Life Happens Page #9

(SHRIEKS)

Oh!

That sounds like

a recipe for rape.

Did she just make it

sound like I inspired her

to do that?

Hey, Deena,

can I talk to you

for a minute, outside?

Alone?

Yeah.

P*ssy master!

(EXHALES)

I'm gonna move out.

Wow. Okay.

I'm gonna pay you

the next month's rent,

so that will

give you enough time

to figure out

what you wanna do.

Uh...

Is this like about

last night? Because

we were loud...

I know things

have been awkward

between us...

It's not that.

You and I had this plan

to be fabulous and

conquer the world.

And I'm sorry that

I relied on you...

Kim, you don't

have to feel...

Please, just

let me finish.

I think that

the really scary part

has been realizing that

maybe I don't need

to conquer the world.

Maybe I'm okay

with hanging out

with the lame moms

at Caf Chez Bb.

Maybe I'm more

than okay with it.

Maybe I like it.

So what are you gonna do?

Doggy mall?

Yeah, I'm starting to

think that whole idea was

childish and unsanitary

and maybe even unsafe.

I honestly don't know.

Deena, I'm so happy

for you and your success,

and I adore you.

I adore you.

But you have to focus

on your career now,

and I need...

I need to focus

on being a mom.

And I just worry that

if I don't move out now...

That we might

not stay friends.

(SOBS)

So, it's a one bedroom,

one bath,

but there's a nice

little nook over here

that would be

great for a nursery.

Wanna see it?

We'll take it.

Do you wanna discuss it

with your husband?

Nope. It's just us.

All right, then.

Let me show you the backyard.

There's a sandbox

and a swing set...

Did you hear that, buddy?

There's a sandbox!

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

He's getting so heavy.

You're getting so heavy.

Is that your truck?

Max, can you say "truck"?

Truck?

That's a bunny.

(RATTLES)

Kisses. Kisses for you.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

You sweet little thing,

you were just walking!

Oh, my God,

you sweet little monkey!

I'm so proud of you!

Oh, my God! My baby.

(GASPING)

Henri! Henri,

Henri! It came!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! It came!

Baby, maybe we should

get a joint bank account.

Oh, man, I grew up

in a trailer.

They pay a lot of money

for self-help books.

It's not

a self-help book, punk.

It's a sociological study.

Oh, it's a sociological

study. You're rich.

Oh, my gosh, that's hot.

You're so rich.

I love that.

I've never had sex

with a rich woman before.

Outside, anyway...

Never had sex...

And sober.

Whoa, whoa!

Okay, just one finger.

(DEENA LAUGHS)

You eat it.

You eat it. I'm good.

I'm sorry for being late.

I'm so, so sorry.

How's the little dude?

How are you?

So, let me guess,

you didn't get

your contract

and now you think

you can just waltz

back into our lives?

No, that's not it.

I read this

rad book when I was on tour

called Pregnancy and Beyond.

Uh-huh.

Read the whole thing,

cover to cover.

It had gnarly stuff

about smegma, I almost

stopped reading it.

Then I kept reading it,

and it started to talk about

how they start

to develop these,

like, sick personalities.

And it made me wanna,

like, not miss out on

all that good stuff.

And the truth is,

I nearly lost my abdomen

in a shark attack.

There's nothing

like a brush with death

to make you realize

what the important

things in life are.

And I wanna see my kid.

Okay?

I'm not gonna go

through this again, Marc.

I want another

shot at being a dad.

Can you understand that?

I think I'd be a good dad.

(LAUGHING)

(SQUEALING)

Come here.

Come here, little buddy.

You gonna be a little

hell raiser, aren't you?

You gonna be

a little hell raiser?

A little outlaw?

A little bandit?

He's a good boy.

(MAX BABBLING)

What's that?

Bad boy?

Bad!

MARC:
Okay.

(EXHALES)

Hey!

Hey!

How are you?

Good. Good.

How are you?

Good.

Where's Max?

Is he in college yet?

Actually, he's with Marc.

Really?

Yep.

He came crawling back,

and now he takes him

whenever I go to work.

Wow.

Yeah.

I gotta tell you,

I miss seeing Max every day.

And you.

Yeah. Me too.

So...

My dad called me.

That's great, Deena.

I bet that feels

really good.

Yeah.

What are we doing?

I miss you.

I miss you!

I've got so much

to tell you.

Come in, come in.

What?

Oh, my God!

Dude, the place

looks outta sight!

It's Henri, man.

He's all over it.

(GASPS)

You bought

the massage chair!

I love that thing.

I wanna be buried with it.

This is awesome!

Whatever happened

to waiting at least

two years before

moving in with a guy?

Well, the rules are,

there are no rules.

When multiple orgasms

are involved. (MOCK GASPS)

Shut up! I thought

those were a myth!

So did I, dude.

So did I.

Well, I e-mailed Nicholas.

And?

And nothing.

I mean, I wasn't

expecting a response

after the crap

that I pulled, but...

I just wanted

to clear the air.

Good.

So, listen.

I got a huge advance

check for my book.

Wow, dude,

you are killing it!

And I want to

invest a portion of it.

Okay.

See, I've been

working on this project

that I want to piggyback

off the book release.

I need you to

partner with me, 50-50.

It feels great.

But I'm not surprised at all.

I knew I'd make it

past round four.

I was born to win this.

The golden crotch

remains intact!

Oh, my gosh!

You guys, I can't be late.

We have to go.

Come on. Come on!

Hi, look at you!

Take your hand?

Let's go. Let's go!

Come on. Baby, let's go.

It's so much fun.

I know.

Ready, one, two...

Ready?

Hey! We made it.

Hey.

Thanks for coming,

everybody.

Kim, front and center.

Patti, thanks for coming.

Jayde, get your

weights up. Great.

Here we go, guys.

We're gonna start

with a lift and touch.

Lift and touch.

Get those arms tight.

Get those loose knees.

Henri, out of here!

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Lift up and down.

There we go. Looking good.

Oh, my God!

We look like such tools.

I love it!

I know, I can't believe

we're gonna be on demand,

dude, it's so good.

Who knew we'd be able

to capitalize on me

getting knocked up?

HENRl:
Babe, you here?

Yep.

Nicholas and I

got burritos.

We're gonna

shoot a little pool.

Is that cool?

Cool. Yep.

What? Nicholas is here?

Kim.

What am I gonna do?

I'm gonna hide.

Kim.

I can't hide.

Max is here! Oh, my God!

Kim! Kim.

Oh, Jesus, how do I look?

You look beautiful.

It's gonna be okay.

Okay.

Hey. Oh!

Hey.

Hi.

Henri?

What?

Do you wanna go in

the other room and

feel me up?

Yeah, I do.

Okay.

Bye, Deena.

Don't feel her up.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

I got your e-mail...

Yeah.

And I don't think

that you are a...

"A flaming piece of sh*t,"

or "A pox on

the face of dignity."

You don't?

I understand why

someone might not

tell someone something,

because they are afraid of

the way they might react.

All right. This is hard.

I'm

married.

Oh!

No, technically,

I'm separated.

She moved out

before you and I met.

Actually, I'm four days away

from being legally divorced.

But this year

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