Life of the Party Page #5
- R
- Year:
- 2005
- 1,005 Views
What the f***
were you thinking?
It was all Stuart.
- It was his idea.
- Oh, bullshit!
It was.
Who made sure
the blonde showed?
Well, they nominated me.
And my parents.
What, are we in
the fifth grade?
How'd you like
the hall monitor story?
My wife and my friend!
Did you know
that they were?
No... Mikey.
Michael,
listen to me.
Listen to me,
all right, Mike?
People sometimes
are unfaithful.
All right? I mean, even my wife,
even Marjorie, Marjorie...
Marjorie what?
We went to Charleston;
...her grandmother's birthday.
Marjorie has this cousin.
They went on this long walk.
Nobody knew where they were...
...and I don't...
Your wife made
it with her cousin?
You know the South. Kids get
born with, like, 12 toes.
What are you
doing here?
Nothing. I'm just here.
Anyway, she went on this walk
with him, you know?
And when she came
back, she...
...smelled different.
I mean, you know...
...that fishy smell?
Ugh!
And afterwards,
I just... I couldn't...
I couldn't even go
near her for weeks.
Jesus.
I couldn't go near Linda
for five months.
Linda?
The lovely Linda?
Yeah, it was
a stupid night.
Atlantic City. I went down
with some drummer.
There was this club
and this dancer.
...and she did all
her dancing in my lap.
I know. I know.
It sounds seedy.
But man...
...this girl could put
both her legs.
...right behind her head,
right behind my head.
I mean, this girl
was incredible.
She was, she was
the pretzel.
Oh, God.
Sorry. Go ahead. Sorry.
Afterwards, with, uh, Linda,
I felt so guilty...
I- I just couldn't.
Uh, uh, I mean,
I tried everything.
L- I even pretend
ed she was a dancer.
I... Nada.
Nothing seemed to work.
Are you saying.
...you couldn't get an erection
for five months?
Is that what?
I am just asking, okay?
Where have we been?
Cousins, lap dancers...
What happened to telling
Every tiny f***ing step
forward?
Sitting around
talking breasts?
Naked, blinding breasts.
That first trip down
that dark.
...tunnel of mystery...
...paradise.
Lisa Fentner.
Lisa f***in' Fentner.
All right, who's
Lisa Fentner?
- I lost it to her.
- Me, too.
Yeah, but he
was the first.
Yeah, but then
he told her how cool.
we were.
I never told
her anything.
She just liked you guys.
- Yeah, but she liked you first.
- Yeah.
Never had her.
What?
What do you mean?
I never had her.
Then what were you
doing with her?
Saving myself.
Brenda Nichols.
Brenda Nichols?
Yeah, now she
was awesome, right?
No, she we called
Monkey Girl.
She had one eyebrow
across her forehead.
She knew "Ode on a Grecian Urn"
by heart.
- Huh? -
Keats. - Who?
She told it to me line by line.
She taught me how to feel it,
how to know it.
What?
Beauty.
What else?
Aw, screw you.
This whole time Lisa Fentner.
...and you were hung up
on Monkey Girl?
Screw you, dipshit?
Why don't you call the
freakin' fun police on me, huh?
Ah!
God!
It's not fair!
You guys have this past.
What?
I don't have a past
with anybody.
I don't have a friend in the
f***in' world like you guys.
Sure, you do.
Well, you m...
Ah, you don't even like me.
I could learn.
You could?
Sure.
Come here.
Come on.
All right, all right.
You want this or not?
Take the car.
I'll get a cab back.
I don't like this.
You don't want to go
in there, Michael.
What a day,
what a night.
God, you guys.
Maybe he could stay
at your place.
Take a train
in the morning?
Sleepover.
I haven't
done that since...
God, bunk beds.
All right I had you pegged
all wrong, pal.
You are cool.
You're my hero.
See you in
the smoking section.
Good night, Bert.
You guys should
look me up sometime.
I'm listed.
I was going to be unlisted.
...and then I thought,
"Who's going to find me?"
Yeah, I am a changed man!
I really am.
Ah, I hope it lasts.
Just get in the car!
Yeah, I'm coming.
I'm coming.
How's the arm?
Where's your wife?
Michael...
Where is she?
Beth!
He didn't tell you, did he?
Michael...
Want to know how I know?
He wouldn't give up soccer
until he knew he'd made track.
Play it safe, right?
That's you, isn't it?
Beth!
- Where is she?
- Michael...
I want to tell your wife
what you freaking did to me.
Let go of me.
Let go of me.
Come here.
I want to show you something.
Beth left me...
...five months ago.
Took the kids.
It was a long time
coming, and it came.
You mind if I sit down?
I'm on pain medication
for my shoulder...
which for the record,
you successfully popped.
...from its socket.
You've been hiding out here.
...alone?
You've been screwing my wife
for five months?
Well, what the hell
were you doing with her?
Jogging.
What?
One morning after Beth left...
I was jogging and crying.
Phoebe noticed, and I
told her everything.
We found we had a lot in common.
I can't f***ing believe this.
we kissed each other good-bye.
And I held her.
She didn't pull away.
And by the time she did,
I loved her.
You can't love her.
What on Earth do you have
in common with my wife?
Losing you.
She's just
adjusting to it.
I saw it coming.
I don't know...
the genuine article.
...a long time ago.
I don't know what the hell
you're talking about.
I think you do.
to stay with you.
I realized...
...my heart wasn't in it.
I don't need you
on my side, okay?
I'd say the best things
in your god damned life.
walked right out
on your sorry ass...
- What's that?
- What?
That... Uh... Thing.
Gun thing.
It's a gun.
You shooting cans in the yard?
Moose?
I got mugged outside of Columbia
Presbyterian one night.
I... I figured I'd be prepared
if there was a next time.
What are you doing?
I don't know.
No wife, no kids,
I despise you;
...you'll never get my wife;
why don't I hold onto it?
What do you want it for?
I don't want it.
I f***ing hate guns.
I just think may
be I should...
Trust me...
I'm not planning
on shooting myself.
Okay.
Okay.
Good.
Glad to hear it.
Thanks for the concern.
You shouldn't have
kissed my wife.
No matter how much
you wanted to.
Still should be something
said for friendship.
Even if the last time
it was alive and well.
...you were handing me off
the f***ing baton.
something said for it.
You got anything to...
Liquor's in
the living room.
I was going to ask you
if you have anything to eat.
I don't trust you, buddy.
Hit the ball, Evelyn.
You're not playing
the Open here.
Never felt so stupid.
All those people,
their little papers.
In my day, you drank,
you kept it to yourself.
Didn't have
What can I say, Dad?
invited you out for a gabfest.
Not that... Not that
it isn't good to see you.
'Cause it is.
Hit the ball, Evelyn.
Ah.
There we go.
You know, sometimes
they say it's genetic.
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