Life Of Brian Page #5

- Piss off.

- Yeah, piss off.

- Bugger off.

Oh, sh*t!

Coming.

Yea, verily at that time it is

written in the book of Obadiah,

a man shall strike his donkey

and his nephew's donkey.

My eyes are dim.

I cannot see.

- Are you Matthias?

- Yes.

We have reason to believe

you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth,

a member of the terrorist organization,

the People's Front of Judea.

Me? No.

I'm just a poor old man.

I have no time

for lawbreakers.

My legs are grey.

My ears are nulled.

My eyes are old and bent.

Quiet!

Silly person.

Guards, search the house.

You know the penalty

laid down by Roman law...

for harboring

a known criminal?

- No.

- Crucifixion.

Oh.

- Nasty, eh?

- Could be worse.

What do you mean,

"Could be worse"?

Well, you could be stabbed.

Stabbed? Takes a second.

Crucifixion lasts hours.

It's a slow, horrible death.

Well, at least it gets you

out in the open air.

You're weird.

No, sir.

Couldn't find anything, sir.

Well, don't worry.

You've not seen the last of us, weirdo.

- Big Nose.

- Watch it!

Whew, that was lucky.

I'm sorry, Reg.

Oh, it's all right.

He's sorry.

He's sorry he led the Fifth Legion

straight to our headquarters.

Well, that's all right,

then, Brian. Sit down.

Have a scone.

Make yourself at home. You klutz!

You stupid, birdbrained,

flatheaded

- My legs are old and bent.

My ears are grizzled. Yes?

There's one place

we didn't look. Guards!

- I'm just a poor old man.

My nose is knackered.

Have you ever seen

anyone crucified?

Crucifixion's a doddle.

Don't keep saying that.

Found this spoon, sir.

Well done, sergeant.

We'll be back, oddball.

Open up!

You haven't given us

time to hide.

- ln that time

- The serpent, he shall strike you

- Holes from every b*tch

you got germs from

- Jumbo jets

Don't pass judgement

on other people...

or you might

get judged yourself.

- What?

- I said, don't pass

judgement on other people...

or else you might

get judged too.

- Who, me?

- Yes.

- Thank you very much.

- Not just you. All of you.

- That's a nice gourd.

- What?

- How much do you want for the gourd?

- You can have it.

- Have it?

- Yes. Consider the lilies.

- Don't you want to haggle?

- No. In the field.

- What's wrong with it?

- Nothing. Take it.

- Consider the lilies?

- Well, the birds, then.

- What birds?

- Any birds.

- Why?

- Well, have they got jobs?

- Who?

- The birds.

Have the birds got jobs?

- What's the matter with him?

- Says the birds are scrounging.

The point is, the birds,

they do all right, don't they?

- Well, good luck to 'em.

- Yeah, they're very pretty.

Okay. And you're much more

important than they are, right?

So what are you worrying about?

There you are. See?

I'm worrying about what

you've got against birds.

I haven't got anything

against the birds.

- Consider the lilies.

- He's having a go at the flowers now!

- Give the flowers a chance.

- I'll give you one for it.

- It's yours.

- Two, then.

Look, there was this man,

and he had two servants.

What were they called?

What were their names?

I don't know.

And he gave them some talents.

- You don't know?

- Well, it doesn't matter.

He doesn't know

what they were called!

- They were called Simon and Adrian.

- You said you didn't know!

It really doesn't matter. The point is,

there were these two servants.

- He's making it up as he goes along.

- No, I'm not!

And he gave them

Wait, were there three?

- Oh, he's terrible.

- There were two or three.

- Oh, get off!

Now hear this!

Blessed are they...

- Three.

- who convert their neighbor's asses.

- For they shall inhibit their girth.

- Rubbish!

- And to them only shall be given

to them only...

shall be given

- What?

- Hmm?

- Shall be given what?

- Oh, nothing.

- What were you going to say?

- Nothing.

- Yes, you were going to say something.

- No, I finished.

- Tell us before you go.

- I'm finished.

- No, you don't.

- Why won't he tell?

- Won't say!

- It ain't a secret, is it?

- Must be, otherwise he'd tell us.

- Tell us.

- Leave me alone.

- What is the secret?

- ls it the secret of eternal life?

- He won't say.

If I knew the secret

of eternal life, I wouldn't say.

- Leave me alone!

- Just tell me, please.

- We were here first.

- Go away!

- Tell us, master.

- ls that his gourd?

- Yeah, but it's under offer.

This is his gourd.

- Ten!

- It is his gourd!

We will carry it

for you, master.

- Master?

- He's gone!

- He's been taken up.

He's been taken up!

- Nineteen!

- No, there he is. Over there.

Look! Oh! Oh!

He has given us a sign.

He has given us his shoe!

The shoe is the sign.

Let us follow his example.

- What?

- Let us, like him, hold up one shoe!

For this is his sign that all

who follow him shall do likewise!

- Yes!

- No, no. The shoe is a sign...

that we must gather shoes

together in abundance.

Cast off the shoes.

Follow the gourd!

No, let us gather shoes

together! Let me!

No, it is a sign that, like him, we must

think not of the things of the body...

but of the face and head.

- Give me your shoe!

- Get off!

Follow the gourd,

the Holy Gourd of Jerusalem!

- The gourd!

- Hold up the sandal,

as he has commanded us.

- It is a shoe!

- It's a sandal!

- No, it isn't!

- Cast it away!

- Put it on!

- Clear off!

Take the shoes

and follow him!

Come back! Stop!

Let us Let us pray.

Yea, he cometh to us...

Iike the seeds of the grain.

Master! Master!

Hey! ls there

another way down?

Is there another path

down to the river?

Please, please help me.

I've got to get

Oh, my foot! Oh

- Shhh.

- Oh, damn, damn, damn!

- I'm sorry.

- Oh, damn, damn it! Blast it!

- I'm sorry. Shhh.

- Don't you "shhh" me.

Eighteen years of total silence,

and you "shhh" me!

- What?

- I've kept my vow for 18 years...

Not a single, recognizable,

articulate sound has passed my lips.

Could you be quiet

for another five minutes?

It doesn't matter now.

I might as well enjoy myself.

For the last 18 years,

I've wanted to shout...

and sing and scream

my name out!

- Shhh. Shhh.

- Oh, I'm alive!

Hava nagila, hava nagila

Hava nagila

Oh, I'm alive! I'm alive!

Hello, birds. Hello, trees.

I'm alive! I'm alive!

Hava nagila

Hava n'ra, n'ra

Master! Master! Master!

- Master!

- The master! He is here!

- His shoe led us to him!

Speak! Speak to us, master.

Speak to us!

Go away!

A blessing! A blessing!

How shall we go away, master?

Oh, just go away

and leave me alone!

Give us a sign!

He has given us a sign!

He has brought us to this place!

I didn't bring you here.

You just followed me.

Oh, it's still a good sign

by any standard.

Master, your people

have walked many miles to be with you!

They are weary

and have not eaten.

It's not my fault

they haven't eaten.

There is no food

in this high mountain!

What about the juniper

bushes over there?

A miracle! A miracle!

He has made the bush

fruitful by his words!

They've brought forth

juniper berries.

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