Life Happens

1

(WOMEN MOANING)

DEENA:
I like that,

that's good.

KIM:
Oh, yeah.

MAN:
Oh, yeah.

DEENA:
Do you...

Do you have... You know...

(KIM MOANING)

KIM:
Wait, wait.

Two seconds,

I'll be right back.

BOTH:
Do you have a condom?

No. Crap!

Dude, I've been looking

for that nightie everywhere.

KIM:
Are you sure

it's not mine?

I've had it forever.

DEENA:
It looks better

on your b*obs anyway.

Thanks.

DEENA:
Who do you

have in there anyway?

I didn't even

hear you come in.

Oh, I'm with that

Australian surfer

with the neck tattoos.

Ooh! Checkmate!

What about you?

Who do you have in there?

Uh...

Beet face.

You're having

anonysex with a guy

you met in

the Costco parking lot?

DEENA:
I already told him

he couldn't stay over

'cause I got to get

up early to write.

Oh, totally.

God, where is that stash?

I know it's somewhere.

Oh! Found them!

There's only one left.

How did that happen?

We just bought these!

Dibs!

I'm ovulating!

What?

It's true!

I never work out

on the fifteenth day

of my cycle because

I get pains in my side,

and if you remember

correctly, Kim, I did

not work out yesterday.

What?

What am I supposed to do?

Raw dog a random?

Don't be a douche nozzle!

Pull and pray, baby!

(SIGHS)

MARC:
All right, Kim,

were you gonna

do me, or what?

(HIP-HOP MUSIC

PLAYING ON RADIO)

(INAUDIBLE)

Three o'clock, dude.

That sleaze weasel's

eyegasming

all over your face.

Really?

Yeah.

Hey!

Hi!

Stoplights, huh?

Yeah. Stoplights.

I love them. (GIGGLES)

So do we.

It's crazy!

Crazy.

I'm lvan and this

is my friend, lvan.

Well, hello, lvans.

Hello.

So, we're headed to

this little party up in

the hills this evening.

You girls wanna join?

Why don't you

give us the details?

(BABY CRYING)

Is it too much to ask

for a date with a guy

other than the one

I gave birth to?

Oh, come on.

Where is my friend

who shares

my mutual suffering

of high self-esteem?

KIM:
She smells like

milk, puke and

diaper ointment.

Oh, hey, Billy,

will you come help me

with Max's stroller?

Sure, Kim.

Okay. There you go.

Thank you.

(BILLY GRUNTS)

Hey!

Hey.

I found a job on Craigslist

that pays $150 an hour.

It's called Naked

Human Sushi Platters.

I start tomorrow.

You want the details?

Laura, I love you,

but raw fish? Nudity?

What would Jesus say?

Let's leave

the Lord out of this.

Oh, God.

Hey! I found a job

on Craigslist that

pays $150 an hour.

It's called Naked

Human Sushi Platters.

I start tomorrow.

You want the details?

No, I think I'm good.

Oh, Dr. Katie's on.

DEENA:
Did you say

Dr. Katie's on?

Hi, buddy.

As a sexpert,

I recommend regular sex

once a week, at least.

If you can't procure sex,

visit your gynecologist,

and he can suggest

certain solutions.

(MAX VOMITS)

Oh! Oh!

BOTH:
Ew!

Max, my favorite shirt!

Baby puke is pretty

much just breast milk.

Just hand me the napkins.

I saw Kelly Ripa

eat breast-milk cheese

on LIVE! The other day,

with a pickle on it.

That's disgusting.

It also comes

in dolphin, bear,

monkey and worms.

Worms? Ew.

Laura, it is so

weirdly hypocritical that

you watch this stuff.

It's like an anorexic

watching Top Chef.

Make fun of me all you want

for being a virgin,

okay, but at least

you'll never hear me say,

"I had sex with

some guy last night

and he didn't call me,"

or "I got pregnant again,"

or "I got chlamydia."

Ooh! Snap.

Ask your insurance provider

if they'll cover this.

(VIBRATING)

(ECHOING)

You need it, Kim.

Oh, I really need to

get more sleep.

(WHIRRING)

Hey.

Hey!

I made this for you.

Thank you.

You are saving my life.

Have you seen

the baby monitor?

Uh, yeah, I think

it's in the rotter.

That's what

three hours of sleep

a night'll do to you.

Yeah, here it is. Rotting.

So, tonight is

Marc's night with Max,

which means I have

no morning duty,

which means Mommy

is gonna get hammered

tonight. Yeah!

Are you sure

that's safe?

I'll pump and dump

and use my new

Milkscreen strips.

They let you know

when it's safe to

breast-feed again.

It's the best

invention ever.

Mom of the year

right here yo.

(CELL PHONE BEEPING)

Oh, God. Francesca.

"In addition to

my diuretic pills,

"go by the mall

and pick up something

"young and hip looking

for me to wear to

the greyhound party."

(GAGGING)

Will you guys meet me

at the mall later?

Can't,

I have naked sushi.

Yes. And that

woman is hideous.

You shouldn't have

to deal with her.

She has you running

around like a chicken!

I know, but I'm a

chicken with paychecks

and benefits.

See you guys later.

Bye.

Bye.

Wait. Breakfast.

Oh, God, thank you.

Thank you. Bye.

Marc, I swear to God,

you're the most

unreliable person I know.

Why are you always late?

What do you expect?

I'm driving across

town from Venice.

Well, I've got

a million things to do

and that's all before work.

So, here's

the diaper bag,

his diapers,

bottles, toys,

he should be fine.

What's the matter with you?

(SIGHS)

We need to talk.

Crap! Crap! Laura! Laura!

I got the e-mail

from LA Weekly, man!

I can't read it,

I can't read it.

You have to read it for me,

you have to read it for me.

Sit, sit, sit.

Read, read, read.

(EXHALES)

"Dear Ms. Deena Gold,

thank you so much for

your recent submission,

"'A Self Made

Woman's Lifestyle:

"'Separating Yourself

from the B*tches.'

"As you know,

we review thousands of

submissions weekly.

"Unfortunately,

we cannot accept..."

(SIGHS) I'm gonna stab

myself in the face.

Please don't.

"However, we think the

excerpt from your book,

"'A Self Made

Woman's Lifestyle:

"'Separating Yourself

from the B*tches..."'

That title is way too long...

However, however.

"Will be the perfect

inaugural headliner

"for our online edition

featuring new voices."

(LAUGHS)

Oh!

Oh, I'm in!

Okay, get up,

I have work to do.

Okay. Here we go.

Marc, I thought we were

gonna at least try to

raise the kid together.

It'd be career suicide

to turn down a

Hawaiian Tropic pro-tour.

You understand that?

Can we get your scrawl?

Oh, yeah, sure.

BOY:
Thanks, man.

Sure.

See? I'm blowing up.

What about when

you come back?

Well, if I come back.

I got things, you know?

I think he's

better off without me.

I'm doing

the right thing here.

I'm ripping it off fast,

like a Band-Aid. Okay?

Peace, all right? Okay.

All right. Be well.

(GURGLING)

(SHUSHING)

KIM:
I feel like a big

slab of hamburger

that's been

mushed into a human.

This was, like,

my one day a week

to feel like

a normal human being.

Now, I'm like,

seriously a mom now,

like seven days a week.

That is kind of

how it works.

Well, I know,

but what am I gonna do?

Look, lots of women have

been exactly where

you are right now.

You can still have

everything you've

always wanted,

and your kid is gonna

respect the hell

out of you for it.

Huh?

Let's get a massage.

(MOANING)

I am so getting

one of these when I get

my first big paycheck.

I don't care how

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