Lesbian Vampire Killers Page #6

---

- No, I'm good.

Well, this is it.

Good luck, Fletch.

Let's try to come back alive.

Vic...

If I don't make it out of this,

there's one thing I want you to know:

I blame you entirely.

So this is how your bloodline ends:

Crying like a baby.

Begging for your life. [laughs]

- Please...

- Jimmy, pull yourself together.

- Don't give her the satisfaction.

- No.

You'll give me my satisfaction.

Lotte, just so you know,

before she turns you,

I found you really attractive,

pre-vampirism.

- You did?

- [Hisses]

[Vampires groaning]

- We have an escape plan.

- What?

Fletch will save us.

Fletch? He's f***ing useless.

We're dead meat.

- Hey! You cheeky prick.

- Fletch!

- [All snarling]

- Although, to be fair,

if I could've avoided being here,

I would've.

[All gasping]

Oh, damn.

- I told you he was f***ing useless.

- [Laughing]

- Damn, damn!

- You ever fired that thing before?

- First time.

- Watch and weep. So!

You clam-lappers fancy

a piece of me then, do you?

- Come on, then.

- Kill them.

- [All snarling]

- Oh, f***!

Oh, wait up. F*** this.

Your friend's blood

has already been drawn.

- The resurrection has begun.

- We gotta get out of here.

We can't. Darkness is upon us.

Your friends, Rebecca...

I reckon I can

probably live with that.

...and the entire f***ing world!

You know how to put a guilt trip on,

don't you, you f***er?

Right. [strains] Let's do this.

- It'll be OK.

- How can this be OK?

All I wanted to do was enjoy life.

Hike, get some fresh air, a few pints.

But no. Nothing's as simple

as that, is it?

And now we're gonna end up dead.

Well, I'm gonna end up dead.

You'll be a lesbian.

And I've not even made love to a man.

Oh!

The crypt is through here.

- Fletch!

- Spiritus Sancti.

- Fletch!

- [Vampires snarling]

- Spiritus sancti.

- Hurry up!

- [Lotte] Jimmy?

- Back, you spawn of Satan.

- Fletch?

- How you been?

Up and down.

[Growling]

- There's only one solution now.

- The big cock sword.

- What?

- Long story.

- Hand me the sword of Daeldo.

- Haven't you got it?

I thought you had it.

You're going on about

how important it is.

All we've got to do is wait

for this b*tch to rise, stab her,

- and you forgot the sword?

- Get it. I'll keep 'em off.

- Tell Rebecca I love her.

- About Rebecca...

- Run, you fool!

- All right!

Jesus!

- Whores of f***ing Hades.

- [Growling] Annihilate him.

[All snarling]

Prepare for f***ing death! [shouts]

[Fletch] Come on, you silly f***ers!

- [Fletch] Lotte!

- It's playtime, darling.

[Shouts]

Mmm! You are a feisty one.

I like it. Aah!

- It won't budge.

- I have to help her.

It's not gonna work.

- What is it with you and doors?

- Let's ram it.

[Grunts, struggling]

Mmm! You taste divine.

- Keys.

- Vicar's got them.

- What?

- Know how to hotwire a hearse?

- Yeah, no worries.

- Brilliant. Let's go.

- Of course I don't, you idiot.

- Sh*t.

First I'm going to torture you,

then I'm going to turn you.

- You'll be my plaything.

- Never!

That's it, then.

The problem with you, James,

you're a pessimist.

You might want to grab weapons.

We could be in for a ruck.

[Screaming]

Come on!

- That sword's got a cock for a handle.

- It's funny, isn't it?

It's the only thing that'll

destroy that psycho b*tch.

It's very powerful and very ancient.

- Sort of gay.

- So get your own f***ing sword.

[Whispering voices]

[Heart beating]

I knew you would not resist me forever.

[Cries out]

Sorry, you're not my type.

- Whoo-hoo!

- [Female voice] Lotte.

- Bollocks.

- Fletch.

- [Straining]

- [Sword vibrating]

- [Growling]

- Oh, my God!

McLaren.

- Jimmy!

- Throw it like you mean it!

Un-f***ing-believable!

[Gasping]

[Beating]

[Screaming]

[Cock crows]

Is somebody taking the piss?

The sword of Daeldo

is a mighty weapon indeed.

Looks like the vic was right.

Everyone seems to know what's

going on bar me. What just happened?

It's all cock swords and scary stuff

and history and that.

- I'll tell you later.

- Tell me now.

- I will.

- When?

Mate, do you want to calm down?

I've had a bit of a busy night.

I'll tell you in a minute.

- Whoa.

- No, look. Sunlight.

- [Women groaning]

- The curse has lifted.

- So they're not vampires anymore?

- No.

Cool. Are they still lesbians?

For f***'s sake.

Uh...

Unbelievable.

Save the day, not even a kiss.

Do you know what? Actually, forget it.

Forget it. Forget it. Let it go.

Let it go, Fletch.

You're the bigger man.

[Engine grinds, starts]

Whoa! That's some mighty fine

hotwiring skills you got there, lady.

Thanks. Right. Now what?

Don't know. Go home?

Go home? They've taken my friends,

they very nearly took our lives,

and we never even dreamed

they existed before tonight.

How can we just go home to our beds?

- What's she talking about?

- Uh...

This village is free,

but more creatures like Carmilla lurk

in the dark corners of the world.

No one would believe us if we tell.

We are the only people

who know the truth.

We must go out there

and fight this menace.

Are you suggesting we become

lesbian vampire killers?

If that's what it takes, ja.

Well, I ain't got anything else on

in particular at the moment, so I'm in.

- Jim?

- I don't know.

Oh, come on. It's in your blood,

your destiny, all that sh*t.

- Huh?

- I'll tell you later.

- Come on. You might as well.

- Join us.

Lesbian vampire killers, it is.

Let's ride.

- [Laughing]

- Whoo-hoo!

[Laughing, cheering continues]

[Howling]

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes