Lesbian Vampire Killers Page #5

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and leave your friends to die?

Your friends?

Well, I only really know Jimmy.

I just met the girl tonight. So...

OK. Stay here and die.

Oh...

What's with all the scratches?

The cruciform.

It drives the beasts away.

- It looks sh*t.

- Just get in.

OK, scratch master.

Where the f*** are we going?

The tomb of your friend's

great ancestor.

Fletch!

[Voice echoing] Sisters,

a moment that has infested

our dreams and our desires

for what seems like an eternity...

...is finally upon us.

[Moans]

For this night,

the last of the McLaren clan shall fall,

and our queen shall rise again.

- Carmilla?

- The vampire queen?

- [Grunts]

- Sorry. Carry on.

So his blood mixed with

my virgin blood brings her back?

You know a lot, pretty one.

I've heard of Carmilla,

but never have I heard of you.

Obviously you're not evil enough

to even make the history books.

[Gasps]

Well...

[sniffs]... soon she will know of you.

And with her resurrection,

this land will be ensnared forever

in the dawn of the red moon.

[Mouthing]

McLaren, these are your

final moments on earth.

Oh. Mmm.

[Vampires moaning]

The final resting place

of Baron Wolfgang McLaren III.

Jimmy's the reason

I ended up in this sh*t-hole?

He is our salvation and our only hope.

The prophesy foretold of when the last

of the McLaren clan would return.

With his blood and that of a virgin,

Carmilla shall rise again.

Concealed within this tomb is the weapon

that can slay the beast forever:

The sword of Daeldo.

- And what's that, then?

- Daeldo, the god of lust,

said to be Carmilla's arch demonic foe

in the underworld of Hades.

A hideous multi-tentacled beast.

The only being brave enough

to have tried to penetrate

Carmilla's vilest depths,

and paid for it with his life.

Let me get this straight.

Your plan is,

wait for this b*tch to be resurrected,

stake her with the sword of whatever,

thus rescuing my mate, curing

your daughter, ending the curse

- and saving the planet.

- Exactly. So, are you with me?

Not really. I ain't got much

f***ing choice, have I?

- [Bell tolls]

- [Gasps]

You do this.

I need to check on my Rebecca.

What? Now I've got to unearth a corpse?

- Concealed within this tomb is...

- Yeah, yeah. Save me the monologues.

This is officially

the worst holiday ever.

[Grunts]

- So there's a red moon, right?

- Forget about the red moon.

She said the last McLaren will fall.

Yeah, I kind of missed that bit.

Oh. Well...

- That'll be me, then. Oh, bollocks.

- Shut up. I'm thinking.

What can you be thinking about

at a time like this?

- How we are going to escape.

- Fantastic. Any ideas?

- No, have you?

- Not a f***ing sausage.

Come on, think!

I'm too busy shitting myself

to come up with a daring escape plan.

- [Branches creaking]

- [Panting]

- You're cute.

- What?

It's our first argument.

Vic, we're doomed.

That ain't opening.

Move.

[Hissing, groaning]

In my defence,

I only tried that side, so...

[groaning]

- You go down there, my boy.

- Excuse me?

- There's no time to waste. Hurry up.

- Well, you go down, then.

Oh, my... Unbelievable.

It's not my daughter.

- Can you see the sword?

- Give me a minute, please.

It's my first time

in a tomb... grave... stone.

[Laughing]

What? What is it?

It's nothing.

[Laughing]

- What's so funny in there?

- [Laughing continues]

It's got a big metal cock for a handle.

Grow up! The handle draws on

the power of the demon Daeldo,

rendering this blade alone capable

of destroying her once and for all.

- What? How?

- It just does, OK?

We're gonna go there,

and we're gonna to die, right?

All because you insist some sword,

with a metal cock on the end,

can save the world?

- You're a disgrace.

- At least I can see the funny side.

Let's get on with the job. I'll load up

on weapons. You cover the baron up.

[Fletch] Will you just admit

it does look like a cock?

- [Grunting, straining]

- Jimmy, can I tell you something?

- Have you come up with a plan?

- No, I'm still thinking.

I think we're running out of time.

I just wanted to say that had we met

under different circumstances,

I would've liked to have gotten

to know you.

- Really?

- Yes.

In fact, even though we've just spent

a few hours together,

I feel like I've known you forever.

- Really?

- Yes.

I thought you might have

picked up on my signals.

Signals? What signals?

What did I miss?

Jimmy, I love you.

- Well, that's just f***ing great.

- I didn't mean to upset you.

- On the brink of death, you say that?

- I can't die without letting you know

you're the first man I could

share myself with completely.

- Oh, for Christ's sake.

- I would've given you everything:

My mind, soul and body.

- And body. Hmm.

- And now that'll never be.

- It is time. [hisses]

- [Jimmy] Oh, God!

- That's my penis.

- Get off him, you b*tch! He's mine!

[Exhaling heavily]

Wow.

What? What did you just say?

You called me a what?

I'm a fat piece of what?

[Exclaiming]

No one messes with the Fletchmeister

and his cock sword.

Oh, hello.

Um, I wasn't doing, um...

Star Wars is not, uh...

Aah! Chewie. I wasn't... [clears throat]

What are you doing out?

You probably shouldn't be out here.

I know.

- So, it's your birthday?

- Today.

It's just gone midnight.

All... grown... up.

- So you're 18?

- Uh-huh.

- But Daddy wouldn't approve anyway.

- Oh.

- [Snarls, gasps]

- [Sword thrusts]

[Gasping]

Daddy!

[Vicar] Fletch!

- Ready?

- Yep.

We have little time.

My Rebecca will soon be taken.

Yep.

[All moaning, hissing]

You have his eyes.

I used to love those eyes.

Until I learned how pathetic men are.

- [Gasps]

- [Exclaiming]

Mmm! Exquisite.

I will bleed you slowly and

let Carmilla feed upon your flesh

while it is still warm in your veins.

- [ Amazing Grace plays]

- Amazing grace

Look, the moon bleeds.

The resurrection has begun.

Here. Holy water.

It's like a f***ing

hand grenade of acid.

- You said "f***ing" again.

- So?

- It's weird.

- Get over it.

There's no need to panic, my friend.

Just stay close to me.

I'm well-versed in the knowledge

of killing vampires.

Yeah, so is everyone. Stakes, garlic,

beheading, holy water, sunlight...

There's not a f***er alive

who doesn't know that.

- Really?

- Yeah.

It's in books, films, telly.

It's pretty common knowledge.

Were you expecting many

sexual encounters, my friend?

Water bomb fight.

So where's this resurrection

likely to be happening?

In there. The crypt of Carmilla.

[Fletch] I knew you were gonna say that.

Never going to be somewhere

un-scary-sounding,

like the garden or scullery?

- "Scullery" is quite scary.

- Eh?

"Scullery" has got

the word "skull" in it.

As opposed to the crypt, which has

got corpses in it. Well observed.

Remember this:
They can die fast

or they can die slow,

but they have to die.

- Can't we do this in the morning?

- It may be too late for your friends.

- It will be too late for Rebecca.

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