Liberal Arts

1

You know,

high school to college,

it can be a big transition,

especially if you're not

from the city,

so-so we try to help out

with that transition

in a number of ways.

Wow, that's a real

accomplishment.

Congratulations.

I mean, you're not in yet,

but...

no, things are looking

pretty good.

We do an all-campus picnic,

which is a nice way

for the incoming students

to acclimate themselves

to the college.

For me, the most exciting thing

about this place is the classes.

So you don't want to go

to college?

You know, I'm not up to date

on the course catalog.

One of the great things

about this school is, you know,

you have a campus

called New York City.

Greatest city in the world,

they say.

I thought your essay was-

was interesting.

A spell-check might be nice

on these essays.

Planning on taking

your boards again?

Love those extracurriculars.

Have you heard

about the meal plan?

Fantastic.

Where do you see things going,

you know,

after-after college?

Hey!

Mm, mm, mm-hmm

Hmm, mm

Look at how life

has gone today

My sweet love is gone away

My sweet love is gone today

My sweet love

is gone away now

Mm, mm

Look at how life

has gone away

My sweet love is gone away

My sweet love is gone today

My sweet love

is gone away now

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm

Yours or mine?

Mine.

You can have it if you want,

though.

Is that a new shirt?

Uh, yeah, it is.

Do you like it?

Don't ask me that.

Why?

Because it's not my job

to make you feel good

about yourself anymore.

Mmhmm

Look at how life

has drived away

My sweet love is gone away

My sweet love is gone today

My sweet love

is gone away now

Mm-hmm

That'll be all for you?

- Hmm?

- Anything else?

Oh, no, that's it.

That's a nice shirt.

Thanks.

Oh, my baby

Oh, my love

Oh, my baby, now

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm

Mm-hmm,

mm-hmm

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm

Mm-hmm

Mm-hmm

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm

Mm-hmm,

mm-hmm

Hello?

Jesse Fisher?

Yeah?

It's your favorite Communist.

Professor Peter Hoberg?

Screw you.

I'm not a Communist.

How you doing?

Oh, you know.

Listen, I don't want to

take up too much of your time,

but here's why I'm calling.

Ever since I announced

that I was packing it in,

it's funny, but this whole place

has finally decided

that they don't really hate me

after all.

Now, I know Ohio is not

as glamorous as New York,

but they're throwing me

a retirement dinner thing

at the end of the month,

and they asked me to invite

any former students

that might want to lie and say

some nice things about me.

And since you're one of

the great liars that I know...

When is it?

Weekend of the 25th.

You know, check your schedule.

Okay.

Checking now.

Uh, looks like I'd have to shift

some things around, but yeah.

I'll be there.

Hi.

Look at this.

How are you?

Ah.

- Jesse.

- Yeah, hi.

Hi, I'm David.

This is Susan.

- Hi.

- Hey.

Peter warned you

that we'd be here?

He did.

He did, yeah.

We're making him take care

of us while we're here.

How was your drive?

It was good, yeah.

Pleasant, actually.

Peter, Jesse's here!

So it's good to be back?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's weird.

I drove up the hill.

I suddenly felt like

I was seeing

an ex-girlfriend

or something.

- The one that got away.

- Exactly.

Zibby loves it here so much,

she gets sad to come home

on breaks.

Zibby?

Sorry.

Elizabeth, our daughter.

She's a sophomore.

Ah.

She's in the improv group.

We came up

to see one of her shows.

- How was it?

- Hilarious.

Uh, filthy but hilarious.

So how do you guys know Peter?

He was my camp counselor.

No way.

He made us sing pro-union

songs around the campfire.

You must stand up

for your brother

So you won't die for the man

Stand up for your brother

so you won't die for

He never writes.

He never calls.

Oh, hey.

Let me look at you.

Not bad.

Who's hungry?

- I'm hungry.

- Okay, let's go.

We've got reservations.

Oh, man, 37 years.

Can you believe it?

Native New Yorker spends

37 years in a county

where the tallest building's

nine stories.

Oh, my.

How are you feeling

about it all?

- The retirement?

- Yeah.

Oh, I don't know.

Another year

of faculty meetings,

I'd throw myself

off that nine-story building.

So how's the admissions game,

buddy?

"How's

the admissions game, buddy?"

Whoa, is that

Professor Fairfield?

Yeah.

Wow, she looks fantastic!

Professor!

What is she like?

Is she cool?

She's definitely not warm.

I loved

her British Romantic lit class.

She was, like, the best teacher

I had here.

She was, like, the second best

teacher I had here.

Unbelievable.

You are unbelievable.

What?

Tell her how you feel.

I will.

Jesse, this is my daughter,

Zibby.

Hey.

Hi.

Hello.

Peter, should we follow you?

If you think that's wise.

And he's like, "I had it

up to here with America

and its repressive, regressive,

fascist," whatever.

I sound like that?

That's how I sound?

You do.

You sound like that.

And he gets up in front

of the class.

He says, "I just-I couldn't

take it anymore,

so I picked up my life,

and I moved to France."

This is being ludicrously

misreported, by the way.

So I raised my hand.

I said, "Wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, Peter.

"You're telling us you got

so angry at this country

that you moved to France?"

And Peter says, "Yeah.

Well, I had a Fulbright."

Yeah, well, yeah, if I told you

what this putz was like

when he was here,

he'd run out of the room crying.

That's probably true.

Well, what were you like

when you were here?

I was very handsome, wasn't I?

Am I remembering that correctly?

No, I don't remember that.

But what I do remember

is you being a real jerk

to your parents

on graduation weekend.

He didn't want to leave.

It's true.

And I blamed my parents,

weirdly, all four of them.

Like it was their fault

college was ending.

Don't do that to us.

- No, I won't.

- She says that now.

So your parents told me

you're in the improv group?

Yeah.

How's that?

It's the best.

I love it.

What do you love about it?

Um, I think I love

how terrifying it is

and how you have to say "yes"

to everything.

Uh, sorry, what does that mean?

It's, like, the only rule

of improv.

You can never say "no."

You have to say "yes"

and then add something.

Like, uh-like, look.

Um, okay, Mom, you and I

have been wandering

in the desert for days,

and we're about to die, okay?

Okay.

Okay, and I say,

"Hand me that lemonade."

So hand me that lemonade.

Jesus, Susan, hand her

the goddamn lemonade.

Never mind.

Jesse, hand me that lemonade.

Thank you.

Mmm.

Sweet, just the way I like it.

I nailed this.

It doesn't make sense.

We're in the desert.

I mean, where would we get

lemonade?

It's great seeing you guys.

So what was your major?

I was English

with a minor in history,

just to make sure

I was fully unemployable.

- Right.

- What about you?

Drama.

I mean, not officially yet,

'cause my dad's not totally

thrilled with the idea,

so maybe also art history?

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