Life as We Know It

[DIGHD]

[KNOCKING]

[DIGHD]

Okay.

-Ehh.

-Hi.

-HoIIy.

-Eric.

-Messer.

-Messer.

-Messer. Yeah. everybody caIIs me Messer.

-WeII. it's nice to finaIIy meet you. Messer.

-Am I Iate?

-Um. just an hour.

But I just finished getting ready.

and AIison said it was your m.o.. so....

-Peter said you'd probabIy say something.

-Ha. ha. Oh. did he? Oh. okay.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

-Neat. DhouId we go?

-Yeah. yeah. Iet's go.

Yeah. Iet's get some dinner.

I'm super hungry. It's been Iike an hour.

HOLLY:

Do I hear you just moved to AtIanta.

MEDDER:
Yep.

-Oh.

-How Iong have you known Pete for?

-High schooI.

Oh. wow.

Oh. thank you.

I've known AIison since coIIege.

We were in a sorority together.

-Where's your car?

-Right here.

-Here you go.

-Oh.

Come on.

HoId on tight.

I promise I won't read into it.

[REVVING ENGINE]

-I'm not reaIIy dressed for 40-miIe-an-hour--

-What?

I'm not reaIIy dressed

for 40-miIe-an-hour winds.

[ENGINE DTOPD]

[HOLLY CHUCKLED]

Dorry. I just--

You know. I don't even think

I couId reaIIy get my Ieg up over it. so....

But I'II drive.

My car's right here.

And it's new. so I Iove driving it.

-It's a sweet ride.

-Thanks.

Hop in.

[MEDDER GRUNTD]

AII right.

HOLLY:
Hm.

-Huh.

Do where shaII we go?

Uh. where did you make the reservations?

That you said you were gonna make.

You didn't make them?

-I said that?

-It's cooI. Whatever.

Yeah. it's cooI.

We can go anywhere. I don't care.

We can-- You pick it.

We'II grab a tabIe

and we'II just sIide right in.

Okay. WeII. how about Cafe Five?

You ever been there?

-Dounds good.

-My friend from cuIinary schooI is the--

TRICK DADDY [DINGING ON RINGTONE]:

Pull over, that ass is too fat

-It's just my ceII phone.

-I figured.

-You can answer it if you--

-No. no. it'II go to voicemaiI.

[RINGTONE CONTINUED]

-Okay.

-Just....

Yeah. weII. I was just saying my friend

from cuIinary schooI is actuaIIy the--

You know what?

Go ahead. just answer it. it's fine.

-I'm-- I can wait.

-AII right. Yeah. It's a IittIe too Ioud.

Hey. you.

WeII. you know me.

aIways in the middIe of something.

Yeah. okay. yeah. EIeven?

Yeah. You know what?

Why don't we make it 10:30?

AII right. AII right. Iater.

Okay.

I'm sorry. it's a.... It's a sick friend.

You know. we don't have to do this.

ReaIIy?

-Okay.

-Oh. my God. are you serious?

Okay. Iet's be honest.

You knew the moment you saw me

you didn't Iike me.

But our mutuaI friends set this up.

so I think we owe it to them to--

To what.

spend a few hours faking smaII taIk?

Look. best case.

we get drunk and we hook up.

What kind of an asshoIe are you?

Look. it's a Daturday night.

I just wanna have some fun.

I can go see my sick friend.

and you can go do...

...whatever it is you Iike to do

on a Daturday night.

You Iook Iike you read.

You can go read a book.

-Do you bIog?

-Do I bIog? Okay. You know what?

If you wanted to ensure that this

wasn't gonna be a Iousy night. here's a tip:

Don't show up an hour Iate.

and don't make a booty caII.

-Dhe's sick.

-Oh. right.

Were you going to heaI her

with your magic penis?

Okay.

-Fine. If you wanna go out. we'II go out--

-Oh. my God. no.

I'm not going out with you now.

What are you. crazy?

Get out of my car.

Get out of my Dmart car.

-I don't know what they were thinking.

-Me neither.

AIison. oh. my God.

The onIy way you can make this up to me...

...is if you promise

I never have to see him again.

[MOTORCYCLE DTARTD]

HOLLY:
ReaIIy. you are Iike

the most important woman in my Iife...

...and AIison is the sister I never had.

And I Iove you so much.

and I'm so gratefuI for you and Peter.

[LAUGHD]

Look at Mess. In back.

MAN:
Nice.

WOMAN:
Whoo.

[APPLAUDE]

Yeah.

Anyway. I was just trying to say

how excited I am for you--

I Iove you. AIison.

Messer. it's my turn. It's my turn.

You aIready gave your speech.

PHOTOGRAPHER:
Are you maid of honor?

-Yes.

Can we switch you guys out?

I need you next to the bride.

Get right in here with you guys.

Don't touch me.

I knew you were gonna do that.

-Don't touch me. Don't encourage him.

ALIDON:
Ha-ha-ha!

HOLLY:

Dtop it. I swear to God. Dtop.

I'm sorry. I can't stand next to him.

PETER:
Hey. guys.

Here we are at the hoIiday party. HoIIy. Ben.

Here you go.

PETER:

How's that first date going. guys?

WAITREDD:

I mean. what reaIIy happened? TeII me.

[MEDDER CHUCKLING]

PETER:

Yo. Mess. Mess.

-Dhe has work to do.

-Dude. Dude.

-HeIp me. Take the camera.

-Give me the camera.

PETER:

Whoa. check it out.

Come here.

Look at AIison's bun in the oven.

Bun in the oven.

Excuse me. guys. AII right? Honey?

MEDDER:

WeII. weII. Iook at that.

-Dhe's my daughter.

MEDDER:
Won't be Iong now.

ALIDON:

Don't squeeze the beIIy.

MEDDER:

Hey. HoIIy. What's this?

[MEDDER MAKED KIDDING DOUNDD]

Come on. just a IittIe Christmas kiss.

Just give him a--

Great. Yay. happy hoIidays.

[MOUTHD]

You are an a**hole.

Hi. baby girI.

Hi. Oh. my gosh.

[DOPHIE COOD]

-Baby.

-Hi.

HoId on. Messer. I just got her.

PETER:
Dhe's with Aunt HoIIy now.

-Dude.

-CarefuI. Messer. GentIy.

-I got her. I got her.

-Whoa!

-Oh!

-Honey.

-I'm just pIaying.

PETER:
It's not funny.

-Dhe's fine.

-Dhe's Iike a IittIe footbaII.

-WouId you stop it? Messer. Messer.

-Okay.

-Dtop it. seriousIy.

[''KIDD'' PLAYING ON DTEREO]

PETER & ALIDON [DINGING]:

Cats have kittens

Doggies have pups

Horses have pretty foals

And sheep have lambs

Cows have calves

And l bet you didn't know

That elephants have calves too

Lions and leopards have cubs

Which is the proper thing for them to do

[COOING]

PETER:
Dhe's gonna bIow if you keep

doing that. Dhe's in a puking phase.

MEDDER:

No. she Ioves it.

Dhe Ioves it. don't you. Doph?

You're the onIy girI I'II ever shave for.

You know that?

Dpeaking of. why didn't Liz come?

I thought you were getting serious.

No. we ended that a few weeks ago.

It wasn't working out.

PETER:
What happened?

-I don't know.

I just didn't see us

on that Iong march towards death together.

-Oh. my bad. I thought you Iiked this girI.

-That was you. I just thought she was hot.

Honey. don't forget

to tip the castIe guys.

[TEENAGERD DPEAKING INDIDTINCTLY]

They show up Iate

and made me do the work.

-But. sure. Iet's tip the castIe guys.

TEENAGER:
Grasshopper.

Do I started taking Dophie

to this new famiIy practice.

HOLLY:

Mm-hm.

There's this doctor there. He's so cute.

I may have finaIIy repIaced

my Anderson Cooper crush.

-Anyway. I noticed no ring...

-Dcoot.

...so I started a conversation

with his nurse.

-No.

-I pretended to Iike her naiIs.

-No. We agreed to a moratorium on setups.

-How do you know you won't Iike him?

You have the worst

setup track record ever.

-Like who?

-The shopIifter. AduIt-braces guy.

UnbeIievabIe.

You're stiII hoIding that over me.

I'm not even gonna

get into the Messer DebacIe of '07.

WeII. that was Peter.

I hardIy even knew him then.

You knew he caIIed himseIf Messer.

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