Are you some kind of eunuch

or something?

Not bad enough that woman's robbed you

of brains, but testicles and all.

I'm sorry.

I'm claiming your testicles back.

No... Not that I literally

want your test...

That's just sick. Look.

They're just the beginning.

These small, rural places

are renowned for breeding

the crme de la crme of the

female form. It's the fresh air.

They go a bundle for city boys like

you and me. Impressive we are, mate.

I guarantee this place will be

wall to wall with rosy-cheeked

English country maidens,

like that lot, but even dirtier.

[Objects clatter]

- [Sheep bleats]

- [Up-tempo music plays]

It's like some sort of medieval gay bar.

Don't sweat it.

The womenfolk are all off

braiding their hair

in some kind of naked fertility

ceremony or something.

That village green will be full

of heaving tits by sundown.

- These guys look weird.

- [Whispering] Just relax.

They're just blokes, like you and I.

They like a beer,

enjoy a scented candle.

They're my kind of people.

I can relate. Stick with me.

Good morrow.

Two flagons of ale, please, sir.

There you go.

Compliments of the house, lads.

Thank you.

[Sheep bleats]

Keep it together, mate.

Keep it together.

I'm just a bit worried

I'm going to get raped.

So how many more, Tom?

How many more?

Don't you be all high and mighty

with me, vicar.

We have to stop this madness.

- Reckon that's his daughter?

- If it's not, that's one dirty vicar.

We can't let more

innocent people die!

- Then what? Then they'll come for us!

- Oh. Hi.

Don't you see they have us already?

Our women are cursed,

and we are spineless fools

who let it happen.

I know it's hard, vicar, what with

your Rebecca turning 18...

Eighteen? Love it.

Together we can stop this.

You are either with me or against me.

What a tosser.

Who is with me?

No, it can't be.

No, that's impossible.

- It can't be you. What is your name?

- Hey, this cost 25 quid, mate!

- That is enough, Father. Enough!

- Daddy!

Come, child.

Does he know you? Have you been

hanging out with vicars?

- Never seen him before in my life.

- Sorry about that, lads.

Here you go.

No hard feelings, eh?

Sorry for the vicar.

He's a strange sort.

If you lads want a bed for the night,

there be a cottage,

the old Mircalla place,

not two miles down the road.

Oh, that's great, but how much is it?

- We're a bit light on the old...

- Money.

Oh, it don't cost nothing.

The doors are always open.

Any weary traveller

can expect a nice, long rest.

You, sir, are a scholar and a gent.

If there's one thing I like more

than free booze, it's a free bed.

Thank you very much.

Might be a bit

of a tight squeeze, though.

I sent some beautiful young girls

down there not too long ago.

[ Ida Maria:
I Like You So Much Better

When You're Naked]

Take off your clothes

Come on, take 'em off

I like you so much better

when you're naked

I like me so much better

when you're naked

I like you so much better

when you're naked

[song continues indistinctly]

- [Truck engine sputtering]

- I like you so much...

What's wrong with it?

Come on, come on. [stuttering]

Don't break down on us now. Come on!

- [Engine sputters, dies]

- Come on! What?

[Engine failing]

[Gasps]

- Come on!

- That'll really help, Lotte.

- We're screwed.

- Ja.

Great. We're in the middle of nowhere,

miles from anywhere.

Are you sure you put petrol in?

- [Lotte] Anke, for the fifth time, yes.

- [Anke] Just checking.

Well, let us walk to the cottage.

We must be close.

The landlord said

it was only a few miles.

- Ja.

- We're closer to the inn.

We should go get help.

Ja. Ja.

I'm only going back there with knives.

Those men were freaky.

- I think we should stay with the van.

- Ja.

- [Scraping noises]

- Oh...

- [noises continue]

- Do you hear that?

- What is it?

- [Gasps]

[Lotte] There's something out there.

- Stop scaring us, Lotte.

- Ja.

- [Clattering]

- Listen, listen!

It's coming from the roof!

- It is probably just a branch.

- A branch?

Ja.

[Exhales deeply]

- I told you!

- [All laughing]

[All screaming]

- Evening, ladies.

- Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.

Excuse us.

Our van just broke down,

- and we were a little bit spooked.

- Seems OK now.

Anyhow, hi, I'm Lotte.

This is Anke, Heidi and Trudi.

Hello, Lotte, Andy, Eric. Hello, girls.

- Beer?

- Oh,ja!

Ja, ja, ja!

You're my type of girl.

[Fletch, women laughing]

The name's Fletch.

- What's your name?

- That's my man, Jimmy.

He's had his heart broken. It's tragic.

- [Women] Oh!

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