Life Of Brian Page #4

Oh, lay off me!

I've had a hard time!

You've had a hard time?

I've been here five years.

They only hung me the right way

up yesterday, so don't you

All right, all right.

They must think

you're Lord God Almighty.

- What will they do to me?

- Oh, you'll probably

get away with crucifixion.

- Crucifixion?

- Yeah, first offense.

Get away with crucifixion?

It's

- Best thing the Romans ever did for us.

- What?

Oh, yeah, if we didn't have crucifixion,

this country'd be in a bloody mess.

- Guard!

- Nail him up, I say!

- Guard!

- Nail some sense into him!

What do you want?

- I want you to move me to another cell.

- Aah!

- Oh, look at that! Bloody favoritism.

- Shut up, you!

- Sorry.

Now take my case.

They hung me up here five years ago.

Every night, they take me down for

which I regard as very fair

in view of what I've done.

And if nothing else, it's

taught me to respect the Romans,

and it's taught me that you'll

never get anywhere in this life...

unless you're prepared to do

a fair day's work for a fair day's

Oh, shut up!

- Here.

- Pilate wants to see you.

- Me?

- Come on!

Pilate? What's he want

to see me for?

I think he wants to know which way up

you want to be crucified.

Nice one, centurion. Like it.

- Shut up!

- Right, right.

Terrific race, the Romans.

Terrific!

- Hail Caesar.

- Hail.

- Only one survivor, sir.

- Oh. "Thwow" him to the floor.

- What's that?

- Throw him to the floor.

Oh.

Now, what is

your name, Jew?

- Brian, sir.

- "Bwian," eh?

No, no. Brian.

- Aah!

The little rascal

has "spiwit."

- Has what, sir?

- "Spiwit."

Yes, he did, sir.

No, no. "Spiwit," "bwavado,"

a touch of "dewwingdo."

Oh, uh, about 11, sir.

So, you dare to "waid" us?

To what, sir?

"Stwike" him, centurion,

very "woughly."

- Aah!

- And "thwow" him to the floor, sir?

- What?

- "Thwow" him to the floor again, sir?

Oh, yes, "thwow" him

to the floor, please.

- Aah!

- Now, Jewish "wapscallion"

I'm not Jewish.

I'm a Roman.

- A "Woman"?

- No, no. Roman.

Aah!

So, your father was

a "Woman." Who was he?

He was a centurion

in the Jerusalem garrison, sir.

Really?

What was his name?

- "Naughtius Maximus."

Centurion, do you have

anyone of that name in the garrison?

Well, no, sir.

Well, you sound very sure.

Have you checked?

Well, no, sir.

I think it's a joke, sir.

Like, uh, "Sillius Soddus"

or "Biggus Dickus," sir.

What's funny

about "Biggus Dickus"?

Well, it's a joke name, sir.

I have a very great

friend in Rome called Biggus Dickus.

Silence!

What is all this insolence?

You will find yourself

in gladiator school "vewy" quickly...

with "wotten" behavior like that.

Can I go now, sir?

Aaah!

Wait till Biggus Dickus

hears of this.

- "Wight"! Take him away!

- Oh, sir, he

- I want him fighting wild,

"wabid" animals within a week.

Yes, sir.

Come on, you.

I will not have my friends

"widiculed" by the common "soldiewy."

Anyone else feel like

a little giggle...

when I mention my "fwiend,"

- Biggus...

- Dickus?

What about you?

Do you find it "wisible"...

when I say the name...

Biggus... Dickus?

He has a wife, you know?

You know what she's called?

She's called "lncontinentia."

- "lncontinentia Buttocks."

Shut up!

What is all this?

I've had enough of this

"wowdy," "webel" behavior!

- Silence! Quiet!

"Pwaetowian" guards!

Seize him! Seize him!

Blow your noses and seize him!

Hmm? Hmm.

Oh, you lucky bastard.

And the bezan

shall be huge and black...

And the eyes thereof red with

the blood of living creatures!

And the whore of Babylon...

shall ride forth

on a threeheaded serpent!

And throughout the lands

there'll be a great rubbing of parts.

The demon shall bear

a ninebladed sword.

Ninebladed not two

or five or seven, but nine

which he will wield on all wretched

sinners, just like you, sir, there.

And the whoring shall be

on the head of Addius.

There shall in that time

be rumors of things going astray,

um, and there shall be a great confusion

as to where things really are.

And nobody will really know

where lieth...

those little things...

with the sort of raffia work

base that has an attachment.

At this time, a friend

shall lose his friend's hammer,

and the young shall not know

where lieth...

the things possessed

by their fathers...

that their fathers put there

only just the night before about 8:00.

Yea, it is written

in the Book of Cyril...

in that time

How much, quick?

It's for the wife.

- Oh, uh, 20 shekels.

- Right.

- What?

- There you are.

- Wait a minute.

- What?

- We're supposed to haggle.

- No, no, no. I've got to get

- What do you mean, no?

- I haven't got time.

- Well, give it back, then.

- No, no. I just paid you.

- Burt, this bloke won't haggle.

- Won't haggle?

All right.

Do we have to?

- I want 20 for that.

- I just gave you 20.

- Are you telling me

that's not worth 20 shekels?

- No.

- Feel the quality.

That's none of your goat.

- I'll give you 19, then.

- No, no, no. Do it properly.

- What?

- Haggle properly. This isn't worth 19.

- You just said it was worth 20.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Come on, haggle.

- All right, I'll give you ten.

- That's more like it.

Ten? Are you

trying to insult me?

Me with a poor, dying

grandmother? Ten?

- All right, I'll give you 11.

- Now you're gettin' it.

Did I hear you right? Eleven?

This cost me 12. You want to ruin me?

- Seventeen?

- No, no, no, no. Seventeen.

- Eighteen.

- No, no. You go to 14 now.

- All right, I'll give you 14.

- Fourteen? Are you joking?

- That's what you told me to say!

- Oh, dear.

Oh, tell me

what to say, please!

- Offer me 14.

- I'll give you 14.

- He's offering me 14 for this!

- Fifteen!

Seventeen. My last word. I won't take

a penny less, or strike me dead.

- Sixteen.

- Done.

Nice to do business with you.

- I'll throw you in this as well.

- I don't want it, but thanks.

- Burt.

- All right, all right.

- Now, where's the 16 you owe me?

- I just gave you 20.

- Right. That's four I owe you, then.

- That's right. That's fine.

- I've got it here somewhere.

- That's four for the gourd.

Four? For this gourd?

Look at it! It's worth ten

if it's worth a shekel.

- You gave it to me for nothing.

- Yes, but it's worth ten.

All right, all right.

No, no, no, no.

It's not worth ten.

You're supposed to argue.

"Ten for that? You must be mad."

Oh, well.

One born every minute.

- Daniel.

- Daniel.

- Job.

- Job.

- Joshua.

- Joshua.

- Judges.

- Judges.

- And Brian.

- And Brian.

I now propose that all seven

of these exbrothers...

be now entered in the minutes

as probationary martyrs to the cause.

- I second that, Reg.

- Thank you, Loretta. On the nod.

Siblings, let us not

be down on it.

One total catastrophe like this...

is just the beginning!

Their glorious deaths

shall unite us all in

Look out!

Hello?

Matthias?

- Reg?

- Go away.

Reg, it's me, Brian.

Get off!

Get off out of it!

- Stan!

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