Little Bitches

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Can't believe we brought them,

Marisa.

This is crazy stuff.

Can you guys just trust me?

I've been planning

this all year.

Why are you laughing?

It's not funny.

Okay, you're not cute.

You're disgusting.

Guys, let's never be like that.

No.

Let's just be us.

We're so cool as we are.

I love me.

Man, last year, when

the senior girls caught freshmen

they made them

deep-throat bananas.

What?

Like, unpeeled?

Yes, unpeeled bananas.

Down their throat,

scraping those throats.

Ugh!

It's so deep.

I could do, like, peeled though.

That would... that would,

like, be sexy.

Like, mushy.

Sexy? No, no.

I don't know.

Dude, I can't believe

we're doing this.

We're like the three Amigos.

We're like Charlie's Angels

or TLC.

Oh, my god. Dude, I always

wanted to be left eye.

I love that you said that.

Rest in peace, my nigga.

Ninja warrior for life.

No, she can say it.

I said it. I can.

Let's send these

b*tches off right.

God, I'm tired of their sh*t.

Let's do this.

No. What?

No, no, no.

They're gonna destroy us.

No, when they caught

the freshmen,

the entire year,

they did this to them:

Is that a blow job?

Yes, blow job.

They do that.

Right. For sure. That's so

humiliating for that to be...

Oh, god.

We're gonna be fine.

Stick to the plan.

We're gonna stay low,

hide behind parked cars.

Keep up the pace.

Okay, Annie?

I have to fart, but I feel

like I might sh*t myself.

Hold it in.

I'm gonna hold it in.

You don't wanna ruin that

with a poop stain.

You keep that in there.

I'll try.

Well, well, well.

What do we have here?

I think we just

found this year's

banana-blow-job

b*tches, b*tches.

Are you ready, b*tches?

I've asked you so many times

not to do that.

Hey, Sarah.

I'm Marisa.

For sure.

Uh, I know we just met, but I...

I have a question.

Before or after this is halfway

down your throat?

I'm gonna ask before.

Okay.

Um, congratulations.

You guys obviously

got into unis, but...

B*tches.

But what's up with state?

Did you aim high

and fall a little short?

Or was that the plan?

Of course I wanted to go.

My parents went to state.

Their parents went to state,

and their parents went.

It's really well-known.

Yeah, I'm a legacy there.

No, yeah, totally.

God, I'm... I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to, like,

offend you.

Banana blow job, b*tches.

I really don't

wanna blow a banana.

I have, like, three months'

worth of Adderall, ha, ha.

Would you want that?

Okay.

Okay, well, you're gonna have

to catch it first, b*tch.

F*** you, hos!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god. Annie!

It wasn't even Adderall,

you guys.

It was f***ing ibuprofen.

Oh, my god!

I can't breathe.

I can't breathe.

You got this, girl.

You got this.

It's gonna be okay.

Oh, that was so cool!

That was so f***ing cool.

It was invigorating.

That was so cool.

I cannot believe we did that.

F***, yes.

We are such cool best friends.

What? Let's always

be this way.

Let's always be this cool

and this there for each other.

Oh, my god.

Yes.

Dude, in our senior year,

we're not gonna do

any of that bullshit

either, okay?

And I think we should open

our college acceptance letters

together at the end

of that stupid party.

Really?

Yes.

That's a great idea.

That's amazing.

It'd be so meaningful.

It's dope, I like it.

Right? Aw.

Yeah.

You know what it's time for?

I know what you're gonna say.

You're gonna say, like,

"a group hug"?

It's time for a group hug.

Is it group hug time, Annie?

Group hug.

Get in here.

I love you guys.

Grandma, is this new?

Yes, indeed-y.

And it is fire.

Went to the pharmacy Friday.

Okay.

This one is yours.

Thank you, baby doll.

You gonna open that, sweetie?

No.

All right, stay bad, gram.

Just promise me you'll wait to

smoke that until after school.

I promise.

She gonna smoke it.

Pretty sure your hands are

supposed to be under your butt.

Hey, where's your letter?

I've got a letter v right here.

No, your college letter.

Okay, Annie,

I really don't wanna deal

with the bullshit today.

Like, I'm just trying to chill.

I'm sorry.

Oh.

Yes, please,

give me a hit of that.

What, you woke up with asthma?

I'm pretty sure I did.

I've been just so out of whack.

Why are you doing Kegels?

Do you just know

if you have a tight vagina?

Yeah, it just, like, depends,

I guess, on the day.

I know that, like,

your vagina, like, looks

really messed up

after you have kids,

along with your butthole, so...

How does your butthole

look different?

Sometimes it just rips

and becomes one giant hole.

I'm serious.

I do my Kegels in silence.

You don't have to do that.

You don't.

You can sit

and do it in silence.

You can do it in class.

You look like you're gonna sh*t.

I am. I'm peeking a little bit.

I do have to poop.

God.

Kelly waited. We're gonna open

our envelopes together.

She waited. It's gonna be

the best moment of our lives.

Annie, okay, look.

I'm gonna give you

until 10 a.m.

To get your sh*t together

and get this out of your system.

The b*tch hasn't talked to you

in two years.

We're not friends. I just...

I don't... I don't have time.

So when you're ready,

you let me know.

Okay. Love you.

Sorry I'm late,

Ms. Walker.

I'm never late,

especially on my period.

I have a uterus

like a wristwatch.

Funny you say that.

I've been told I have a uterus

the shape of a baseball glove

clenching an acorn.

Anyway, how's that application

to Cornell coming?

Well, my parents love it,

but they love everything I do.

I'm gonna stop you right there.

Um, when are you gonna

cut the bullshit?

Sorry?

The bullshit, honey.

I'm a college counselor, okay?

A teacher of tomorrow?

Oh, that's intense.

You bet your puffy, little

nipples it's intense, okay?

Puffy, that is totally

what they are.

I have your file right here.

Know what's in there?

Phenomenal GPA.

Test scores through the roof.

You're a concert-level cellist.

And, yet, what did you write

your personal statement about?

On a pledge that me, Marisa,

and Kelly made freshman year.

Oh, right. That hair brained

banana-blow-job pact.

"Look at us.

We made a pact

to open our

college letters together.

What's gonna happen?

Oh, boy.

Even though we got

the letters months ago,

and our poor parents

need to put deposits down

to hold our spots."

It's selfish.

It's a personal statement.

Personal, okay? You wrote about

two other people.

It's important to me.

It's ridiculous.

You should be ashamed.

Congratulations!

Oh, my god.

Wow, that's a lot of balloons,

mom. Thank you.

I know. I know.

Nobody is surprised.

Your dad is making pancakes with

little Stanford S's on them.

He's hungry

after the night we had.

Oh, my god.

That's a good one.

Right?

That's a good one, mom.

You don't have to

give me a high-five.

I'm gonna...

No. Oh, okay.

Why don't we have

your first breakfast

as a Stanford girl?

Oh, don't cry.

"Stanford girl"?

Really,

we're gonna call me that?

We're gonna call you

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