Life Partners Page #2

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f***ed him like an hour into it...

and he's already gone. Uh...

Remember that? What was

that guy's name, Cory...

- I'll call you back.

Cory, huh? That, um...

It only took Cory an hour?

I... Um...

I don't usually

do things like that. Um...

What were his moves?

It was, um...

You know what? I'm over it.

Okay.

It's fine.

We all have our Corys.

Mmmmmmm.

There you are.

How was your date?

Uh, you first.

Where do I start? Um...

Well, she is a baritone.

Um, she has a tattoo of the

female symbol on her wrist,

and her license plate

says "BABY BOI," with an "I."

- Are you peeing?

- Yeah.

I love how you call me

right before you pee...

instead of just waiting the

10 seconds till you're done.

Hold on one second.

You're on speaker now.

I'm brushing my teeth.

I think that my favorite part

of the date...

was when she put up

two fingers...

and said... "Sit on it."

Ew!

What? Why? I don't know.

I think she thought

she was flirting.

So, how was your date

with "Gotcha"?

Was he wearing a message tee?

Um, he was.

And he quotes movies a lot.

I didn't even get

most of the references.

Like, "I wake up in the morning

and piss excellence."

Talladega Nights.

Oh.

Well, I guess we're gonna

end up dying alone like planned.

Um, actually,

he asked me out again,

and I said yes.

I don't know.

I kind of had fun with him.

Oh. Cool.

When are you guys

going out again?

Tomorrow.

Which one of us is the lesbian?

F***.

Oh.

Hey. I didn't see you in there.

You didn't see

my car either, huh?

Well, it was blocking

my driveway, so...

Uh, I wouldn't say

it's blocking your driveway.

It's got

a pretty wide berth here.

Yeah, but you're over the line.

Over the line? Yeah.

This... The line.

Yeah, well, even if I were,

uh, over the line,

I don't think that means

you can just run into my car.

I'm gonna be late for work,

so can we just deal with this

later since we're neighbors?

I should report this

to my insurance today.

I mean, it's a brand-new car.

My wife would kill me.

You're insured, right?

Of course I'm insured. Okay.

I really don't see

how this is my fault.

Yeah. Well, you know,

we can just let the insurance

companies deal with all that.

Um...

Whoop. Okay.

Uh, there you go.

Thank you. Mm-hmm.

Um, drive safe. I always do.

You... You got it.

Grossman Properties.

Please hold.

Busy day?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Finished everything I had to do,

so I thought

I'd catch up on the news.

Hmm.

Will you make sure

this goes out today?

Yeah. Of course.

And maybe you can work on separating the

mail since you're not doing anything else.

Oh, I already did it.

Took like 10 minutes.

Okay, well, in general,

whenever you have downtime...

which I don't remember having

when I had your job...

But since you do,

it might be a good idea...

for you to read something

related to the company.

We just started construction

on five projects this week.

Are you familiar

with all of them?

Not yet.

But that's great advice.

Thank you, Valerie.

Great. Okay. Bye.

It didn't...

Oh. I'm sorry. That

didn't buzz you in? No.

Okay. Try again.

Uh...

Did you get it? No. It's still...

One more time.

Ow, I just...

It's been acting up all morning.

I'm sorry.

Got it?

Yeah. Thank you. Okay. Bye.

Hey!

Open up. I gotta

poop in your toilet.

Hi. Oh, my God.

Ah, Sasha, I'm Tim.

Hi. Oh, God. Yeah. Hi.

How are you? Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry.

Did Paige not tell you...

that I was crashing

your TV night?

No. It's okay.

Uh... Come on in.

I'm sorry that I was so gross

about the bathroom thing before.

I just didn't know anyone

else was here, and I...

Hey, everybody poops. Yeah.

Oh, good. You two met.

I'll go get the wine. Okay.

I'll go help her.

Nice to meet you.

Dude. Hmm?

Why didn't you tell me

Tim was gonna be here?

I didn't know

until like an hour ago.

He called me on his way home from

work, and I thought it'd be real fun.

Well, I wish you

would have warned me...

because then I wouldn't

have... worn pajama pants...

with a hole in the dick.

You're wearing makeup and real clothes.

You look pretty.

The guy is wearing a braided belt.

He's not judging.

And he knows we're

watching Top Model, right?

Yeah. He's never seen it before.

How fun is this gonna be?

My mom was my rock,

and she, you know,

gave me strength.

Wait, now, didn't her

mom abandon her?

Yes, but it's complicated.

I know that...

Okay, now, what does a tea

ceremony have to do with modeling?

Just watch it, and I'll

explain it to you later.

Okay. I'm gonna remember this when

I'm making you watch Lebowski.

You've never seen Big Lebowski?

Thank you.

I've seen the first half of it.

The first half?

It's actually pretty funny.

"Do you see what

happens, Larry?" What?

"Do you see what happens...

when you f*** a

stranger in the ass?"

Oh, right.

That's from the movie.

Okay.

Now, those two

are sisters, right?

Um, which two?

That one and the, uh... Wait.

They're not showing her.

Okay, wait. That one and

then that one right there.

Actually, they hate each other

'cause they're both Latinas,

and they know that one Latina's

gonna get eliminated soon.

Ah. I see.

Well, they're both hot. Right, Sasha?

That is your type.

See? Muy caliente.

I told Tim that you went out

with that Cuban girl recently.

Yeah.

Ah.

I mean, I don't... I don't

even remember how it came up.

Yeah, we were talking about people who

were living at home with their parents.

Oh, yeah. And I may have told Tim...

Yeah.

That you went out with, like, three

girls recently that live at home.

Oh.

Wow. You told Tim

a lot about me.

I'm sorry. Was that a secret?

Mm-mmm.

It's fine. Totally.

Oh. Sasha. Yeah?

I just wanna make sure

that you can drive home safely.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Is Tim staying over?

Honestly, I don't... I mean,

whatever you wanna do.

I... I... I... I don't...

I'm... I don't wanna...

I don't have to work that early.

Oh. Yeah. I... I don't

wanna assume anything.

Hey. I'm sorry I'm late. I had

to use the copier at work.

I don't think you've ever

stayed late at work.

I didn't do it for the company.

I did it for the copier.

I'm making a little

something for Paige.

She won her first big case

at work today.

Oh, yea! Good for her!

That's awesome.

Some factory was dumping sludge near

a school, and she had it shut down.

Oh, f*** that factory. God, Paige

makes me feel like such a bad person.

I know. Isn't she so like

annoying Erin Brockovich?

"These are my b*obs, Ed."

That's not the quote. Yes, it is.

I'm pretty sure it is.

I'm pretty sure it's not the quote.

It is so.

Well, anyway, I found a life-size

cardboard Julia Roberts on eBay,

and I'm gonna glue

Paige's face on it...

and throw her a little

surprise party tomorrow. Oh!

Are you guys free? Totally.

Actually, I was supposed

to have a date with this girl...

who's been writing me online

like every single day,

but then she... she just told me she got

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