Little Black Book Page #9

- It's Greek. Go to three, Phil.

- Camera three, go.

- Dr. Keyes, you're a gynecologist.

This woman posed as a patient...

...to obtain personal information on her

boyfriend, whom you once dated.

But I examined her.

- Well, that was all a setup.

- Even the warts?

No, it was a joke.

There were none, ever.

Ah, the apex. Joyce. She thinks she's

doing a pre-interview for a cook-off.

That's what you told her, right, Stace?

Come in, Joyce.

Welcome to Kippie Kann Live.

Here comes the tough part.

You can do it.

Welcome.

What's with the audience

and all these...?

- Lulu.

- Oh, that's right.

You two go way back.

But what about you two?

- Barb?

- No, actually, that's Stacy.

- Derek's current girlfriend.

- What?

No cook-off today.

You lied to me?

After everything I told you, you lied.

- Just like she did.

- Are you referring to me?

- Shut up.

- What did you say?

Ladies, please.

Let's fill the audience in, shall we?

We sent our own Kippie Kann crew

to the Kaleidoscope Kitchen...

...posing as a crew for 48 Hours.

- Then that was all a rose, too?

- Ruse, yeah. Roll it.

- Why is she calling you Stacy, Barb?

- Because that's her name.

No, actually, my name is Barb.

The other woman you

met's name was Stacy.

- No, she was Barb.

- No.

- What?

- Stimulating as ever.

I'd say it's nice to see you,

but then I'd be lying.

Enjoy your meal.

I got sick that night,

and not on purpose.

Stay put for more surprises

when "Little Black Book" continues.

Ladies, stay in your seat, okay.

We're still live.

- I'm sorry...

- Don't... Don't say another word.

You wanted me to hate him?

Mission accomplished. I do.

But, as bad as he is,

he is still too good for you.

- Lf you could have a seat...

- This is completely unacceptable.

I'll sue this entire show

for defamation of character.

This is America, and you

are welcome to sue anyone.

But that release

you signed is ironclad.

I was told we'd be discussing

sexually transmitted diseases.

Sexually transmitted diseases.

That's an idea.

- Ninety seconds to air.

- Ninety seconds.

- I love it live.

- You stoop to conquer.

Yeah. I stoop. We all do.

I mean, look at where we work.

We march thousands of Stacys

through here every year.

We uncover their secrets.

We spare no feelings.

But suddenly you get a conscience

because you know one personally.

- You're unethical.

- You're a hypocrite.

- I'm a hypocrite?

- This show is based on hypocrisy.

You wanna call me unethical? Okay.

But don't judge me and then worship

Kippie for doing the same thing.

We're all swimming

in the same cesspool.

We work in reality TV, Ira.

This is reality.

Forty-five seconds to air, Phil.

- Ira.

- Underneath your seats...

...there's a Kippie Kann Live hat

for each one of you. Kippie's a giver.

...there's a Kippie Kann Live hat

for each one of you. Kippie's a giver.

- I gotta get to the control room.

- Carl, you wanna handle this?

- Got it covered here. Thanks.

- You're all in on this?

- Everyone knew?

- There is no conspiracy here.

Just a good idea for sweeps.

- You can fight it. Seems pointless.

- Lame. Really stupid.

Or you could become a part

of something bigger.

Something completely different.

Now, of course I cannot...

But trust me, gonna be big.

- Huge, it's giant.

- I'm talking about a real show here.

Changing formats. Breaking

the fourth wall, and the fifth.

Kamikaze television

without restriction...

...without hesitation, without Kippie.

It's a pretty exciting time

to be on the ground floor.

Thanks, Carl. But being that low

doesn't interest me.

Don't fool yourself. What you did was

lower than anything I've ever done.

By the way, if you leave now,

I will sue you for fraud.

Oh, come on.

It's your 15 minutes. It's not so bad.

- It's my life.

- It'll be over soon.

I meant the show.

Five, four, three, two...

Welcome back to Kippie Kann Live.

And "Little Black Book."

I think it's time to bring out the man

of the hour. What do you say?

Are you ready for Derek?

Derek! Derek!

Roll scream, roll doorbell.

Derek, come on out.

What the...?

Derek thought he was coming to

a surprise promotion party for Stacy.

You're in for it now!

Lulu? Rach... Joyce.

What the hell's going on?

What are you doing here?

- You can do it.

- You wanna tell him, Stace, or shall I?

Yes.

I wanna tell him. I'll do it.

God.

What's going on?

- Tell him!

- They're all here because of me.

They're all here because of me.

See, after I heard

about you and Lulu...

...I interviewed her.

- You did what?

You know, look under the hood first,

she's Lulu Fritz.

Thank you.

- We got around to the sex question...

- Wait a minute. You're not serious.

She said that you guys did it,

like, two, three times a day.

It's funny. I mean,

why would she lie like that?

- What are you doing?

- Purging. You can go next.

Then I went to Rachel. I wanted

to go straight to Joyce, but I couldn't.

Not right away, so I made up

this story about warts...

...and went to Rachel,

who I thought was a podiatrist...

...but it turns out, joke's on me.

You can shut the cameras off,

because it's never gonna air.

We're live in 70 markets.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Mom.

Then Barb and I

browsed through your Palm.

- Barb who?

- Barbara Campbell-hyphen-Dunn.

Who sold me out for this show.

Just like Carl's selling Kippie out.

At least, isn't that what you told me?

Yes, yes, that's it. Turn the tables

on us all. That's real. It's honest.

Phillip, get Carl.

Jay, give me a shot to Carl.

- What are you doing?

- Regurgitating.

Something sexy just for you, Carl.

- Who's Carl?

- Stage left, crooked toupee.

- Philip, on four.

- Camera four, go.

Get that camera off of me. Phil?

- Can't do this to him.

- You hold that shot. Split the screen.

Did you know that Carl

comes in really close...

...so that America can see that tape

you wear on your face right there?

Then he edits it out

of the copy he gives you.

- Back to Carl now.

- And those tabloid leaks.

Nice, really nice.

You're burying Carl.

I'm burying him, her, you, me.

We're all going down.

Go to commercial.

No commercial. I'm still

running things. Stay with me, Phil.

Not you. You'll get promoted.

I'm out of here. I can't top this.

Anyway, Barb and I were playing

with your Palm, and we stumbled...

...across a lovely montage

of Joyce...

...and your folks on holiday.

Which is really odd, because

you never bring girls home.

- I don't.

- You brought her.

She's different.

Why?

- Yeah, why?

- Tell us!

You know what? I'm not doing this.

- Why?

- You wanna get out of my way?

Is she better for you?

I guess so.

Maybe I always knew it.

Maybe that's why I had to meet her...

...and when I did, I understood,

because I liked her too.

I liked you so much.

I want you to know that.

Not in a weird kind of way,

but in a way that I thought...

...maybe in some alternate

universe we could be friends.

Yesterday, you told me you were

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