Lesbian Vampire Killers Page #3

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- It's just tragic. Really is.

- Hello, Jimmy.

- All right.

So, what are four lovely ladies like

you doing here on a night like this?

We're on our way

to the Mircalla cottage.

[Wheezing laughter]

There's an uncanny stroke of luck!

These girls are all going to the exact

same cottage that we are.

[Women shrieking]

- Yes! Yes!

- Yes! Yes!

Great.

- Do you want to ride with us?

- Thanks. That's very nice of you.

- [Heidi] Oh, yeah!

- Take a seat.

When in Rome. [chuckles]

- Be careful. You know what happens.

- Relax. It's fine.

- [Anke] OK, let's go.

- [Coughing]

[Women laughing]

A couple of young fellows

were in here not an hour ago.

Directed them towards the cottage

not a couple of miles down the road.

What? Just carry on down the road?

There you go, miss. Carry straight

on down, and you can't fail to see it.

Now, she was a pretty one.

They always are, Sidney.

Sirens. Cold, bewitching demons,

every last one of them.

- [Spits]

- [Cuspidor clangs]

Pint, Jack?

- Wow. This place is amazing!

- Oh, I love it!

- Oh, cool!

- They got beers!

- Can we actually move here?

- [Women exclaiming]

- Yes!

- Yes, let's move in!

[Grunting]

[All chattering, exclaiming]

- [ Arrow:
Hot Hot Hot]

- Let's party!

- We need Schnapps!

- Rack 'em up! Rack 'em up!

- [Women chattering]

- All right! Yes!

J man, bottoms up!

- Bottoms up!

- C*cks in.

- [Anke] Oh, yummy!

- Let's dance!

Oh!

Feelin' hot, hot, hot

Feelin hot, hot, hot

This might be the best night

of my entire f***ing life!

Room for the Fletchmeister? Yes? Yes?

[Chattering, exclaiming]

Let me rum bum bum bum

Let me rum bum bum bum

I love hiking!

Ol, ol, ol, ol

Ol, ol, ol, ol

Let me rum bum bum bum

- Let me rum bum bum bum

- Take your clothes off!

- Take your clothes off!

- Feelin hot, hot, hot

Feelin hot, hot, hot

- Do you know of Carmilla?

- [Gasps]

- Uh, no. Is that who it is?

- Yes.

- Carmilla. She's why we're all here.

- Eh?

We're students of folklore and ancient

superstition. We're on a field trip.

This village is home to the legend

of Carmilla, the vampire queen.

- Vampire queen?

- According to legend,

she's much, much more than

just your average vampire queen.

Some say she's 2,000 years old.

You believe in that

Dungeons & Dragons rubbish?

Where I grew up,

we're very superstitious.

Cragwich is particularly

fascinating to me.

The book of folklore tells

the story of this village,

and what Carmilla did to it

and its daughters.

Even the bravest man shrinks in fear,

and the bravest woman

quivers with desire

at the mere mention of her name.

Carmilla, the vampire queen.

[ Whigfield:
Saturday Night]

Saturday, Saturday

- Hey! Jimmy Peon!

- Saturday night

Come on. Get a beer. Get involved.

It is your turn to go

with the larger one.

Saturday night

Saturday night

- Too many beers. I need a piss.

- The bog's outside.

What? It's... It's dark out there.

Heidi, are you afraid

Carmilla will get you?

- Anke, don't be mean.

- OK, OK, I'm sorry.

- Don't worry. I will go with her.

- [Shrieks] Stop it!

- Saturday night

- Watch this. Here come the beers.

- Here come the beers. Ja?

- Ooh, ja!

He's a weird guy, Fletch, eh?

She's pretending to bum me.

Oh, his heart's in the right place.

It's just a shame

his brain's in his dick.

- [Heidi] Think his ying yang is big?

- [Anke] Ying yang?

[Shivering]

I like you so much better

when you're naked

I like you so much

better when you're naked

All right. Which one do you want, then?

Haven't thought about it.

Oh! You are such a f***ing ponce, James.

Which one do you fancy?

Which one do you like the most?

- Just answer the question.

- All right, then. Lotte.

- She seems really nice and friendly.

- Mm-hmm.

And it's like

she's got this pure spirit.

She's just really sweet.

She's got the prettiest eyes.

It's like looking into bottomless pools.

- And you?

- Trudi.

Massive tits, never speaks.

[Sniffing]

[Sniffs] Yeah, Trudi, you stink.

Ja. Ja.

[Sniffs] Oh,ja.

[Anke] Hurry up!

[Female voice whispering] Anke.

- Anke?

- [Clattering, thudding]

- Anke, stop it. It isn't funny.

- [Voice whispering] Heidi.

[Light crackling]

F***!

Anke, answer me now. It's not funny.

[Clattering continues]

Anke!

Anke?

Anke? Anke!

[Roars]

Why are they taking so long?

She's probably just having

a massive sh*t.

[Music winds down, stops]

[Moaning]

- [Creaking]

- [Woman's voice] Trudi.

Trudi.

[Thudding footfalls]

- [Moaning continues]

- [Woman] Trudi.

- Trudi.

- [Gasping]

- [Moaning]

- [Floor creaking]

[Screams]

- [Growls]

- [Screaming continues]

[Gasps] Quickly!

- Trudi! We've got to get in there!

- [Objects shattering]

OK. Stand back.

Christ. That thing is rock-solid.

- I must have weakened it.

- Yeah, right.

- Look.

- Blood.

[Woman] Come.

What was that?

I don't know, but let's go find out.

- Is she serious?

- We have to do something, don't we?

This is all getting a bit weird: Women

missing, towels covered in blood.

- It's more of a light spotting.

- Oh, that's all right, then.

We heard her in here,

and now she's nowhere.

- That is very f***ing weird.

- Agreed, but we have to find Trudi.

- You like Trudi, don't you?

- Not that much.

That's just weak, man.

For Christ's sake.

[Engine sputtering]

Oh, God! [yells]

For God's sake!

I only got it seen to last week.

Oh, my... Oh, come on!

Sh*t! [exclaiming]

[Jimmy] Hi. You're through to Jimmy.

Please leave a message.

[Exclaims] You are so dead, Jimmy!

[Woman whispering] Judy.

Judy. Judy.

Anke!

Heidi? Trudi?

- Anything?

- No.

Ah, well. Looks like she's gone.

Head back inside, eh? Cup of tea?

- Told you there was no one out here.

- Trudi?

Probably just gone for a walk

or... something.

Let's head inside.

I've still got some beers.

- Oh, sh*t!

- [Woman breathing heavily]

[Woman whispering] Lotte.

- It's over there.

- I heard it too.

Look. I know something really wrong

is happening here,

but is there any chance

we can just ignore it?

[Jimmy] Fletch! Come on!

[Woman breathing heavily continues]

[Moaning]

It's impossible. It cannot be. Vampires.

- Vampires?

- Vampires?

[Whispering] Lesbian vampires.

Nice one.

- [Roaring]

- [Gasps, yells]

[Groans] F***ing hell, she's strong.

- Jimmy!

- [Roars]

- Sh*t.

- Jimmy!

[Groaning]

- [Liquid sloshing]

- [Gasping]

[Grunting] She's not so strong now.

[Moaning]

Ah! Rank!

[Flatulence]

- [Liquid gurgling]

- Is that it?

No explosion or...

...turning into burning ash or...

Nothing, no?

Frankly, I'm a bit disappointed.

I'm just glad she's dead.

I can hold out for fireworks.

The legends... they're true.

This is madness.

- What's become of my friends?

- [Woman, softly] Lotte.

Oh, crap.

- Join us.

- Join us.

Ja.

I think they want you to say something.

- Never.

- [Snarling]

Don't think they wanted you to say that.

F*** this! Run, you bellends!

[Vampires snarling]

Come on, you silly f***ers!

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