Life Of Brian Page #6

Of course! They're juniper bushes!

What do you expect!

Show us another miracle.

Do not tempt him, shallow ones!

Is not the miracle of

the juniper bushes enough?

I say, those

are my juniper bushes!

- They are a gift from God.

- They're all I've got to eat.

I say, get off those bushes.

Go on. Clear off.

Lord, I am affected

by a bald patch.

I'm healed!

The master has healed me!

I didn't touch him!

I was blind,

and now I can see!

A miracle! A miracle!

- Tell them to stop it.

I hadn't said a word

for 18 years till he came along.

A miracle!

He is the Messiah!

He hurt my foot!

- Hurt my foot!

- Hurt mine!

- Hail Messiah!

- I'm not the Messiah.

I say you are, Lord, and I should know.

I've followed a few.

Hail Messiah!

I'm not the Messiah!

Will you please listen?

I'm not the Messiah!

Do you understand? Honestly!

Only the true Messiah

denies his divinity.

What? Well, what sort of chance

does that give me?

All right,

I am the Messiah!

He is!

He is the Messiah!

Now, f*** off!

How shall we

f*** off, O Lord?

Just leave me alone!

You told these people

to eat my juniper berries!

You break my bloody foot,

you break my vow of silence...

and then you try to clean up

on my juniper bushes!

- Lay off!

- This is the Messiah, the Chosen One!

- No, he's not.

- An unbeliever!

- An unbeliever!

- Persecute. Kill the heretic!

- Seize him!

- Leave him alone!

Leave him alone!

Leave him alone.

Let him go! Please!

- Brian?

- Judith?

Cockadoodledoo!

Look! There he is!

The Chosen One has woken!

Brian!

- Brian!

- Hang on, Mother!

Shhh.

- Hello, Mother.

- Don't you "Hello, Mother" me!

What are all those people

doing out there?

- Well, I

- Come on. What have you been up to?

I think they must have

popped by for something.

Popped by?

Swarmed by, more like.

There's a multitude out there!

They started following me yesterday.

Well, they can stop

following you right now.

Now, stop following my son!

You ought to be

ashamed of yourselves.

The Messiah! The Messiah!

Show us the Messiah!

- The who?

- The Messiah!

There's no messiah in here.

There's a mess, all right,

but no messiah. Now, go away.

Brian! Brian!

Right, my lad.

What have you been up to?

- Nothing, Mum.

- Come on, out with it.

Well, they think

I'm the Messiah, Mum.

What have you

been telling them?

- Nothing. I only

- You're only making it

worse for yourself.

- I can explain.

- Let me explain, Mrs. Cohen!

- Your son is a born leader.

Those people out there are following him

because they believe in him.

They believe he can give them hope

hope of a new life,

a new world,

a better future!

- Who's that?

That's Judith, Mum.

Judith, Mother.

Hmm. Aaah!

- Ohhh!

- Messiah! Messiah! Messiah!

Messiah!

Show us the Messiah!

Now, you listen here.

He's not the Messiah!

He's a very naughty boy.

Now, go away!

- Who are you?

- I'm his mother, that's who.

Behold his mother!

Behold his mother!

Hail to thee,

mother of Brian!

Blessed art thou!

Hosanna!

All praise to thee,

now and always!

Well, now don't think

you can get around me like that.

He's not coming out,

and that's my final word.

- Now, shove off!

- No!

- Did you hear what I said?

- Yes!

Oh, I see.

It's like that, is it?

- Yes!

- Oh, all right, then.

You can see him for one minute,

but not one second more!

- Do you understand?

- Yes.

- Promise?

- Well... all right.

All right, here he is, then.

Come on, Brian. Come and talk.

- But, Mum, Judith.

- Oh, leave that Welsh tart alone.

I don't really want to.

Brian! Brian!

Brian! Brian!

- Good morning.

- A blessing! A blessing!

No, no. Please.

Please, please listen.

I've got one or two

things to say.

Tell us!

Tell us both of them!

Look, you've

got it all wrong.

You don't need to follow me.

You don't need

to follow anybody.

You've got to think

for yourselves.

You're all individuals.

Yes, we're all individuals!

You're all different.

Yes, we're all different!

- I'm not.

- Shhh.

You've all got to work it

out for yourselves.

Yes, we've got to work it

out for ourselves!

Exactly.

Tell us more!

No! That's the point!

Don't let anyone tell you what to do!

Otherwise Ow!

That's enough.

That's enough.

Ooh, that wasn't a minute!

- Oh, yes it was!

- Oh, no it wasn't!

Now, stop that!

And go away!

- Excuse me?

- Yes?

- Are you a virgin?

- I beg your pardon!

Well, if it's not a personal

question, are you a virgin?

If it's not

a personal question?

How much more personal

can you get?

Now, piss off!

- She is.

- Yeah, definitely.

- Morning, Savior.

Lay your hands

on me, quick!

Now, don't jostle

the Chosen One, please.

Don't push that baby

in the Savior's face.

I say, could you just

see my wife?

You'll have to wait,

I'm afraid.

We've got

a luncheon appointment.

The lepers are queuing.

My brotheronlaw

is the exmayor of Gath!

Brian, can I introduce

the gentleman who's letting us

have the Mounts on Sunday?

- Don't push!

- And keep the noise down!

Those possessed by devils,

try and keep them under control.

Incurables, you'll just

have to wait for a few minutes.

Um, women taken in sin, line up

against that wall, will you?

Brian? Brian,

you were fantastic.

You weren't so bad yourself.

No. What you said just now.

It was quite extraordinary.

What?

All that, was it?

We don't any leaders.

You're so right.

- Reg has been dominating us

for too long.

- Well, yes.

- It needed saying,

and you said it, Brian.

- You're very attractive.

It's our revolution.

We can all do it together.

- I think. I think

- We're all behind you, Brian.

- The revolution is in your hands!

- What?

No, that's not

what I meant at all!

You're f***in' nicked,

me old beauty.

Right.

Stop it.

Well, "Bwian," you've given us

a good "wun" for our money, what?

But this time, I "guawantee"

you will not escape.

Guard, do we have any

"cwucifixions" today?

Passover, sir.

Right. Now we have 140.

Nice, round number, eh, Biggus?

- Hail Caesar!

- Hail.

- The crowd outside getting restless.

Permission

to disperse them, please.

Disperse them?

I haven't addressed them yet.

I know, sir, but

My "addwess" is one of

the high points of the Passover.

My "fwiend" Biggus Dickus has

come all the way from "Wome."

- Hail Caesar.

- Hail "Thaesar,"

You're not

Are you not thinking of giving it

a miss this year, then, sir?

Give it a miss?

Well, it's just that they're in

a rather funny mood today, sir.

"Weally," "centuwion," I'm "surpwised"

to hear a man like you...

"wattled" by

a "wabble" of "wowdy" "webels."

- Uh, a bit thundery, sir.

- Take him away.

I'm a Roman!

Il can prove it! Honestly!

And "cwucify" him well.

Yes.

Biggus.

- Il really wouldn't, sir.

- Out of the way, "centuwion."

Let me come with you,

Pontius.

I may be of "thome" "athistance"

if there is a "thudden" "crithis."

Right. Now item four:

Attainment of world supremacy

within the next five years.

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