Little Evil Page #2

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There's a basement that can be turned

into a game room or a man-cave.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

I just love the smell

of an old-fashioned nunnery. Don't you?

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Yeah.

May I see the chapel?

Sure. Yeah. Right this way.

Yeah, I mean, as you can see,

it's a bit of a fixer-upper,

but you know, with the right touch...

Oh...

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

[MOANING]

Oh...

What is your best offer?

[CLICKS TEETH] The best offer?

Mm-hmm.

Just, you know... [STAMMERS]

There's another couple

who's very interested.

You're kidding me? Who?

This very wealthy couple.

Just, like, dot-com money.

Always wanted to retire in a nunnery.

Same old story.

- I shouldn't even be showing it to you.

- I'll beat their price.

Whatever they're offering,

I'll offer more.

Really?

The end is coming, Gary.

Blood will rain,

and crows will darken the sky,

the oceans will boil over.

Money truly is no object.

Well, that's fantastic.

I mean, not the blood boiling

and the sky and stuff,

- but that you want to buy it.

- [PHONE RINGING]

That's... I'm sorry. Uh, just one second.

Hey, hon.

What kind of trouble?

Oh, poor little buddy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can make it down there right now.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. Love you, too.

Sorry. My stepson got into

a little trouble at school,

probably just throwing spitballs.

Ah, the Lord will never give you

more than you can handle.

- Got it.

- So, it's a deal then?

Yeah, absolutely. We have a deal.

- [SIREN WAILS]

- [POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

Hi. Um...

I'm here to pick up my stepson.

Lucas? Are you okay?

What happened?

You're Lucas' father?

Yeah. Or, I mean, I'm his stepfather.

Please come in.

[WHISPERS] It's okay, buddy.

- Have a seat, Mr...

- Uh, you can call me Gary.

Uh, Mr. Gary, I'm Principal Chandler,

and this is school psychiatrist,

Dr. Farrow.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

How long have you been

the child's stepfather?

Well, his mother and I

just recently got married.

Mm-hmm.

Mr. Gary, have you noticed

any odd behavior from Lucas?

No. I mean, he's been a little withdrawn

since the wedding.

Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry.

W-Why do you keep "mm-hmm-ing"?

Mr. Gary, do you believe

in corporal punishment?

No.

Were you neglected as a child?

No.

Not entirely.

M-Maybe a little.

What was your relationship

with your own father?

- I didn't know my father.

- I see.

Do you mind telling me

what this is all about? What did Lucas do?

I'm afraid he spoke out of turn in class.

Well, this is quite the response.

He told his science teacher Mrs. Deeter

to go to hell.

Oh. Okay. Well, yeah, that is pretty bad.

Then she poured lye on her face

and hucked herself out

of a third story window.

Speared herself on the fence outside.

[BALLS CLICK]

Now, we're not blaming Lucas,

but we've gone through his file,

and he seems to have a habit

of pushing people over the edge.

We're gonna have to suspend him

for a week.

- Are you sure that's necessary?

- I'm afraid so.

And we want him to see a counselor.

I'm gonna recommend group therapy

for you as well.

Somewhere where you can work out

some of your own father issues.

Honestly, I don't have any father issues.

You can work that out in group.

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh, my God.

[MAN GRUNTING]

That's terrible.

I know. It's really tragic.

The way they're paying teachers,

I'm really not surprised.

I just can't imagine

what she must have been going through.

Shoot. I just...

I was hoping that Lucas would make

some new friends in this school,

and now nobody's gonna come

to his birthday party.

I'm not sure that should be

your biggest concern, hon.

I met with a clown today, Gary. A clown.

Do you know how hard it is

to have a conversation

with a fully-grown man in a clown suit?

Okay. I'm sorry, I forgot about that.

How did that go?

Terribly. He's double-booked on Saturday,

and he can't do it.

It doesn't matter now.

I'll just call his birthday off.

I'm sure people will still come.

And I can help you find another clown

if it means that much.

It's not fair

that they singled out Lucas.

If she's that fragile,

then she shouldn't be teaching, right?

- Did you tell them that?

- No, I tried, but...

They were really focused on the fact that

I'm sort of a new figure in the house,

and they were acting like it was my fault.

They were?

Yeah, and they want me to see a therapist.

Isn't that weird?

What, you think I should?

I just... I mean...

you're not exactly having the easiest time

communicating with him.

But this isn't about me, Sam.

This is about Lucas.

What if there's something wrong with him?

There is nothing wrong with Lucas!

[BANGS TABLE] Damn it! Why is everything

always blamed on the child?

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

Hey, honey.

I am sorry.

It's just not fair, you know.

I mean, he's already been through so much.

He's a good kid, Gary.

He just...

He needs a positive male role model.

And every time I think

I found the perfect guy...

he winds up turning against him

and going crazy or...

[CRYING]

dying in a horrible mulching accident.

- What? Hey. Hey, come here.

- [CRYING]

I am so sorry, honey. I didn't know that.

He just... He can't deal

with any more rejection, Gary.

All right?

You... you have to be on his side.

- I am on his side.

- You're just saying that.

I'm not.

Sam, I love you.

Okay? And I didn't just make

a commitment to you.

I made a commitment to him.

[SOBBING EXHALE]

Do you understand?

Now, I'm gonna go up there

and have a heart-to-heart with him.

- I'm gonna turn this into a bonding thing.

- Okay.

Okay.

Hey, Gary?

You're gonna be a great dad.

[INHALES AND EXHALES]

Oh, sh*t.

Hey, Lucas? Can I come in?

[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]

Hey, pal. How are you feeling?

Is the cable out, or...?

Well, TV sucks anyway.

It's kinda cool to just use

your imagination, right?

[STATIC HISSING]

Okay, um...

Listen, Lucas, I'm sure it seems like

we've been moving really fast,

but I'm your stepfather now...

[DEMONIC VOICE] Get out!

Yeah, okay. We'll just talk later.

Or whenever you want.

Okay?

[SIGHS]

How'd it go?

Oh. Uh, he just told me he wanted some

alone time through his, uh...

goat puppet.

Oh, yeah. That's his friend Reeroy.

- Reeroy.

- [CHUCKLES] He loves playing with him.

Good.

I'll just let him have

a little Reeroy time then

and check in with him later.

Okay.

[AL] You know what pisses me off?

Kids nowadays, they don't even know

what's rad when they see it now.

When I was that age,

all I wanted was a '72 Chevrolet,

El Camino Monster Truck,

mounted on top

of some 66-inch Goodyear tires...

with an alcohol fuel injected

turbo engine.

- Preach.

- Yep.

And now that I got one,

I got a stepkid,

and all he wants to do

is watch Pitch Perfect.

Pitch Perfect One,

Pitch Perfect Two, Pitch Perfect Three.

- Sh*t.

- Yeah.

"Jam" me man. Let's put on some Rush.

Put your hand on a speaker, your hand

on your heart, see if you feel something.

I said, "What are you feeling?"

He said, "Nothing."

I said, "That's America."

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