Lesbian Vampire Killers Page #4

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- [Snarling]

- [Gasping]

Now you will join us.

Hmm.

- Get in.

- [Vampires exclaiming]

Oh, my God! Did you see that?

That might be the coolest thing

I've done in my entire f***ing life.

I've always been good at cricket.

Maybe it's my guns.

- Fletch, please shut up.

- Sorry, I'm just nervous.

They'd have eaten us alive.

This is f***ed up!

Where did they go?

[Woman] Before sunrise,

you will all belong to us.

Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

What are we going to do?

- We're going to die horribly.

- For Christ sake. You're not helping.

- Calm down. Have a beer.

- We need to get out of here!

- Come up with a plan then, Einstein.

- Hold on. The van.

The van. Good plan. Great plan.

- Genius.

- [Object clattering]

I don't even want to know.

- What are we going to do now?

- [Lotte grunts]

Stakes. Lots of sharp stakes.

Arm ourselves with anything we can

plunge through their hearts.

Again, great idea. Like it.

Plunging sharp objects. Hell-whore

hearts. Let's f***ing have it.

- [Pounding]

- [Lotte gasps]

- Saturday night, I feel...

- [pounding continues]

[CD skipping]

- [Judy] Jimmy!

- Judy?

What? Don't open

the f***ing door! Jesus!

- Judy, get in, quick.

- Oh, my God!

- What the hell is going on?

- What are you doing here?

- Something was chasing me.

- Vampires.

- What?

- Yep. Lesbian vampires.

- How ridiculous.

- No.

Just another of God's cruel tricks

to get on my tits.

Even dead women would sooner sleep

with each other than get with me.

- But eating me alive? Oh, that's fine.

- Lesbian vampires?

Next time he'll have me bummed

by a big gay werewolf, I swear.

Come on. We need to lie down.

- Who's that?

- Oh, it's Jimmy's ex.

She keeps breaking up with him,

getting him back,

breaking up with him,

getting him back, you know?

- I hate her.

- Me too.

Man, this pisses me off.

I've been saving myself

for the right man,

someone I can really have feelings for.

- I finally meet him, and...

- What, you like Jimmy?

Yes, I do.

But between her and the vampires,

I'll probably die a virgin tonight.

[Chuckles]

[Stuttering] You're a virgin?

- Um, yeah.

- [Exhales]

[Wind whistling]

Oh, for God's sake, girl.

Cover yourself up.

Daddy, I'm not a child any more.

- Don't try me, girl.

- Oh!

Jimmy, I know you have

every right to hate me,

but I just want you to know

that I'm so happy

you let me through the door.

Well, I don't hate you.

Well, not completely.

I just don't know what

I keep doing you don't like.

It's not you, Jimmy. It's me.

I'm glad you realise that,

because if this is gonna work,

- you're gonna have to change.

- Oh, I've changed.

But how... How do I know that?

How can I trust you? You're gonna

have to show me you're different.

Oh, I'm different.

- [Snarls]

- [Gasps]

Give me one... last... kiss.

- [Shouts]

- [Gasps]

Huh?

- [Yells]

- [Yelps]

[Screaming]

[Wheezing]

- [Shouting]

- [Screaming]

Probably best you remember her

the way she was, mate.

A complete f***ing b*tch. Aah.

Mate, thanks for saving my life.

Hey, you know me, fella.

I got your back.

Always have, always will.

- Right, got 'em.

- What are you doing?

- What do you think?

- What, Lotte was gonna...

You know what they say

about extreme situations.

And this, as I keep pointing out, my

friend, is an extreme f***ing situation.

- Bit seedy, isn't it?

- She's worried she'll die a virgin,

and frankly, I'm willing to take

any opportunity I can get.

Emotional vulnerability, fear of

imminent death, vampire attacks.

- Screw it. I don't give a sh*t. Hi.

- [Footsteps approaching]

How are you doing?

- What happened?

- Oh, God. Um...

[clears throat] As I suspected,

- Judy was a vampire.

- We killed her.

Fantastic.

- Um, I'm going for a piss.

- What, outside?

Do I look like a twat?

- [Snarling]

- [Gasping]

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, gosh!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Why aren't they coming in?

Judy walked in.

No, they have to be invited in.

You invited Judy in.

Oh.

So all we have to do

is sit tight till morning.

I mean, It's not like I'm gonna say,

"Hey, lesbian vampires,

come into my cottage", is it? Oh, sh*t!

Under full-on lesbian vampire attack?

Still got it, fella.

Look, I was being ironic.

Guys?

[Hisses]

McLaren.

- She knows my name.

- That's not a good sign.

[Sniffs] She is pure.

- [Screams]

- Fletch!

When in Rome...

[voices whispering]

- Get away from him.

- F*** off!

[Zipper unzips]

- [Groaning]

- [Snarling]

[Screeches]

- Nice.

- Get her into the shower.

Quick! Quick!

- [Screams]

- Quick! Turn it on!

Our Father, who art in heaven,

hallowed be Thy name.

Thy kingdom come,

Thy will be done on earth...

Give us this day... Push her back!

She must stay underwater.

Push her back!

Push her back under.

- Oh, God!

- Keep her under! Don't let her go!

And lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from evil,

as we forgive those

who trespass against us...

- F*** off!

- Keep going.

F***ing hell! [shouting]

For Thine is the kingdom.

Jesus compels you!

Oh, God, I love Jesus!

I love you, Jesus.

- And the glory forever.

- All things bright and beautiful!

- Forever and ever.

- [Screaming]

Amen.

[Shouting] What the f***?

We need to go quickly.

Your friends have already been taken.

- Ah, shite.

- There's no time to waste. Let's go!

Hang on. How did you know

all this was happening?

You and your friends

were sent as sacrifices.

It's an age-old deal,

where the villagers supply fresh blood.

In return, they get to keep

their cowardly hides.

So we were just a light buffet

for a bunch of hot dykes?

To my shame, yes. Your friend's

arrival in our hamlet is no coincidence.

It's divine intervention

fulfilling a primordial prophecy.

- Balls!

- Does he bear a birthmark?

- Five red scratches around here?

- Yeah.

His bloodline is the key

to the resurrection

of the purest evil known to mankind:

Carmilla, the vampire queen.

Eh?

Paradoxically, the only thing

that can lift this village

from a centuries-old curse

that turns every woman

on her 18th birthday into a vampire.

My daughter, Rebecca,

becomes 18 within hours.

Right. Look,

I know you mean well. I really do.

And I love the vibe.

You look amazing. But...

I've seen weird sh*t, and even under

these circumstances this is a stretch.

Jimmy's not the Messiah.

He can barely wipe his own arse.

I understand your confusion.

Let's be on our way.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, Daddy-o. Go where?

- Back to the village. No time to waste.

- F*** that noise.

- I'm sorry?

- I'm not going back out there.

I've nearly been eaten three times

by the hottest women I've ever met.

Starting to become a bind.

But it's not too late to save your

friends, this village, the entire world!

Yeah, well, you know,

best of luck with it.

- I hope you get on all right.

- Are you f***ing with me?

- Are you allowed to swear?

- Shut up.

You telling me you'd let eternal

darkness sweep over this entire planet

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