Life of the Party Page #2

Would you care

for another drink?

Uh, nothing for us.

We got to go.

Where?

Got a train to catch.

Not yet.

Not yet.

Yeah, yet.

Oh, come on.

Just stay...

stay one more round.

No can do, pal.

Geez!

Let's go.

It's nice to meet you.

Listen, Mikey,

if you need anything...

...okay, I'm a phone call away.

All right. See you.

So... Caroline...

May I call you Caroline?

It's not Cary or

Dave or anything, is it?

So... Caroline...

What can I say?

Um, God, how can

I say this? I, um...

Do you remember

Don Quixote?

He had a way of wanting

people to think.

...that he was a shimmery, glimmery

knight in fabulous armor.

In actuality, he had a helmet

made of cardboard...

...and he was tilting at windmills

because he was, uh...

How do I say this? Um...

I, uh...

I'm...

Married...

...for a while now

and no other women so far.

I just, uh, knew you'd be safe.

Safe?

Sexually.

Ah.

Is that what we're here for?

Yes.

I suppose I am very safe.

You see, Caroline...

I still do love the woman

that I'm married to.

And although we're

temporarily, um...

I couldn't...

with anyone else, that is...

I couldn't be...

Serious.

Yeah, exactly.

Hmm... who's serious?

I'm home.

Correction:
I'm here.

I really want to talk to you.

Damn it.

Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.

I didn't mean to wake you up.

Geez!

Mike!

What?

Are you all right?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

I just went over

to the house.

I lost my car keys.

Can you believe it?

Well, hell, stay the night.

Oh, no, no, no. Uh...

I was thinking

I'd borrow some wheels.

Oh, man, my Camry's

in the shop.

Well, I was thinking...

What?

I'll have it back tomorrow

night, I swear to God.

I wouldn't presume, believe me.

But I promised Caroline...

...the blonde.

You remember the blonde?

Anyway, I told her I'd

take her to Ellis Island.

...first thing in the a. M.

Why?

I don't know.

I guess... 'cause

I've been sleeping with her.

You're having sex

with the blonde?

A little.

Nothing overwhelming.

Anyway, I thought I'd do

something with her.

...aside from having sex

...because...

I'm not really proud of it.

She's fine, but I thought

I'd mix it up...

...take her sightseeing.

And Phoebe's?

She's also

having sex.

Not with me, obviously,

or she would have been home.

The point is... No car keys.

I look at this car.

I never drive it.

It's a car, Artie.

Somewhere in the bowels of its

painstakingly polished cylinders.

...it's crying out,

"Drive me. "

Gently, gently...

You are a prince

among friends, friend.

Hey, get out of here.

You got it in low, Mikey.

Shift it, Mikey! Shift it!

The drums roll out.

The trumpet call.

While the people shout.

"Strike up the band"

Hear the cymbals ring?

Callin' one and all.

To the martial swing.

Strike up the band.

Looking good.

Thought we'd toast

your survival.

Thank you.

I forgot the law.

Damn frickin' law.

What? You're cool, man.

You ditched on

Felder's property.

There's no public damage,

there's no...

No, no, no, no, the other law.

An object in motion

will remain in motion.

...until confronted

with an object at rest.

Hence, a car

hitting a tree.

will axiomatically

adversely affect the car.

Sure, I guess.

Makes sense.

Hey, want a slice?

Absolutely not.

Come on,

you got to eat.

One bruised rib.

That makes you luckier

than my car.

Come here.

I will get that pony back

on her wobbly legs, I swear.

Whatever it takes.

Don't worry about the car.

It's you.

No, it's the car.

How did this

get in here?

Hmm... Some wiggy nurse.

Third floor haberdashery.

Are you insane? You're

bringing that in here now?

What, you expect him

to eat hospital food?

The booze, you dimwitted,

imbecilic...

Who gave him a car after he

had 12 for the road, huh?

I didn't know.

What, he was going to steal

your car at 2:
00 in the morning?

Ellis Island?

Glad you could make it.

He's lying in there

all screwed up.

...if you're interested.

You should see my car.

Oh...

Do you know how long it took

me to find a 1965 Mustang.

...in mint condition wi

th 96,000 miles on it?

And I'm connected!

I mean, I know where cars are.

What did you come

here for?

To call your service,

take down your messages?

We'll take it.

Thank you.

We have an appointment.

4:
30 Thursday.

Best man I could find.

Who has an appointment?

Whoever cares.

Whoever decides they don't want

him to kill himself next time.

You should try

and be there.

F. Scott Fitzgerald...

Edgar Allan Poe...

Jim Thorpe...

Ulysses S. Grant...

Isadora Duncan...

Edith Piaf...

Stop me when you see

the connecting thread.

Special people...

very similar to your friend.

They drank to relax,

feel stimulated...

...any reason they could find.

They functioned...

...they achieved varying.

...degrees of success.

...and they caused

great suffering.

Their friends tried to help...

...but they lacked

one important resource.

Any guesses?

A technique.

I heard about this, okay?

I'm a musician.

We corner the guy...

we say all these

stupid things to him...

...and we make him

feel like dirt.

Great freaking technique.

Interventions

have been called.

"the surprise party

from hell. "

The goal, however,

is not to make him feel.

...like hell, exactly,

but to let him know

...he has to change...

...or risk losing all of you.

He'll never lose me.

Me, either.

Quiet.

So. How it begins.

You'll need to come up

with a ruse...

...a way of getting him there.

without him knowing why,

of course.

I was thinking

we should go through.

...all the junk together.

...and decide

what to keep or toss.

Something he feels compelled

to show up for.

Saturday at noon?

I miss the hell out of you.

Did I mention that?

Is it a date?

With you?

Absolutely...

Family is

an important part of this;

...his parents should

certainly be included.

It'll be so fun

seeing Michael!

Can you believe it's b

een since last spring?

For God's sake,

he drove into a tree.

He's a boozed-up peckerhead!

Didn't you hear anything

they said on the phone?

I heard

perfectly well, Jack.

They're having a little

get-together for Michael...

...and they'd like us

to come.

Sometimes, I wonder

what planet.

...you're living

on, Evelyn.

Chiffon or silk?

People at work, very helpful.

So, I have about

a million better things.

...to do on a Saturday.

Ugh! What is that?

It's black haw root.

Ew. It smells like

a cat died.

Anyone who can point out

his failings in that arena.

I'm sure

it's very good.

Black haw, huh?

He mentioned a girlfriend.

As awkward as it may be...

...if she's part of his life

right now...

Wait a minute.

So his wife

knows about me?

It came out.

Things were coming out.

And does he know

that she knows?

Not yet.

Everyone should write down

what they plan to say to him.

It's helpful in the tension

of the moment.

Keep it short, a few sentences.

Give me a mother-loving

minute, will you?

Jack, look...

she's so thin!

Mm.

Phoebe.

Come on! Come on! Come on! After you.

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