Life of the Party Page #4

Everything is fine.

Could I have

a spritzer, please?

What is wrong with you?

What?

You don't drink!

Yes, I do!

On special occasions.

I'm going

to have a diet Coke.

I mean, if everyone's okay

with that.

Mike, so that you know...

...you can drink today

if you want.

For God's sake!

I'm only saying what the

guy said on the phone!

He said to keep things

as normal as possible.

You're not supposed

to encourage him!

I'm not encouraged.

I can handle it.

- We're not doing this right.

- Sure, you are.

Here I am.

Got my ass glued

to the chair.

Doing my damndest to see this

from your point of view.

Christ... I hit a tree.

You call some dingbat shrink...

...you set up

this dog-and-pony show.

Look, I don't want to put

a damper on this or anything...

...but in my opinion...

...all you lovely, lovely people

overreacted.

The doctor said that

it was a cry for help, Mike.

That's funny.

I thought it was a car accident.

He said

you'd downplay it...

...maybe you'd get defensive.

Well, what did he say

I wouldn't say?

Because I want

to be original here.

He said you'd fight

us the whole way.

The goal at the end of this...

...is for you to get help.

And if you don't, for all

of us to say and mean...

- we're done with you.

- Oh...

This is serious business.

It's not a day out at the club.

Okay, now I know.

Always good to know

the parameters.

Lunch, anyone?

The doctor called and said

we should start without him.

Now-or-never

type of thing.

Stuart's going

to be the moderator.

At least, there were

no other volunteers, so...

Do you know that song?

No, but you do.

"Long before I knew you,

long before I met you...

I was sure I'd find you,

someday, somehow. "

And I did.

How about a dance?

Come on, I'm facing

the music here.

One dance,

then I'm yours.

They're waiting, and we

can't start without you.

It is a nightmare,

that table.

And you're

the guest of honor.

Come on.

Oh, God,

I brought it with me.

I know I did. Uh...

Uh... Hmm.

Just say it.

From memory?

Yes.

I had details.

I need notes I rely on.

Then give up

your f***in' turn.

No. Everyone has

to have a turn.

Well, I'll go.

It's not your turn,

Evelyn.

- I don't mind.

- It's not your turn, Evelyn.

I don't mind.

They're going

counterclockwise.

L- I don't mind.

I'll go.

Which way would

the big hand go.

...if it were going around

backwards, Evelyn?

I'll have that Chabl

is now, please.

Okay, okay, I'll go.

I'll do it.

Uh, basically, it went

something like...

"You screw up at work...

...You're a screwup. "

That's it?

You're writing the freakin'

Encyclopedia Britannica, and...

I was writing an outline

of the argument.

When I was on the debate team

at Ohio State...

I was really good

at the opening presentation...

...but when it came

to the back-and-forth after...

...it was like

the connection between.

...my brain and my mouth

just shut down.

There was this blackness.

Everything got

very muddy and...

Excuse me.

Yeah?

This isn't your intervention.

Sure, I'm sorry.

Even though

you're obviously.

way more f***ed

up than he is.

Can he talk to

me like that?

- Is that okay?

- No, no.

No one can talk to anyone.

This is not a dialogue.

This is not a discussion.

We each say our piece,

and then we're done.

I think you drink.

...because you are trapped by

the Western concept of success.

...as a ladder we must

climb in order.

...to justify our existence.

Excuse me, Miss,

I know you're not from here...

...but success happens to mean

a great deal in this country.

I appreciate this country

far better than you, I am sure.

I can recite the Constitution

and its amendments.

...in ascending or descending

order, whichever you prefer.

Simply put, you're reckless.

You destroyed my car.

I wrote:

I've always been

very proud of you.

Which was a very important

part of my life.

And I always will be.

You're a screwup.

In my opinion...

...sobriety is

an extremely overrated.

...state of mind.

You're incapable of drinking...

You're top of the pops.

...and functioning responsibly.

King of the road, pal.

...which makes you a danger

to yourself...

Don't go changing a hair.

...and society.

That's all I got to say.

That's because you've had

four cocktails.

Screw you!

Sit down.

- You screw up at work.

- Bottom line:

I don't think

you should drink and drive.

I don't get it.

But it's not as bad.

...as destroying yourself.

Period.

And just remember...

Didn't have to write that.

...hall monitor.

Mom...

Yes, dear?

Don't do this.

You're not supposed to comment

until you've heard everyone out.

Don't be so modest.

He had a little accident

his first day at school.

Maybe it was the excitement.

...or the prunes I put

in his cereal for regularity.

In any case,

I ran right over.

with a fresh little

pair of pants.

And because he was so brave...

...his teacher made him

hall monitor.

And he got to make

all those little monsters.

who were laughing at

him be quiet...

...and stop calling

him names.

...like "Stinky. "

And he marched them

single-file...

- Evelyn!... Straight

down to the cafeteria.

...and then he separated the

hot lunch from the sack kids.

- Evelyn!

- And then he made them stand...

- Evelyn!

- Oh!

There was a restaurant

we went to a while ago.

You didn't realize they hadn't

gotten their liquor license yet...

...and you did your best.

...the whole time

we were there.

It was as though you

were counting the seconds.

...until we could leave

and you could have.

...that after-dinner drink...

or three.

And there'd be more to say

and more to feel.

It wasn't enough

without that extra something.

...to ease the burden

of it just being us.

That about wrap it up?

Wait.

There's, um, there's something

else I have to say.

Stuart!

Get off, man.

Get off of him!

I'm saving his life.

I know Heimlich.

He's having

an asthma attack.

He's choking!

I know Heimlich!

What's your problem?

Help me out, will ya?

Put his arms up

above his head.

- All right, listen, deep breaths, all right?

- I didn't finish.

Relax. It's all right.

Just take it easy.

I'd do anything...

No, no, no.

Take it easy.

Relax!

I... I...

I love your wife!

Oh, for God's sake!

I deserve her.

She, she understands.

Is he the one?

She... She understands.

Was it him?

This is ridiculous!

Michael!

Hey!

Michael! Michael!

What are you doing?

Oh!

I love your wife!

I love her!

My cake!

I've never been thrown

out of a place in my life.

He used to sleep over.

I made him waffles.

I'm going

to kill him.

No. Come on, Michael.

Listen.

Hey, you did great,

you know?

You sent him

to the hospital.

Took him out, buddy.

Where you guys going?

This, this moderator guy.

...is making it with your wife?

Okay, okay.

Leave me alone!

No! No way! Mike!

Okay, you're angry.

He hates us.

I know.

Oh!

F*** it...

Here.

What?

Guys, I'm heading back.

Do you want this? We're...

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