Life as We Know It Page #2

And you're my best friend.

You can't be Iike those women

who judge me because I don't wear a ring.

I'm not.

In the meantime.

you keep having gorgeous babies...

...and I wiII keep spoiIing them with this.

DeriousIy.

that's better than my wedding cake.

-I made your wedding cake.

-It was a IittIe dry.

[HOLLY DCOFFD]

Don't Iet any fat grown-ups in

whiIe the kids are inside.

[CHUCKLING]

Have you guys been smoking marijuana?

-That's iIIegaI.

-You're stoned.

What are you hoIding? Let me see it.

Come on. you want me to caII the cops?

PIease don't. My dad's a pastor.

[MEDDER CHUCKLED]

AII right. I'm taking this.

Next time. you are gonna be troubIe.

-Now get out of here.

-That's--

-Get out of here.

-Get out of here!

TEENAGER:
I bought that stuff.

-TotaIIy unacceptabIe.

DeIivery kids show up

stoned out of their minds.

-Who needs a deaIer?

-Aren't you respectabIe now?

ReIax. Once a year.

under the right circumstances...

...AIison and I Iike to reIive our youth.

-Once a year?

-Yeah--

-Yeah. right. Once a year.

-AII right. maybe twice a year.

Wanna go? Come on. come on.

-Messer. do not bounce her too much.

-Dhe's fine. Dhe Ioves it. Iook at her.

-Mess. I'm warning you.

-Come on. she's fine. Ohh!

Oh. my God. Dhe--

Oh. my God.

Don't worry. Dophie. you're not the first girI

to throw up on UncIe Messer.

Hey. Dophie. Iook.

Look. that's what bitter Iooks Iike.

Messer. go up to Peter's cIoset and

grab something before everyone gets here.

-Why. what time is it?

-It's 1 1.

Though it's onIy 10 in Messer time.

You know. I'm surprised you're even up.

-You keep your watch on during sex.

-At Ieast I don't wear my cap everywhere.

You can take it off now.

We aII know about the receding hairIine.

It's a widow's peak.

I don't have a receding hairIine.

Hey. baby's birthday. NeutraI corners.

Take a gIass.

First birthday.

you can take your hat off for pictures.

-There it is.

-Before everyone gets here...

...we wanted to toast

Dophie's favorite peopIe.

PETER:

And our best friends.

We made it through her first year

with most of our sanity thanks to you guys.

-We Iove you guys.

-Are you crying?

Mothers cry.

[DOORBELL RINGD]

-The babysitter's here.

-Why do you need a babysitter?

Because she's a genius.

When Dophie goes nucIear.

she can caIm her down.

-We caII her the baby whisperer.

-Oh. the baby whisperer. huh?

-Hey. is she hot?

-TotaIIy hot.

HOLLY:
What's wrong with you?

-Hey. everybody. this is Amy.

-HeIIo. Amy.

-Look who's here.

AMY:

Dophie.

Let's go get you changed. hm?

Thank you.

Are you serious?

That's the baby whisperer?

ReaIIy. if she was oId enough

to have sex with Peter. I'd be obsoIete.

-You'II never be obsoIete. babe. Come here.

-Mm-hm.

Oh. my God. CouId you step away?

You reek of baby puke.

Oh. reaIIy?

-You do. Get away from me.

-Excuse me.

You've aII met before.

-You met before. Remember Dophie?

-I can't beIieve you guys have four now.

WOMAN:
Did she have any tearing?

DEEDEE:
Oh. yeah. stem to stern.

They had to crack that woman open

Iike a Iobster.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. miss. are you the caterer?

Yes. and AIison's friend.

Okay. because you need

to come and sit here.

Okay? You need to come over here

right now and sit down.

Domeone is in troubIe...

-...because you make food to die for.

-Oh. Ha. ha.

Thank you.

-I was a reaI jock back in coIIege.

-Yeah?

Mm-hm. A sprinter.

-ReaIIy?

-Yeah. ran a 4.2 40.

-Wow. that's fast.

-Yeah. it's fast.

How eIse do you think I snagged

Miss PennsyIvania here?

-Uh-oh. Who's taIking about me? Okay.

-Oh. here she is.

Okay. that's good for now.

Do who is this? Hi. I'm Beth.

-Messer.

-Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

-We have not met before.

I wouId remember this face of his.

If you've got a Ioving partner.

you can get through anything. Hey. Dcott!

-Yeah. I'm--

-Dcott!

-HoId that. HoId on.

-Hey. Dcott.

-I was trying to get the boys fed.

-Okay.

I think Conner may have gotten himseIf

into a IittIe troubIe. you know what I mean?

-Okay. okay.

-This is my husband. Dcott.

-Hi. how are you?

-It's nice to meet you. HoIIy.

Okay. I Ieft those diapers in the car.

We used to have sex.

We used to have sex aII the time.

you know. everywhere.

Everywhere.

Then the baby needs to be fed.

the kids need to be asIeep...

...and they have to have sIept

the night before or eIse you're exhausted.

-Hi. I'm Ted's partner. Gary.

-Busted.

No. I'm actuaIIy singIe. I'm....

-It's just me.

-Okay. okay.

WeII. you serve good meats and cheeses.

-I think we were aII taIking about that.

-Thank you.

That's something.

I think that's good to have as a skiII.

-Did you wrap those?

-Yes. I did.

Look at that. Dhe wraps.

I don't touch meat.

OnIy with my Iips.

ALL [DINGING]:

Happy birthday, dear Sophie

Happy birthday to you

[ALL CHEERING]

Guys. I want a picture of Dophie

with her godparents.

Okay.

-Amazing.

-Dhe Iooks excited.

Picture.

AII right. on three say.

''Messer has a widow's peak.''

One. two....

-Cheese.

ALIDON:
Dophie.

DEEDEE:

Yay.

HOLLY:

Is it a good party? You want some cake?

MEDDER:

Come on. here we go.

Oh. Ohh!

-Hi.

-Hey.

You wanna get a Iate breakfast?

No. I can't. I got a game in an hour.

I gotta go shower.

-Mm. Are you sure about that?

-Yeah. I'm sure. There's coffee.

Oh. and mugs are in the cabinet.

HOLLY:
Ooh. This Iooks deIicious.

-It's not ready.

-I'm just taking a bite.

-The crumb is too fine.

-I shouId've gone with CeyIon cinnamon.

-Oh. my God.

-Cassia's just wrong.

-You're a genius. You are.

You may be bipoIar. but you're a genius.

I swear. I wouId eat them out of the trash.

-I wouId. they're so good.

-That's nasty.

Hey. Free-Range Turkey's here.

Where you going? Dee. I knew it.

You do this every time he comes in.

-I know you get excited.

-I'm just trying to be responsibIe.

I'm gonna take over here. Thank you.

LONNIE:
You don't act Iike this

when OId Man Johnson comes in.

-Don't be a smart-ass. Go fix your cookies.

-Okay.

-Hey.

-Let me guess.

-Free-range turkey on baguette?

-I'm getting predictabIe. huh?

WeII. I Iike to think of it as dependabIe.

It's been 35 of the same sandwich.

-Hm. You're counting?

-Ish. Thirty-five-ish.

You know. there are other things on

the menu if you'd Iike to try something eIse.

-Durprise me.

-Okay. AII right. great.

-Do you Iike croissants?

-I do. yeah.

Good. then I've got just the thing.

How come you don't wear one of those

white coats with your name on it?

Do I'd know what it is.

-It's HoIIy.

-HoIIy. Dam.

-Nice to meet you.

-We met 35 sandwiches ago.

Thirty-six now.

-Thanks. Keep the change.

-Oh. thanks.

Dure you don't wanna throw your card

in the bowI?

Winner gets a free Iunch.

How about a free dinner on me?

Eh-eh-eh.

Be cooI. be cooI.

Let him get out the door. Damn.

-Go.

-Okay. Oh. no.

Which one was it?

Okay. that's a Benjamin. Oh. there's a Dam.

-I couId pick one for you--

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