Life of the Party Page #5

What the f***

were you thinking?

It was all Stuart.

- It was his idea.

- Oh, bullshit!

It was.

Who made sure

the blonde showed?

Well, they nominated me.

And my parents.

What, are we in

the fifth grade?

How'd you like

the hall monitor story?

My wife and my friend!

Did you know

that they were?

No... Mikey.

Michael,

listen to me.

Listen to me,

all right, Mike?

People sometimes

are unfaithful.

All right? I mean, even my wife,

even Marjorie, Marjorie...

Marjorie what?

We went to Charleston;

...her grandmother's birthday.

Marjorie has this cousin.

They went on this long walk.

Nobody knew where they were...

...and I don't...

Your wife made

it with her cousin?

You know the South. Kids get

born with, like, 12 toes.

What are you

doing here?

Nothing. I'm just here.

Anyway, she went on this walk

with him, you know?

And when she came

back, she...

...smelled different.

I mean, you know...

...that fishy smell?

Ugh!

And afterwards,

I just... I couldn't...

I couldn't even go

near her for weeks.

Jesus.

I couldn't go near Linda

for five months.

Linda?

The lovely Linda?

Yeah, it was

a stupid night.

Atlantic City. I went down

with some drummer.

There was this club

and this dancer.

...and she did all

her dancing in my lap.

I know. I know.

It sounds seedy.

But man...

...this girl could put

both her legs.

...right behind her head,

right behind my head.

I mean, this girl

was incredible.

She was, she was

the pretzel.

Oh, God.

Sorry. Go ahead. Sorry.

Afterwards, with, uh, Linda,

I felt so guilty...

I- I just couldn't.

Uh, uh, I mean,

I tried everything.

L- I even pretend

ed she was a dancer.

I... Nada.

Nothing seemed to work.

Are you saying.

...you couldn't get an erection

for five months?

Is that what?

I am just asking, okay?

Where have we been?

Cousins, lap dancers...

What happened to telling

each other every damn thing?

Every tiny f***ing step

forward?

Sitting around

talking breasts?

Naked, blinding breasts.

That first trip down

that dark.

...tunnel of mystery...

...paradise.

Lisa Fentner.

Lisa f***in' Fentner.

All right, who's

Lisa Fentner?

- I lost it to her.

- Me, too.

Yeah, but he

was the first.

Yeah, but then

he told her how cool.

we were.

I never told

her anything.

She just liked you guys.

- Yeah, but she liked you first.

- Yeah.

Never had her.

What?

What do you mean?

I never had her.

Then what were you

doing with her?

Saving myself.

Brenda Nichols.

Brenda Nichols?

Yeah, now she

was awesome, right?

No, she we called

Monkey Girl.

She had one eyebrow

across her forehead.

She knew "Ode on a Grecian Urn"

by heart.

- Huh? -

Keats. - Who?

She told it to me line by line.

She taught me how to feel it,

how to know it.

What?

Beauty.

What else?

Aw, screw you.

This whole time Lisa Fentner.

...and you were hung up

on Monkey Girl?

Screw you, dipshit?

Why don't you call the

freakin' fun police on me, huh?

Ah!

God!

It's not fair!

You guys have this past.

What?

I don't have a past

with anybody.

I don't have a friend in the

f***in' world like you guys.

Sure, you do.

Well, you m...

Ah, you don't even like me.

I could learn.

You could?

Sure.

Come here.

Come on.

All right, all right.

You want this or not?

Take the car.

I'll get a cab back.

I don't like this.

You don't want to go

in there, Michael.

What a day,

what a night.

God, you guys.

Maybe he could stay

at your place.

Take a train

in the morning?

Sleepover.

I haven't

done that since...

God, bunk beds.

All right I had you pegged

all wrong, pal.

You are cool.

You're my hero.

See you in

the smoking section.

Good night, Bert.

You guys should

look me up sometime.

I'm listed.

I was going to be unlisted.

...and then I thought,

"Who's going to find me?"

Yeah, I am a changed man!

I really am.

Ah, I hope it lasts.

Just get in the car!

Yeah, I'm coming.

I'm coming.

How's the arm?

Where's your wife?

Michael...

Where is she?

Beth!

He didn't tell you, did he?

Michael...

Want to know how I know?

He wouldn't give up soccer

until he knew he'd made track.

Play it safe, right?

That's you, isn't it?

Beth!

- Where is she?

- Michael...

I want to tell your wife

what you freaking did to me.

Let go of me.

Let go of me.

Come here.

I want to show you something.

Beth left me...

...five months ago.

Took the kids.

It was a long time

coming, and it came.

You mind if I sit down?

I'm on pain medication

for my shoulder...

which for the record,

you successfully popped.

...from its socket.

You've been hiding out here.

...alone?

You've been screwing my wife

for five months?

I never screwed your wife.

Well, what the hell

were you doing with her?

Jogging.

What?

One morning after Beth left...

I was jogging and crying.

Phoebe noticed, and I

told her everything.

We found we had a lot in common.

I can't f***ing believe this.

One morning after that...

we kissed each other good-bye.

And I held her.

She didn't pull away.

And by the time she did,

I loved her.

You can't love her.

What on Earth do you have

in common with my wife?

Losing you.

She's just

adjusting to it.

I saw it coming.

I don't know...

I think you stopped being

the genuine article.

...a long time ago.

I don't know what the hell

you're talking about.

I think you do.

I tried telling her

to stay with you.

I realized...

...my heart wasn't in it.

I don't need you

on my side, okay?

I'd say the best things

in your god damned life.

walked right out

on your sorry ass...

- What's that?

- What?

That... Uh... Thing.

Gun thing.

It's a gun.

You shooting cans in the yard?

Moose?

I got mugged outside of Columbia

Presbyterian one night.

I... I figured I'd be prepared

if there was a next time.

What are you doing?

I don't know.

No wife, no kids,

I despise you;

...you'll never get my wife;

why don't I hold onto it?

What do you want it for?

I don't want it.

I f***ing hate guns.

I just think may

be I should...

Trust me...

I'm not planning

on shooting myself.

Okay.

Okay.

Good.

Glad to hear it.

Thanks for the concern.

You shouldn't have

kissed my wife.

No matter how much

you wanted to.

Still should be something

said for friendship.

Even if the last time

it was alive and well.

...you were handing me off

the f***ing baton.

There still should be

something said for it.

You got anything to...

Liquor's in

the living room.

I was going to ask you

if you have anything to eat.

I don't trust you, buddy.

Hit the ball, Evelyn.

You're not playing

the Open here.

Never felt so stupid.

All those people,

their little papers.

In my day, you drank,

you kept it to yourself.

Didn't have

a gabfest about it.

What can I say, Dad?

They certainly never would've

invited you out for a gabfest.

Not that... Not that

it isn't good to see you.

'Cause it is.

Hit the ball, Evelyn.

Ah.

There we go.

You know, sometimes

they say it's genetic.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes