Life with Mikey Page #5

I'M SMART ENOUGH.

WHAT'S THE CAPITAL

OF NEW YORK?

ALBANY.

WHAT'S THE CAPITAL

OF NEW JERSEY?

NEWARK.

TRENTON. WHO WAS

THE 16th PRESIDENT?

CARTER.

LINCOLN.

WHAT'S THE LONGEST RIVER

IN THE WORLD?

THE HUDSON.

THE NILE.

WHO'S THE OLDES BEATLE?

THE OLDEST WHO?

HOW DO YOU KNOW:

THIS STUFF ANYWAY?

CNN. HOW COME YOU

DON'T KNOW IT?

MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO

TO SCHOOL, HUH?

I WENT TO SCHOOL.

COULDN'T HAVE BEEN

A VERY GOOD ONE.

YOU WANNA KNOW:

ABOUT MY SCHOOL?

MY SCHOOL WAS A TRAILER OUTSIDE

THE LIFE WITH MIKEY SET.

THERE WAS ME,

THE GIRL WHO PLAYED

MY SISTER ON THE SHOW... WHO,

INCIDENTALLY,

IS UP FOR PAROLE

IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS...

AND THIS, UH,

73-YEAR-OLD MENNONITE WOMAN

WITH HALITOSIS:

AND A HEARING AID...

NAMED MISS MITCHELL.

YEAH, AND?

AND I NEVER GOT TO KNOW

ANY OTHER KIDS.

CAN YOU IMAGINE:

WHAT MY PROM WAS LIKE?

I DON'T CARE.

I'M NOT GOIN' TO SCHOOL.

AND PUT THAT OUT.

DON'T YOU EVER READ

WHAT SECONDARY SMOKE

DOES TO KIDS?

LUCKY FOR ME,

I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

I'M NOT YOUR KID. SO I DON' HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU.

YEAH, YOU DO.

AND YOU'RE GOIN'.

IF I GO TO SCHOOL,

YOU'RE OUT $18,750.

COME AGAIN?

SEVEN AND A HALF PERCEN OF $250,000.

FIRST OF ALL,

IT'S TEN PERCENT.

AND THAT MEANS YOU'RE OUT-

UH-TWO...

$225,000.

YA KNOW,

I'M TIRED OF THIS.

TIRED OF YOU MOVIN'

STUFF AROUND IN MY BATHROOM.

AND I'M TIRED OF YOU

TELLIN' ME I CAN'T SMOKE.

AND I'M TIRED OF YOU

EATIN' MUFFINS ALL THE TIME

AND NOT GIVIN' ME ANY.

TIRED OF YOU:

TAKIN' OVER MY BEDROOM

AND USIN' MY PHONE ALL THE TIME;

THROWIN' OUT FOOD JUS BECAUSE THE EXPIRATION

DATE, IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

TOMORROW YOU'RE GOIN' BACK

TO YOUR SISTER'S.

WHERE ARE YOU GOIN'?

WHEREVER YOU'RE NOT!

I WON'T BE HERE

WHEN YOU GET BACK!

GREAT!

YOU WANNA TURN OUT THE LIGHTS

WHEN YOU LEAVE?

I HATE YOU!

[Faintly]

NO, YOU DON'T!

YES, I DO!

THIS REALLY SUCKS.

YOU SEE, BY THE END OF THE DAY,

YOU'RE GONNA BE USING MUCH MORE

SOPHISTICATED TERMINOLOGY.

LIKE, UH,

THIS REALLY SUCKETH.

I BETTER:

GET THIS OVER WITH.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

HERE, HERE.

DON'T FORGET THIS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE

YOU MADE ME LUNCH.

YEAH.

WITH WHAT? ALL YOU HAVE

IN YOUR FRIDGE IS KETCHUP.

IT'S MU SHU PORK.

I'VE TAKEN OUT THE PORK.

DON'T LOSE THIS LUNCH BOX.

THAT'S A COLLECTOR'S ITEM.

REALLY? HOW MUCH

CAN I GET FOR IT?

GO TO SCHOOL.

MEN!

BE NICE TO THE OTHER KIDS.

DON'T MUG ANYBODY.

BYE.

ZIP-A-DEE-DOO-DAH

ZIP-A-DEE-AY MY, OH, MY

WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY

MR. BLUEBIRD ON MY SHOULDER

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN

ZIP-A-DEE-DOO-DAH-DAY

HIP-HIP HOORAY

A-OKAY TODAY'S MY DAY,

FRIEND:

AND I STILL WANNA PLAY

SUNSHINE ON MY MIND

REWIND TO TIME JUS LIKE ALBERT EINSTEIN

SAY, WHERE'S THE BIRD

THERE'S THE BIRD

THE BLUEBIRD,

THAT'S THE TRUTH

OOH, IT MAKES YOU SAY "WORD"

IT'S THE ACTUAL

SATISFACTUAL MANUFACTURE

BETTER BELIEVE:

OOH-DE-SHOZ, IRRESISTIBLE

DIP-A-DEE-DOO-DAH

ZIP-A-DEE-AY

MY, OH, MY

WHAT A...

EXCUSE ME, GEORGE.

MISTERS CHAPMAN,

I THINK YOU OUGHTA COME OU AND LOOK AT THIS.

NOW? WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

OH, MY GOD!

WHAT HAPPENED?

I GOT IN A FIGHT.

BUT IT'S OKAY, I WON.

SHOULD SEE THE OTHER GUY.

THE OTHER GUY DOESN'T HAVE

A COMMERCIAL TO SHOOT TOMORROW.

NEITHER DOES SHE WITH THAT FACE.

YA KNOW WHAT'S GOOD?

A PIECE OF STEAK.

YOU PUT IT ON THE EYE.

WE CAN'T AFFORD STEAK.

I DON'T WAN ANY MEAT ON MY FACE.

QUICK! SOMEBODY GET SOME TOFU.

[Laughing]

[Alarm Ringing]

[Sighs]

HOW'S IT LOOK?

LIKE THE OPENING SCENE

FROM ROCKY.

WHY ME?

I'M A GOOD PERSON.

I BELIEVE IN GOD.

DON'T WORRY. THEY DON'T CALL I COVER GIRL FOR NOTHIN'.

HERE WE ARE. HOW DO YA FEEL?

YOU ALL RIGHT?

YOU'LL DO FINE.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

NO ONE'S GONNA NOTICE.

YOU LOOK GOOD.

GOOD MORNING, ANGIE.

HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

GOOD, MR. C.

GOOD MORNING,

MR. CORCORAN.

WAIT, WHAT'S

WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?

WHY IS SHE WEARING

ALL THAT MAKEUP?

YOUR EYE'S ALL PUFFY.

NOW, THAT'S NOT GONNA SHOW UP

ON SCREEN, IS IT?

WE CAN'T HAVE THAT.

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE

GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM...

WHAT HAPPENED WAS-WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

I WAS IN THE CAFETERIA YESTERDAY

AND I TOLD A FEW PEOPLE

ABOUT THE COMMERCIAL.

AND THERE WAS THIS ONE GIRL,

SHEILA BERSTEN.

SHE SAID SUGAR GEMS ARE BETTER

THAN SUNBURST COOKIES.

SUGAR GEMS!

THEY'RE MADE WITH LARD

AND PRESERVATIVES!

THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HER.

I SAID, "SUNBURST COOKIES

ARE ALL NATURAL.

NO PRESERVATIVES.

JUST NATURE'S OWN RECIPE."

AND THEN SHE PUNCHED ME.

NOW, NOW, NOW, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

SHE WAS PROBABLY

JUST A LITTLE JEALOUS.

IT ALL HAPPENED SO FAST.

THERE WERE COOKIES EVERYWHERE.

NOW, DON'T YOU WORRY.

YOU'RE MY GIRL.

SOMEBODY COVER UP

THAT EYE.

COME ALONG TO MAKEUP.

[Sighing]

WHAT A WEEK!

FIRST I LOSE MY WALLET.

NOW THIS.

[Man]

ACTION!

I HATE IT WHEN IT'S RAINING.

THERE'S-THERE'S...

CUT! CUT!

NO PROBLEM.

KEEP IT GOING.

MAKE THE HEAVENS WEEP.

RIGHT AWAY, PLEASE.

MARK IT.

SUNBURST COOKIES,

TAKE TWO.

AND ACTION!

I HATE IT WHEN IT'S RAINING.

WE DON'T GET TO GO OUTSIDE

FOR RECESS...

OR RIDE OUR:

BIKES AFTER SCHOOL.

CUT!

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HOLD

THE COOKIES UP.

AND YOU'VE GOT TO BE MORE

EXCITED! EXCITED!

SUNBURST COOKIES,

TAKE 21.

ACTION.

SUNBOIST COOKIES...

CUT! SUNBOIST?

SUNBURST COOKIES,

TAKE 49.

AND ACTION.

SUNBURST COOKIES...

AAH!

CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT!

MR. CORCORAN, COULD I

SEE YOU FOR A MOMENT?

[Man]

ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE,

HOLD YOUR POSITIONS.

GO TALK TO HER.

EXCUSE ME.

I CAN'T DO THIS.

YES, YOU CAN.

JUST RELAX, ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.

IT WOULD BE EASIER

IF YOU'D JUST LET ME TALK

LIKE A REAL PERSON.

I HATE IT WHEN IT'S RAINING.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

IT'S MY FAVORITE LITTLE

SUNNY FRIENDS."

I MEAN, IT'S LIKE A COOKIE

FOR MANIC DEPRESSIVES.

HUH! OKAY, IT'S STUPID.

YOU'RE RIGHT,

IT'S A STUPID LINE.

BUT IT'S NO MORE

STUPID THAN,

I HOPE LITTLE JIMMY GETS

A BATMAN DOLL FOR CHRISTMAS...

BECAUSE HE REALLY WANTS IT,

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH."

I MEAN, THAT'S PRETTY STUPID.

BUT THAT'S WHAT SHOW BUSINESS

IS ALL ABOUT:

ACTING LIKE AN IDIOT.

IT'S NOT YOU,

YOU'RE JUST DOIN' YOUR JOB.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LOOK AT IT THIS WAY:

MOST PEOPLE FEEL LIKE IDIOTS

MOST OF THE TIME...

BUT THEY DON' GET PAID FOR IT.

RELAX, YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.

I KNOW WHAT AN IDIOT YOU CAN BE.

COME ON.

[Laughing]

ALL RIGHT,

FRIENDS AND RELATIVES,

TAKE A HIKE, PLEASE.

CLEAR MY SET, COME ON.

GET READY, MARK IT.

IS SHE OKAY?

SHE'S OKAY.

AND ACTION.

I HATE IT WHEN IT'S RAINING.

WE DON'T GET TO GO OUTSIDE

FOR RECESS...

OR RIDE OUR:

BIKES AFTER SCHOOL.

WHERE'S THAT COMING FROM?

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!

CUT!

LET'S TRY IT WITH A CLOSED BAG,

FOR GOD'S SAKE!

MAKEUP, I CAN STILL

SEE THE EYE. ANGIE,

BETTER.

SUNBURST COOKIES,

TAKE 72.

AND ACTION.

MY FAVORITE LITTLE

SUNNY FRIENDS.

[Announcer]

SUNBURST COOKIES ARE MADE

WITH HEARTWARMING HONEY.

AND... OH, YES!

A SPECIAL SPLASH OF SUNBURST FOR

THAT FABULOUSLY FRESH FLAVOR.

[Man]

SUNBURST COOKIES,

TAKE 81.

SUNBURST COOKIES

LIGHT UP MY D... MY...

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