Life Of Brian Page #3

Judean People's Front.

- Yeah!

- Splitters!

- And the Judean Popular People's Front.

- Oh, yeah! Splitters!

- And the People's Front of Judea.

- Splitters!

- What?

- The People's Front of Judea.

We're the People's Front of Judea!

Oh. I thought we were

the Popular Front.

People's Front!

- What happened to the Popular Front?

- He's over there.

Splitter!

Oh! I think I'm about

to have a cardiac arrest.

- Absolutely dreadful.

Brother! Haha!

What's your name?

Brian. Brian Cohen.

We may have a little job

for you, Brian.

What's this, then?

"Romanes eunt domus"?

"People called Romanes,

they go the house"?

Ilt says "Romans, go home."

No, it doesn't.

What's Latin for "Roman"?

- Come on!

- "Romanes"?

- Goes like?

- "Annus"?

- Vocative plural of "annus" is?

- "Anni"?

- "Romani."

- "Eunt"? What is "eunt"?

- "Go."

Conjugate the verb "to go."

"lre, eo, is, it,

imus, itis, eunt."

So "eunt" is?

Third person plural,

present indicative. "They go."

But "Romans, go home" is

an order, so you must use the

- The imperative.

- Which is?

Um, oh, oh, "i."

- How many Romans?

- Aah! Plural, plural.

- "lte."

- "lte."

- "Domus"? Nominative?

"Go home." This is motion

towards, isn't it, Brian?

Dative!

No, not dative!

Accusative, accusative!

- "Domum," sir. "Ad domum."

- Except when "domus" takes the

- Locative, sir.

- Which is?

- "Domum."

- "Domum."

- "Um."

- Understand?

- Yes, sir.

Now, write it out 100 times.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Hail Caesar, sir.

Hail Caesar. If it's not done

by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.

Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you.

Hail Caesar and everything, sir.

Finished!

Right. Now,

don't do it again.

Hey, bloody Romans!

We're gettin' in through the

underground heating system here,

up through into the main

audience chamber here,

and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here.

Having grabbed his wife, we inform

Pilate that she is in our custody...

and forthwith issue our demands.

- Any questions?

- What exactly are the demands?

We're giving Pilate

two days to dismantle...

the entire apparatus of

the Roman lmperialist State,

and if he doesn't agree

immediately, we execute her.

- Cut her head off?

- Cut all her bits off.

Send them back

on the hour, every hour.

And, of course, we point out

that they bear...

full responsibility

when we chop her up...

and that we shall not submit

to blackmail.

No blackmail!

They bled us white, the bastards.

They've taken everything we had.

And not just from us. From our fathers

and from our fathers' fathers.

And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.

Yeah.

- And from our fathers'

fathers' fathers' fathers.

- Don't labor the point.

And what have they ever

given us in return?

- The aqueduct.

- What?

The aqueduct.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

They did give us that.

And the sanitation.

Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg.

Remember what the city used to be like.

Yeah, I'll grant you,

the aqueduct and sanitation are

two things the Romans have done.

- And the roads.

- Well, obviously the roads.

I mean, the roads go

without saying, don't they?

But apart from the sanitation,

the aqueduct and the roads

- lrrigation.

- Medicine.

- Education.

- Yeah, all right. Fair enough.

- And the wine.

Yeah, that's something we'd really miss,

Reg, if the Romans left.

- Public baths.

- And it's safe to walk

in the streets at night.

Yeah, they certainly keep order.

They're the only ones who could

in a place like this.

All right, but apart from

the sanitation, the medicine,

education, wine, public order,

irrigation, roads,

the fresh water system

and public health,

what have the Romans

ever done for us?

- Brought peace.

- Oh, peace! Shut up!

I'm a poor man.

My sight is poor.

My legs are old and bent.

It's all right, Matthias.

It's all clear.

Well, where's Reg?

Oh, Reg. Reg, Judith.

- What went wrong?

- The first blow has been struck.

- Did he finish the slogan?

- A hundred times,

in letters ten foot high,

all the way around the palace.

Oh, great. Great.

We We need doers

in our movement, Brian,

but before you join us, know this:

There is not one of us who

would not gladly suffer death...

to rid this country of

the Romans once and for all.

- Oh, yeah, there's one.

But otherwise, we're solid.

Are you with us?

Yes.

From now on you shall be called

"Brian that is called Brian."

Tell him about the raid

on Pilate's palace, Francis.

Right.

This is the plan.

Now, this is the palace

on Caesar's Square.

Our commando unit will approach

from Fish Street under cover of night...

and make our way

to the northwestern main drain.

If questioned, we are sewage workers

on our way to a conference.

Reg, our glorious leader

and founder of the P.F.J.,

will be coordinating consultant

at the drain head,

though he himself will not be taking

part in any terrorist action...

as he has a bad back.

- Aren't you going to come with us?

- Solidarity, brother.

Oh, yes, solidarity, Reg.

Once in the sewer,

timing will be of the essence.

There is a Roman feast later

in the evening, so you must move fast.

And don't wear

your best sandals.

Turning left here, we enter the

CaesarAugustus memorial sewer,

and from there proceed

directly to the hypocaust.

This has just been retiled. So,

terrorists, careful with those weapons.

We will now be directly beneath

Pilate's audience chamber itself.

This is the moment for Habbakuk

to get out his prong.

Shhh. Shhh.

Campaign for Free Galilee.

Oh, uh, People's Front

of Judea. Officials.

- Oh.

- What's your group doing here?

We're gonna kidnap Pilate's wife,

take her back, issue demands.

- So are we. That's our plan.

- What?

- We were here first.

- What do you mean?

- We thought of it first.

- We did!

Yes, a couple of years ago.

We did!

Come on. You got all your demands

worked out, then?

- Of course we have.

- What are they?

- Well, I'm not telling you.

- Oh, come on!

That's not the point.

We thought of it before you.

- Did not!

- We did!

You bastards, we've been

planning this for months.

Well, tough pity for you,

Fish Face. Oh!

Brothers, we should

be struggling together.

- We mustn't fight each other.

Surely, we should be united

against the common enemy.

The Judean People's Front!

No, no, the Romans!

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he's right.

- Right. Where were we?

- You were gonna punch me.

Brothers!

What

You lucky bastard.

Who's that?

You lucky, lucky bastard.

What?

Quite the little jailer's pet, are we?

- What do you mean?

- You must've slipped him a few shekels.

Slipped him a few shekels?

You saw him spit in my face.

Oh, what wouldn't I give

to be spat at in the face!

I sometimes hang awake at night

dreaming of being spat at in the face.

Well, it's not exactly friendly.

They have me in manacles.

Manacles?

My idea of heaven is to be

allowed to be put in manacles...

just for a few hours.

They must think the sun shines

out of your ass, son.

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