License to Wed Page #7

What the hell's going on?

But look, no, the rhinest-

- It's beautiful, honestly-

- No. I'm not talking about the dress.

I'm talking about Ben.

An animated truck?

You know, I wrote seven pages

on how much I love and adore him...

...and all he can muster up for me is some

stupid Tonka truck in a three-ring circus?

- That's it?

- Okay, you know what?

Lay it on me.

Oh, God.

Please tell me everything's gonna be fine.

What do you want me to say?

Sadie, my marriage failed.

I watch Titanic by myself, alone,

in my room, every night...

...stuffing my face

with Honey BBQ Fritos.

Not the one to give you any tips or advice

about your relationship...

...no matter how desperate you are.

Sorry.

However, I do recall my ex

never wrote any vows at all.

Really?

That's kind of promising.

Yeah.

It was probably because he was

too busy...

...sleeping with our dental hygienist,

which was great.

Hey, but your hygienist is a guy, right?

Yeah.

You're fine.

Is this a piece of work?

They don't make them like this any more.

When two people say "I do"...

...they're putting their lives

in each other's hands entirely.

Anything less than that

is doomed to failure.

Now, the last test you have to pass...

...before I certify you

ready for marriage...

...is the communication test.

Which is very important...

...given how poorly we've been doing

in that area lately.

Oh, me? Don't worry.

I plan on communicating very well-

Okay, Ben, can you please

just let him finish talking?

- Thank you.

- Yep.

- Sorry, reverend.

- It's okay.

To demonstrate how important

communication is in that area:

- What?

- Blindfold.

- What are you doing?

- I'm not doing anything.

You're gonna be Sadie's eyes

as she drives us.

- You're insane!

- If you wanna pass this course...

...and get married tomorrow,

you have to pass this test.

Your call.

- Yeah. Yeah. I can do this.

- You're actually gonna go through with this?

- What, Ben, you don't think I can do this?

- Okay. Maybe you don't understand...

...what's going on here.

Ben, there's two sets of controls.

I can take over at any time.

What'll it be, Benjamin?

Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna need

a little help here, though.

First you need to put it in gear.

- Check.

- And then you're gonna ease out...

...onto the street.

Left. Left!

There you are. Right.

To the right!

Ben, did you see a clipboard back there?

There it is. Least it's warm.

- What-?

- It's a communication exercise.

You will be graded.

Less than 80 percent...

...consider getting married in Vegas.

You know what?

Vegas sounds awesome right now.

Maybe you can get an

Elvis impersonator to officiate.

"Hey, my wife. Yeah. "

- Ben, you wanna help your future bride?

- Yep, yep, yeah. I do, I do.

How about we take a right?

Head back to the church.

You might wanna brake.

Anytime.

Sorry. I'm sorry. I just, I got nervous.

That's very good.

Taking responsibility. Excellent, Sadie.

More enthusiasm

in the back, Ben.

Oh, my God, I'm having so much fun!

Aren't you? I might pee my pants.

Sarcasm, wicked stepsister

of communication.

- Point off.

- Now take a right. Now.

- A right? Now?

- Now!

It's a one-way street!

Okay, well, then should I pull over?

No, no. Just go straight.

They'll go around you.

Oh, my- Jesus. Okay, okay.

- In about 20 yards we're gonna turn.

-20 yards means nothing to me. I can't see.

Here we go. Turning now!

There's a man.

That's an old man in a hat and a thing.

Look out!

- I'm blind, Ben!

- That's enough. We're ending this. Stop!

Is that what you do

when things get difficult?

You're just gonna quit?

I need to count on you, Ben.

Life will hand you stress

and the key to managing your anxiety...

- ... is not letting it contaminate your partner.

- Garbage truck!

- Where?

- Punch it!

Yeah!

I'm pretty sure I'm not learning

anything from this.

- Are we good? Are we good?

- There's Burt Fleeger!

Looking good, Hollywood!

- I feel like I'm not getting any guidance.

- You might wanna pick up speed a little.

- Wait, wait. Why would we do that?

- There's a parking space up there.

Gun it, Sadie.

- I never get this space!

- Oh, my God!

Perfect.

Hello, Jones family. How's it going?

Hello, reverend.

Daughter's a good little driver.

Well, you have the wedding processional.

You can go with Mendelssohn...

...or one couple actually had Captain and

Tennille here playing "Muskrat Love. "

It's your call.

After you boogie down the aisle...

...I'll start by saying something nice.

Speaking of that, let's give a big

Saint Augustine welcome...

...to Ben Murphy's parents,

Ron and Mary Murphy.

Came all the way from Seattle.

Then I get into a brief message about

the joy and the sanctity of marriage...

...and that on your honeymoon,

try and act surprised.

It's an old joke, but sometimes works.

Then we got prayer, hymn, prayer, hymn.

And then we get into the vows.

In my course, the couple

writes their own vows.

And that in mind, may I have your vows?

Thank you.

Thank you.

- Ben?

- Yeah.

Got the vows?

Ben, where are your vows?

Oh, I have them. I just-

I haven't finished them, but I will

have them here tomorrow.

Okey-dokey.

Well, I guess that'll have to do for now.

After the vows,

we have the lighting of the candle.

- It's true, by the way.

- Not now, Ben. I just wanna think.

Thinking's good.

- Yes, I wanna think about everything.

- What about?

I'm guessing these aren't

part of the vows.

Okay, because I used to think that we were

so perfectly compatible for each other...

...and now...

- Look at us, Ben.

- What?

- Ben, you want two kids, and I want four.

- So what?

You obviously think my family

is a bunch of rich, alcoholic snobs.

- You never take the lead on things, Ben!

- And I'm not good enough for you!

I'm not adventurous enough in bed, right?

And I'm not as handsome as Carlisle,

not as successful.

Carlisle has nothing to do with it.

- Carlisle has everything to do with it.

- How?

Because he is someone whose opinion

you trust way more than mine.

Oh, God. When have I

ever said that to you, Ben?

You just don't have to.

"Carlisle, what crystal should we use?

What brand of cheese is good, Carlisle?"

God, I am so sick of you

choosing Carlisle's cheese.

- Carlisle's cheese. Explore that, Ben.

- Enough of the pop psychology, reverend.

Because all you've done is everything

you can to make sure this doesn't work.

I've worked very hard to create lines

of communication between you and Sadie...

...to let you know what you're in for.

- You're onto it.

- Yeah, we are.

We are discovering

a whole shitload right now!

- Really?

- Yes, we are, Ben.

- Guys, seriously, space, please.

- Now's the time. Pop the info.

Okay. Okay. You know what?

I didn't wanna have to do this,

but I have no choice.

So aside from the fact that

Reverend Frank bugged our apartment-

Excuse me, what?

I've mounted an investigation.

One that I think you would be

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